Was It Jerry Falwell Jr. In The Outhouse With The Pool Boy? DOES WONKETTE WIN THE GAME OF 'CLUE'?
We would like to say right here at the outset that we do not care what kind of cuck bullshit Jerry Falwell Jr. and his wife get up to, if they do in fact get up to cuck bullshit, and we do not know that they do. We don't know if old Jerry is sticking it to the pool boy, or if the pool boy is sticking it to him, or to anyone else, or if they even have a pool boy. And we certainly would not like to know if Jerry Falwell (allegedly!) likes to have the pool boy do sexuals to his mother in the outhouse while they're both "drunk off [their] God-fearing asses on Campari." That would be GUH-ROSS, not just because Mrs. Falwell is dead, but also obviously because it is not Bible-approved, and regardless, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
But because this is 2019, we do now know that back in 2015, Michael Cohen (who is on like day three of prison, hope he's making friends and not getting in any trouble!) claims, he helped Falwell deal with some RACY PICTURES he didn't want getting out, pictures described as "between husband and wife." Not long after that, Falwell endorsed Donald Trump.
Falwell, president of Liberty University, one of the world's largest Christian universities, said someone had come into possession of what Cohen described as racy "personal" photographs — the sort that would typically be kept "between husband and wife," Cohen said in the taped conversation.
According to a source familiar with Cohen's thinking, the person who possessed the photos destroyed them after Cohen intervened on the Falwells' behalf.
Anyway, Reuters knows about this because Cohen told Tom Arnold about it a while back, Arnold pressed "record" on his Hello Kitty Walkman without telling Cohen -- OK we don't actually know if Arnold has a Hello Kitty Walkman -- and before you knew it, LORDY THERE WERE TAPES. According to the Washington Post, Arnold told Cohen he'd start sharing these stories once Cohen's prison adventure started. And here we are!
Cohen and the Falwells had already known each other for quite a while in 2015, once Trump was an official presidential candidate. Cohen was helping out, obviously, and we guess in the course of that Falwell pulled him aside like, "Oh, um, BTW, you make all Trump's pussy problems go away, right? Well, the Falwells have a pussy problem the size of Noah's Ark, if you know what we mean! And we DEFINITELY don't mean there are two animals of each kind slidin' up and down Big Jerry's lower deck! OR DO WE? PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN." Or maybe he said something entirely different.
Falwell tells Fox Radio NAH:
"While we have a long-standing friendship with Michael Cohen, we never engaged or paid Cohen to represent us in any legal or other professional capacity, and Cohen did not ever resolve any legal matter on our behalf," Falwell told the Fox Radio host. "This report is not accurate."
The Falwells' lawyers say this is fake news, and told it to the Washington Post:
"While the Falwells have a long-standing friendship with Michael Cohen, they never engaged or paid Cohen to represent them in any legal or other professional capacity, and Cohen did not ever resolve any legal matter on their behalf," the statement said.
The attorney, who declined to be named, said in a follow-up text message that "there are no compromising or embarrassing photos of Falwell, period!"
NO NUDES! NO PORNS! NO COLLUSION! And also no attorney-client privilege, we guess, if they never officially retained Cohen!
Regardless, somebody ALLEGEDLY had naughty pics of some unknown number of Falwells, they were demanding money for them, Michael Cohen went to Florida to meet with that person's lawyer, and bing bong, problem solved!
The Falwells wanted to keep "a bunch of photographs, personal photographs" from becoming public, Cohen told Arnold. "I actually have one of the photos," he said, without going into specifics. "It's terrible."
Now, we should obviously -- obviously -- point out that Jerry Falwell Jr. is a paragon of biblical heterosexual Christian morality -- NO, HEAR US OUT! -- and therefore we should start from the assumption that probably the pictures were of Jerry doing traditional matrimonial P-in-Vs with his wife and definitely nobody else is in the room and they are covered by a very large quilt that depicts scenes from the crucifixion of Christ, but definitely not the resurrection, because you can't say "resurrection" without "erection" or slippery-sloping yourself into dirty jokes about "on the third day he ROSE AGAIN," get it, get it, get it?
You know, unless they weren't regular pictures like that. Because why would Cohen say "It's terrible" about the picture he allegedly has of Falwell in some kinda compromising position, if it wasn't ... well, you know ... terrible?
Like, f'r'instance, if there was a pool boy involved, not that we are suggesting there is.
If you are not aware of the modern-day internet tradition where you say "HEY POOL BOY!" every time you hear Jerry Falwell Jr.'s name, that is because you have not clicked on all the headlines that say "Falwell" and "pool boy" in the same sentence, and for that we do not blame you. Here is a helpful Twitter timeline to explain:
As Lesser explains, he wishes he was making this up, but alas he is not, and he helpfully provides all the links, so that Wonkette may cheat off his paper. The pool boy was actually 21 when Jerry and his wife met him on vacay in Miami Beach in 2012. They subsequently went into business with the pool boy, as one does. They helped buy him a $4.65 million hostel in south Florida! The pool boy got to meet Donald Trump! In 2012! At Liberty University! Because Trump was giving the graduation speech!
"It was unclear what [the pool attendant], who was not a Liberty student, was doing there."
Who among us doesn't meet a 21-year-old pool boy on vacation and then very quickly fly him on a private jet to the evangelical university we run, so that it can be entirely unclear what the pool boy is doing there?
Anyway, fast forward to 2015 and "somebody" in South Florida ALLEGEDLY had nakey sexxx pix of the Falwells, and they wanted money. "Somebody." (Later, Falwell and the pool boy got sued by some guys -- named Jesus -- who were mad they got screwed in the hostel thing. )
Point is, Cohen claims he took care of it, and Falwell endorsed Trump, not that Reuters is suggesting that is somehow related to Cohen's earlier help with the truly terrible pictures, because they specifically are not suggesting that.
And we guess the rest is history, including the part about how Michael Cohen is now in prison! Trump won ("won"), partially because Jerry rounded up all the evangelicals for him, and now Jerry sitteth at the right hand of Trump the father, from thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead, glory glory hallelujah, in Trump's name we pray for somebody to please clean up all the jizz in this outhouse, allegedly, not that we are saying that there is an outhouse full of jizz, that would be gross, who would say that?
Certainly not Wonkette.
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