Wanna Buy Some Grade-A Steaks From Kimberly Guilfoyle?
Unless you had almost anything better to do last weekend, you probably saw the video Kimberly Guilfoyle posted on Twitter where she’s cosplaying Morticia Addams cooking steaks indoors over an open flame.
Support American Farms & Ranches with @goodranchers American meat delivered Use code: ULTRAMAGA to get 2 POUNDS of American wagyu burgers FREE with your first order! Just in time for Memorial Day!pic.twitter.com/5WMM3CBTbc— Kimberly Guilfoyle (@Kimberly Guilfoyle) 1652631881
So, Guilfoyle's technique here is for shit: There’s no hot and cool zone. The flame is so intense, the steaks are going to end up scorched hockey pucks with an ice-cold center. She’s also risking a grease fire, and it’s just a matter of time before the smoke alarm goes off.
But now that’s she’s whetted our appetites, here’s her pitch:
I'm here with these beautiful steaks from goodranchers.com. And this is the way you show your family you love them — by buying this meat that is born and raised here in the United States. Fantastic quality, USDA. I don’t know if you know this or not, but 85 percent of the meat they sell in stores today is not even from the United States. It’s from overseas. It’s from other countries, and you don’t even know what’s in it or what you’re getting.
Sweet Christ, she’s going full MAGA xenophobe over steaks. Does she want to build WALL around cattle?
It’s not true that 85 percent of the meat sold in stores isn’t from the US. According to the Department of Agriculture, it's more like eight to 12 percent. Salon generously assumes that Guilfoyle is referring to grass-fed beef. Between 75 to 80 percent of grass-fed beef is imported. However, most of it’s processed here, so you do kinda know "what you’re getting." unless she’s suggesting US plants are cutting the beef with talcum powder.
Importing grass-fed beef also makes it more affordable for the American consumer because, as Bloomberg notes, “countries with four seasons of sunny, relatively temperate weather have a distinct advantage” producing "consistently high-quality beef.”
Enough with the facts, though. Guilfoyle’s gonna sell you a juicy steak from a cow with “MAGA” burned into its ass.
She goes on some more:
Every time we cook with Good Ranchers, it’s absolutely fantastic, and that’s what you get with this subscription. We get it to come to our house, and when the kids want great steaks, they only want to eat Good Ranchers. And I don’t blame them!
Guilfoyle's steaks look like thin, stringy gray ass. I’m watching her grill steaks, but I’d rather have eggplant. She’s turned me into everything I’ve ever hated.
Maybe I’m judging the steaks too harshly because of who's pitching them. However, Salon reports that Good Ranchers boasts a string of one-star reviews on its Better Business Bureau page. People have complained about poor beef quality and lousy customer service. Variations of the phrase “rip-off” frequently appear.
"Don't waste your money. Poor quality of meat. Good sales pitch though!!" Kristen M. wrote. "I would love to send this meat back. I was ripped off.”
"I paid $203 for beef and got ripped off. Con man selling the steaks," Jeff M. added. "Told me there were 20 steaks in a box and there were 10. Filets were 2 oz and filled w fat and chewy and filled with veins. Could not eat any of the filets and used for pulled beef sandwiches. Totally deceived. Would never buy these again. $203 is a lot of money."
It’s hilarious that the Trump family can’t keep out of the steak business. Donald Trump launched Trump Steaks in 2007. The product was discontinued a few months later, but this was before the MAGA cult spread across the nation. The Good Ranchers website offers
suckers customers the chance to win a “meat and greet” with Candace Owens. This contest stretches the fuck out of the definition of “winning.”
Wow! What appears to be sub-par steak, presumably from a cow-like animal, and a private Zoom call with Candace Owens, presumably a human-like person. Even Satan would ease back on this kind of torture.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."