Wanna Hear Rudy's NEW New Ukraine Conspiracy Theory? Wait, Where Are You Going?
Liz literally just finished writing about how there was an actual crazy person spotted waddling across the White House grounds so he could go blubber about the new fake "dirt" he got on his latest #crimetime trip to Ukraine. "What did you get," asked Donald Trump of his certifiably batshit snuggle buddy Rudy Giuliani. "More than you can imagine," answered Rudy Giuliani from the tarmac, and we imagine Trump was very happy, because if there's one thing he loves, it's easily debunked lies smuggled up Rudy's ass in Ukraine by Kremlin-trained operatives, for the purposes of helping him steal the 2020 election.
This happened the same day the House Judiciary Committee passed articles of impeachment against Trump for ... soliciting illegal assistance from Ukraine in helping him steal the 2020 election.
Roodles The Rambunctious Clown has had a big week. Not only did he uncover a massive and entirely made up conspiracy theory about how Adam Schiff invested in a mutual fund one time, but Talking Points Memo reports that he uncovered another massive and entirely made up conspiracy theory in Ukraine!
This time it's ... um ... well ... OK ... how to put this ...
Former Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch and Joe Biden hid $5.3 billion in American aid intended for Ukraine in their underpants and then they buried it in the backyard probably (WITH THE DNC SERVER, WE BET) and then they dug it back up so they could give it to George Soros, OK, maybe not directly to George Soros, they just gave it to NGOs that George Soros is sugar-daddy of and ...
The Accounts Chamber in Ukraine found an alleged misuse of $5.3B in U.S. funds during the Obama administration whil… https://t.co/vfDD6KFwix— Rudy Giuliani (@Rudy Giuliani)1575603393.0
Yeah! Right! For definitely!
So, Rudy Giuliani "learned this" from Ukrainian MP Andriy Derkach, who we assume fondly remembers his schoolboy days at (we're not kidding) the Felix Dzerzhinsky Higher School of the KGB, don't know if that school was his first choice, maybe it was his safety school, how can we possibly know, the point is IT'S THE FUCKING KGB.
TPM has the letter from Derkach to America's most easily corruptible politicians and government officials, by which we obviously mean Lindsey Graham, Devin Nunes and Mick Mulvaney, which details the SPOOKY AND REAL CONSPIRACY, and refers to "grant-eaters" who are known as the "Children of Soros," because that's obviously a thing. Derkach is whistleblowing all of this and even suggesting maybe he should start a group inside the Ukrainian Duma called "The Friends Of Ukraine STOP Corruption," because he's clearly heard that Trump and his band of devoted crimeholes really get jazzboners for committing corrupt acts under the guise of pretending to fight corruption.
This next part will shock you, are you ready for SHOCK?
Giuliani's new conspiracy theory from Derkach is some lyin' bullshit.
TPM counts the ways:
1. The $5.3 billion wasn't American aid, only $1.44 billion of it was from the Americans.
2. TPM reports that actually "the majority of the aid went towards security and safety measures for Ukraine's network of nuclear power plants," and not to put new marble columns in George Soros's Mazda Miata.
3. Did we mention this info is actually from a Ukrainian government audit of the money, which Roodles and Derkach claim is the source for their info, except for how they appear to be reading it upside down OR MAYBE JUST LYING? We should mention that. We hate to resort to suggesting that Professor Clown Crime and his KGB buddy in Ukraine might not be entirely honest people, but we feel that we have to be ready to confront uncomfortable truths like that, in the unlikely event they arise.
Anyway, TPM says maybe what Roodles is trying to do here is find new ways to back up the hilarious lie that Trump is just super-concerned about corruption in Ukraine, which is the REAL reason he held back all that aid. And WHOA IF TRUE if Marie Yovanovitch and Joe Biden hoovered billions of American aid money for Ukraine up George Soros's b-hole, that would be bad, wouldn't it!
We say, WOULDN'T IT!
It really would!
Joe Biden and Marie Yovanovitch should be ashaaaaaaaamed of the terrible crimes they have been committing in Rudy Giuliani's night terror hallucinations.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
Wonkette is fully funded by readers like YOU. If you love Wonkette, SUPPORT WONKETTE FINANCIALLY.