Washington D.C. To Be Absolutely Decimated Permanently, With Snow
A tipster has just e-mailed us, from her telephone, the single sentence message, "Why aren't you reporting on the gynormous snow storm coming our way?", which is such an oddly hilarious demand that we will now do it. BREAKING: there is a "gynormous" snow storm preparing to bufu Washington D.C. back into the Stone Age, coming tonight! Meteorologists predict five million inches per hour. But most importantly: How will this affect the Senate?
(1) Hollywood, plug this bad boy into your PG holiday movie template: All of these Senators who completely hate each other, at historic levels, grudgingly go to work on the last legislative day before Christmas to decide the fate of a highly contentious bill. They are at each other's necks -- literally, trying to stab each other with long knives. Then suddenly BZZEWW all of the power suddenly cuts off, in the Capitol, because of snow. (Yes, to your editor, the sound of various electronic appliances and fixtures all shutting down at once is "BZZEWW.") The chamber becomes very cold and they are trapped inside the building for the forseeable future, meaning no one will make it home for Christmas. This is the story's nadir! Then: they force themselves to work together, across party lines, to cook food and survive the snow. They get to talking. They have so much in common after all! They have vulnerabilities. They are human. They put on a delicious feast, just for themselves, on Christmas Day! (The Jewish senators don't exist -- this is a Disney movie.)
Fast-forward to the next day, when they can finally exit the Capitol. How bittersweet -- do they even want to leave now? They must, sadly. They walk out of the main entrance, smiling, joking, holding hands. A diverse crowd of 500,000 awaits them on the Mall and erupts in applause. "No more political parties, ever! The deficit is fixed too!," the new Congressional friends announce. Fade-out.
(2) Ben Nelson complains that getting to work this weekend would be too much of a pain in the ass, so Harry Reid cancels the health care vote. Tons of people die. We invade Iran.