Vote For Hillary To Begin The Bloodbath!
Hey, look! It's a moronic YouTube video saying that you shouldn't vote for Hillary because it will inevitably result in decade after decade of rule by Bushes and Clintons, our pathetic late 20th/early 21st century versions of the Tafts and the Kennedys! It's in black and white and there is dramatic string music, so you know the situation is DIRE!!! Except ... there seems to be a little something funny with the dates. We believe that encoded in this video is a message to us about why we should vote for Hillary: because it will begin the long and painful but necessary process of ridding us of Bushes and Clintons once and for all.
* The video starts off with GHW Bush, Bill Clinton, and GW Bush, with all the dates in place corresponding to reality. Bush apparently serves out his term until 2009, somehow fighting off attempts by small towns in Vermont and Colorado to impeach him.
* Hillary gets inaugurated in 2009, which means that her thugs must have somehow "taken care of" Ron Paul. She wins reelection in 2012 stays in office for the full eight years, retiring in 2017 at the ripe old age of 69.
* Naturally, after eight years of Hillarycare, the nation will run to the only man who can save them: Jeb Bush. Bush wins an overwhelming victory over 96-year-old Vice President Mike Gravel in 2016, then defeats Al Gore in the 2020 election.
* Here's where it starts to get murky. Jeb's term of office ends suddenly in 2022, just a year after his second inauguration. What happens to him? At 69, he's not that old by the standards of the glorious future health care system, and obviously too well beloved to be assassinated, so we have to assume some sort of accident (*cough* autoerotic asphyxiation *cough*).
* Unfortunately for the GOP, mere weeks earlier, Jeb's vice president, Glenn Murphy, Jr., was caught attempting to fellate the napping Secretary of Energy and forced to resign in disgrace. So the presidency falls to ... Speaker of the House Chelsea Clinton! No, we don't know how that happened either.
* Chelsea wins re-election in 2024 and ... 2028? Somehow? Even though she served out most of Jeb's second term? The 22nd amendment got repealed somewhere along the way? Or people in the future can't do math?
* By 2031, though, President Clinton #3 has hit 51, which in the mid-21st century is considered a good age to seek spiritual fulfillment. She abruptly quits the presidency and moves to Tibet, never to be seen in the West again. Chelsea's Vice President is Jenna Bush, whom Chelsea appointed as a gesture to the Republicans, and also because her drunken antics distracted from the fact that she solved the budget crisis by selling Oregon to China.
* President Jenna wins re-election in 2032, defeating Senator Stephanie Herseth. Her hilarious debate catchphrase "I'll drink to that!" keeps America in stitches. Two months before before the 2036 election, she drunkenly flies her hovering space car into a tree; her twin and Vice President Barbara defeats Ohio Governor Tim Ryan on the sympathy vote.
* Two days before the end of her first term, Babs chokes to death on her own vomit. The end! Yay! No more Bushes or Clintons, and it only took 30-odd years! But none of this can get started unless you vote for Hillary now, so get crackin'!
DON'T VOTE FOR HILLARY [YouTube]