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What, you don't wanna see this guy nekkid?

We would like to say right here at the outset that we do not care what kind of cuck bullshit Jerry Falwell Jr. and his wife get up to, if they do in fact get up to cuck bullshit, and we do not know that they do. We don't know if old Jerry is sticking it to the pool boy, or if the pool boy is sticking it to him, or to anyone else, or if they even have a pool boy. And we certainly would not like to know if Jerry Falwell (allegedly!) likes to have the pool boy do sexuals to his mother in the outhouse while they're both "drunk off [their] God-fearing asses on Campari." That would be GUH-ROSS, not just because Mrs. Falwell is dead, but also obviously because it is not Bible-approved, and regardless, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

But because this is 2019, we do now know that back in 2015, Michael Cohen (who is on like day three of prison, hope he's making friends and not getting in any trouble!) claims, he helped Falwell deal with some RACY PICTURES he didn't want getting out, pictures described as "between husband and wife." Not long after that, Falwell endorsed Donald Trump.


Falwell, president of Liberty University, one of the world's largest Christian universities, said someone had come into possession of what Cohen described as racy "personal" photographs — the sort that would typically be kept "between husband and wife," Cohen said in the taped conversation.

According to a source familiar with Cohen's thinking, the person who possessed the photos destroyed them after Cohen intervened on the Falwells' behalf.

Gross.

Anyway, Reuters knows about this because Cohen told Tom Arnold about it a while back, Arnold pressed "record" on his Hello Kitty Walkman without telling Cohen -- OK we don't actually know if Arnold has a Hello Kitty Walkman -- and before you knew it, LORDY THERE WERE TAPES. According to the Washington Post, Arnold told Cohen he'd start sharing these stories once Cohen's prison adventure started. And here we are!

Cohen and the Falwells had already known each other for quite a while in 2015, once Trump was an official presidential candidate. Cohen was helping out, obviously, and we guess in the course of that Falwell pulled him aside like, "Oh, um, BTW, you make all Trump's pussy problems go away, right? Well, the Falwells have a pussy problem the size of Noah's Ark, if you know what we mean! And we DEFINITELY don't mean there are two animals of each kind slidin' up and down Big Jerry's lower deck! OR DO WE? PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN." Or maybe he said something entirely different.

Falwell tells Fox Radio NAH:

"While we have a long-standing friendship with Michael Cohen, we never engaged or paid Cohen to represent us in any legal or other professional capacity, and Cohen did not ever resolve any legal matter on our behalf," Falwell told the Fox Radio host. "This report is not accurate."

"Not accurate."

The Falwells' lawyers say this is fake news, and told it to the Washington Post:

"While the Falwells have a long-standing friendship with Michael Cohen, they never engaged or paid Cohen to represent them in any legal or other professional capacity, and Cohen did not ever resolve any legal matter on their behalf," the statement said.

The attorney, who declined to be named, said in a follow-up text message that "there are no compromising or embarrassing photos of Falwell, period!"

NO NUDES! NO PORNS! NO COLLUSION! And also no attorney-client privilege, we guess, if they never officially retained Cohen!

Regardless, somebody ALLEGEDLY had naughty pics of some unknown number of Falwells, they were demanding money for them, Michael Cohen went to Florida to meet with that person's lawyer, and bing bong, problem solved!

The Falwells wanted to keep "a bunch of photographs, personal photographs" from becoming public, Cohen told Arnold. "I actually have one of the photos," he said, without going into specifics. "It's terrible."

IT'S TERRIBLE.

Now, we should obviously -- obviously -- point out that Jerry Falwell Jr. is a paragon of biblical heterosexual Christian morality -- NO, HEAR US OUT! -- and therefore we should start from the assumption that probably the pictures were of Jerry doing traditional matrimonial P-in-Vs with his wife and definitely nobody else is in the room and they are covered by a very large quilt that depicts scenes from the crucifixion of Christ, but definitely not the resurrection, because you can't say "resurrection" without "erection" or slippery-sloping yourself into dirty jokes about "on the third day he ROSE AGAIN," get it, get it, get it?

You know, unless they weren't regular pictures like that. Because why would Cohen say "It's terrible" about the picture he allegedly has of Falwell in some kinda compromising position, if it wasn't ... well, you know ... terrible?

Like, f'r'instance, if there was a pool boy involved, not that we are suggesting there is.

If you are not aware of the modern-day internet tradition where you say "HEY POOL BOY!" every time you hear Jerry Falwell Jr.'s name, that is because you have not clicked on all the headlines that say "Falwell" and "pool boy" in the same sentence, and for that we do not blame you. Here is a helpful Twitter timeline to explain:

As Lesser explains, he wishes he was making this up, but alas he is not, and he helpfully provides all the links, so that Wonkette may cheat off his paper. The pool boy was actually 21 when Jerry and his wife met him on vacay in Miami Beach in 2012. They subsequently went into business with the pool boy, as one does. They helped buy him a $4.65 million hostel in south Florida! The pool boy got to meet Donald Trump! In 2012! At Liberty University! Because Trump was giving the graduation speech!

BuzzFeed:

"It was unclear what [the pool attendant], who was not a Liberty student, was doing there."

Who among us doesn't meet a 21-year-old pool boy on vacation and then very quickly fly him on a private jet to the evangelical university we run, so that it can be entirely unclear what the pool boy is doing there?

Anyway, fast forward to 2015 and "somebody" in South Florida ALLEGEDLY had nakey sexxx pix of the Falwells, and they wanted money. "Somebody." (Later, Falwell and the pool boy got sued by some guys -- named Jesus -- who were mad they got screwed in the hostel thing. )

HUM!

Point is, Cohen claims he took care of it, and Falwell endorsed Trump, not that Reuters is suggesting that is somehow related to Cohen's earlier help with the truly terrible pictures, because they specifically are not suggesting that.

And we guess the rest is history, including the part about how Michael Cohen is now in prison! Trump won ("won"), partially because Jerry rounded up all the evangelicals for him, and now Jerry sitteth at the right hand of Trump the father, from thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead, glory glory hallelujah, in Trump's name we pray for somebody to please clean up all the jizz in this outhouse, allegedly, not that we are saying that there is an outhouse full of jizz, that would be gross, who would say that?

Certainly not Wonkette.

Amen.

[Reuters / Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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