GOP Senator From MENSA Gonna Ban Joe Biden From Getting Hired In Ukraine EVER AGAIN!
A week ago or so, we all collectively were SO PROUD of Chuck Todd for like eight minutes on a Tuesday when we looked up at our TV and -- inexplicably -- saw Todd doing actual journalism in the general direction of GOP Senator John Kennedy of Louisiana. As a lone banjo's strum echoed through a southern Louisiana mangrove swamp, providing the lone musical accompaniment to whatever the hell Kennedy was saying about Joe Biden's fake Ukrainium One "scandal," Chuck Todd, for once in his life, was simply not having it.
We are unsurprised to report to you that Kennedy did not learn a damn thing from Chuck Todd that day, and has decided to introduce some show legislation that won't go anywhere, in order to look like he's doing a thing to help change the focus from Donald Trump's Ukrainian high crimes and misdemeanors, and make it about Joe Biden.
Here's an official statement from an actual sitting United States senator:
WASHINGTON, D.C. – U.S. Sen. John Kennedy (R-La.) announced today that he will file legislation after recess to ban the immediate family members of senior U.S. political officials from profiting in Ukraine.
Specifically, his bill will ban an immediate family member of a member of the Senate, the House, the president's cabinet, the vice president and/or the president from serving as a consultant, employee, independent contractor or board member for or owning 5% or more in any entity doing business in or with Ukraine. Immediate family members include parents, siblings and children.
"The Ukraine government is historically corrupt, which is one way Russia exerts influence there," said Sen. Kennedy. "It is hard to know who to believe or trust, though I hope President Zelensky will chart a new, more ethical course. Senior members of our government should not be a part of, or seen to be a part of, this conduct. That hurts America, and it hurts the good people of Ukraine with whom the American people stand. My bill will remove any appearance of impropriety or potential conflict of interest for any immediate family member of a senior United States official. The best way to resist temptation is a proper upbringing, a strong set of values and tough laws."
OK wait. The We Have Always Been At War With Eastasia of the GOP pretending it has always been worried about corruption in Ukraine is just amazing, first of all. As if this is something they've always been wanting to do, they've just been waiting for the right moment.
Secondly, we love how Kennedy cutely tries to rope in Russia, as if it's very important that we punish Ukraine (some more) because of how its corruption is one way Russia gets in and does its particular brand of global hinky stinky.
Third, the entire point of the treason impeachment thing we're going through right now is that Donald Trump has been trying to extort the new president of Ukraine, who was elected on an anti-corruption platform, after the pro-Kremlin dude the Trump administration wanted to win lost.
Fourth, OH JUST FUCK OFF.
Fifth, how many drafts did this announcement go through before they finally remembered to take all the direct references to Joe Biden and his dumbass son Hunter out?
Sixth, take out the proper name of "Ukraine" and replace it with any fucking corrupt-ass backwater shithole country you can think of, and you basically have an indictment of every Trump spawn that's old enough to vote and, to a lesser extent, Tiffany.
I mean ... just ... I mean ... do we really need to make out a list of Trump family members grifting off foreign countries, or can y'all just say, "Know what, Wonkette? You've been breaking your backs for three years trying to cover this horseshit, don't worry about it. WE ALL KNOW."
Fine, here is ONE LINK about a Trump spawn doing corrupt deals in ... *Wonkette spins wheel of third world former Soviet satellite states* ... yay, it's Azerbaijan! And also the Iranian Revolutionary Guard is tied in somehow!
OK, Democratic Senator Chris Murphy had a good response:
This is obviously a silly, political hit job. But hey @SenJohnKennedy if you want to apply something like this to a… https://t.co/KWlZKbkoc3— Chris Murphy (@Chris Murphy)1569949194.0
Murphy is nicer than we are. We would have started that tweet with "this is obviously some clownhumping dumbshit," and we wouldn't have invited John Kennedy to call us on the telephone either.
But that is just us, and we are dicks.
John Kennedy is a clownhumping dumbshit, but we don't know if he literally humps clowns, it is just a folksy country expression we like to use. We're sure the good senator understands.
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