Friends with benefits

Good day Wonkette Worker Bees, Wanderers and Prisoners With Internet Privileges. Have you been wondering what your favorite #brands have been up to recently? Well, you've come to the right place. We've been keeping tabs on all of your favorite corporate persons and are ready to bring you any breaking news on all the big names. It doesn't matter if it's The Cute One (Coca-Cola), The Shy One (Koch Industries), The Cool One (Uber), The Sporty One (Monsanto), or The Greasy One (Shell Oil, or is it Walmart? maybe JPMorgan Chase. We're still working out the kinks). Anyway, if you're ready to get down with the latest in corporate shenanigans and the people who love to spin them, here we go.

Walmart does good thing this one time

Speaking of prestige, good ol' Walmart made its way into our news (and hearts?) this week. There was much rejoicing (and hand-wringing) when the company announced that it would no longer be carrying automatic assault-style rifles such as those used in some of our most well-known and shittiest mass shootings.

What a brave move in light of the latest soul-sucking murder that everyone is talking about until the next inevitable mass murder that probably already happened by the time this is posted. Yet in an age when we're only supposed to be thinking and praying, and definitely not politicizing and acting, our most mammoth corporate person took tangible steps to make pointless mass killing instruments less available. Because what else could have been their motivation?

A Walmart spokesman, Kory Lundberg, said the retailer would stop selling modern sporting rifles, which are similar to the AR-15 assault rifle but are refashioned for the hunting market. He said Walmart would no longer sell any weapons that accept high-capacity ammunition magazines, the kind that can hold multiple rounds of ammunition.

“It was done purely based on customer demand,” Mr. Lundberg said. The assault-style sporting rifles, he said, were not “something customers were looking for and buying when they came into our stores.”

Despite industry information that there is indeed demand for these weapons (thanks Obama), Walmart was able to thread the needle, simultaneously removing weapons that can kill a shitload of people yet also using free market rationale as the basis for doing so. Because Americans who are sick of pointless mass murders and gun nuts sick of people sick of mass murders both buy bulk mayonnaise. That's some A+ Brand Management, guys!

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Don't worry, DuPont is still gross

A large part of DuPont's corporate identity is its commitment to safety when handling our favorite bubbling vats of human innovation. In light of this reputation, DuPont's "Sustainable Solutions" unit has worked with companies all over the world to benevolently ensure widespread adherence to certain core principles.

Our Sustainable Solutions business leads the transformation of workplaces and work cultures to become safer, more efficient and environmentally sustainable. That is our vision, our mission and our passion.

Yet back here in the Land Of Milk And Overbearing Government Regulation, the thugs at OSHA just put DuPont on their Severe Violator list, after 8 workplace fatalities in the last 8 years, including 4 workers killed by a gas leak at a Texas factory last year.

In response to the OSHA charges, company spokesman Dan Turner downplayed the deaths by playing up a relatively low (reported) workplace injury rate. As to allegations of DuPont delaying court-ordered plant access to Union inspectors or other OSHA allegations, Turner merely pointed to the awesomeness of Sustainable Solutions and a generally cooperative spirit.

On the environmental front, DuPont was able to transfer pollution liabilities for over 100 sites into a new company called Chemours, which is a real chemical company and not the world's worst Fleetwood Mac cover band.

OSHA has levied $640,861 in fines on DuPont since 2007 so bless their heart. DuPont is currently contesting the $370,000 fine for the Texas gas leak tragedy. This is definitely not to protect their image and most likely to protect every penny to put towards its selfless mission. After all, the Sustainable Solutions unit only raked in $3.9 billion in 2014.

Maybe Sustainable Solutions is an altruistic extension of a prestigious corporate giant. Or maybe it's just parlaying that prestige into a profitable consultancy that lives by the code "Du as I say, not as I Du."

What about Subway and that pedo Jared dude?

In the "Day Late, $5 Footlong Short" category for this week, a Subway franchise owner says she notified Subway Corporate of alleged pedophile and vile loose-skinned huckster Jared Fogle's proclivities for children all the way back in 2008. 2008!

Franchisee Cindy Mills met Fogle in 2008 and apparently when Fogle wasn't exploring the Darknet for gross child porn, he liked to talk very openly about his fantasies.

"He would just tell me he really liked them young," Mills told Business Insider.

Was I clickbaited? While this is certainly creepy, did Mills really give the smelly sentient sandwich outfit constructive notice of criminal behavior? Maybe I should keep readi---OHHH

Mills says Fogle admitted to her that he'd had sex with minors, telling her about trysts with child prostitutes between the ages of 9 and 16 years old in Thailand and the US.

WTF?! Luckily for the company Fogle was "technically" employed by Subway Franchisee Advertising Fund Trust (SFAFT), which is totally different from Subway. Mills claims she pursued several avenues within both companies, including a conversation with the former SFAFT CEO who basically replied: Jared met an adult woman, it's all good, I haven't read anything that states pedophiles are likely to rape again, but I also haven't read anything.

Subway Sandwich Shop, For Shame! Protect the kids. THEN protect the brand. Then make better food. Great things will come to you.

Amazon is bad too, but they're also starting a booze delivery service so ...

Finally, last week was a hard week for our friend Amazon. A good work of journalism (!) was done as the New York Times dove deep to explore the misery of Amazon's work culture. Readers learned about broken white collar workers, chewed up like 9-year-old Bangladeshis working double shifts in a factory making those unflattering high-waisted and tight-crotched jean shorts that will eventually be sold on Amazon.com for $7.97 and delivered to you on Easter Sunday by an "independent contractor" who's getting paid straight time and can't expense her mileage.

So what do you do when people start wondering, "Shit, if they treat their management like that, how miserable must the other 90% of the workforce be?"

Well Amazon didn't get to where it is by simply mastering tax avoidance and shafting its workers. That's why we're giving Amazon the award for Misdirection Of The Week!

Starting Tuesday, Prime members in Amazon’s hometown of Seattle can get one- and two-hour delivery of beer, wine and hard liquor like whiskey, rum, and vodka with the launch of Prime Now there, making Seattle the first U.S. city to include alcohol in the assortment of products eligible for the quick-delivery service.

On the one hand, we're not sure Amazon is an exemplary corporate citizen. On the other hand, oh look at that shiny object, is that delicious, mind-numbing booze? What were we talking about? Let's get shitfaced and go online to drunk order some baby wipes, salt water taffy and a VHS copy of Money Pit. And more booze. American consumers spoke long ago. You can fill the mass graves with innocents if I can get a drone-delivered handle of Jim Beam to my front door in 90 minutes. Better yet, I'll leave the window open and you can meet me on my couch. Well-played, Bezos.

Be well, precious Brands. Until next week.

(Delawareonline/NYT/Business Insider)