Hi hi! Who is fired up, ready to go, to watch the Kamala Harris/Mike Pence Debate Wonkette Liveblog? YOU ARE? Well thank goodness, because we're over here drinking ourselves blind. What if Mike Pence condescends to Kamala Harris so hard she knocks down the frisbee-sized plexiglass partition between them and punches him in his bigot face, and everybody says she's so angry, like Hulk! What if he blathers his words so smoothly, idiots believe him? What if he shivs her like Tulsi Gabbard did and she stands there like a really awesomely dressed fish? So like Trump on the Truman Balcony, but in nice clothes that fit? PLEASE DON'T BE A AWESOME-DRESSED FISH LIKE TRUMP BUT IN NICE CLOTHES THAT FIT, KAMALA HARRIS!

Okay, all our worries are out of the way, let's have a tequila shot

https://wonkettebazaar.com/products/joe-biden-kama...

and begin!

WHO READY?


2020 Harris-Pence Vice Presidential Debate | LIVE | NowThis www.youtube.com

9 p.m.: Everybody go home! Debate's over!

9:05 p.m.: Moderator Susan Page: Aren't we all so sad that the Trumps are riddled with coronavirus not because they had to be but because they ran into that knife 10 times? Sure Susan Page, we are all just broken up about it. Horse is out of the barn door on civility Susan Page; Pence is not a lunatic shouter, he's a this guy:

Giphy

9:10 p.m.: Kamala Harris, how did they kill all the people?

Kamala Harris: They killed all the people because they knew; they covered it up; the president said it was a hoax (he will say that is Fake News but it is NOT Fake News); some other stuff. She forgot to be all like WHO the head of the coronavirus task force? YOU the head of the coronavirus task force!

Susan Page: Mike Pence, how did you fuck this up so hard?

Mike Pence: The president puts everyone else first. My living room (not even me!): SUCK. A. DICK. Mike Pence: They all told us we were being racist to shut down China, just because we were being totally racist because by then it was actually coming from Europe and everyone knew it! Now we've done all the PPE and vaccines, we win, Joe Biden is a plagiarist, the end.

Oh hi Kamala: "Mister Vice President, I'm speaking? I'm speaking." Oh hey.

Mike Pence: They will always be in our hearts. Me: Oh FUCK YOU. My living room: You just said we had to be quiet so you could hear and now YOU are the one yelling curses at Mike Pence! Okay, but that Kamala not letting her talk over him was very fine.

Susan Page, literally: What about your superspreader event?

Mike Pence: "Americans love to put their neighbors first," SUCKAAAAAS! Know who doesn't have an answer to "why did you have a superspreader event"? Mike Pence. Kamala is GLEEFUL about their superspreader event, try to hide that smile better Kamala, okay much better!

Oh here comes Kamala, HOW ABOUT RESPECTING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE? Mike Pence looks like shit, by the way, I mean no "Rudy Giuliani hacking all over Fox News," but like shit just the same.

Susan Page: Senator Kamala, will you take the vaccine?

Kamala: If Dr. Fauci says to take it, I'll be first in line. If DONALD TRUMP says to take it, FUCK YOU I MEAN NO THANK YOU.

Mike Pence: Remember how few people died under Obama Biden in the swine flu? Wasn't that so bad?

Everybody in the entire world: LOOLLLLLLLLL.

Oh, that was a question about what if the president is disabled? LOOLLLLLLL.

Same question to Kamala: What if your OLD AS BALLS running mate is disabled like Trump clearly is now?

Kamala: Let me tell you my life story, because "Joe" is "old" and "handsome" is not coming out of my mouth.

Susan Page, still trying: HI, HAVE YOU GUYS NOTICED YOUR OLD BALLS RUNNING MATES ARE OLD BALLS, AND ONE OF THEM IS CURRENTLY HIGHHHHH AS FUUUUUCK?

Mike Pence: Thoughts and prayers!

How about you, Kamala?

Kamala: Joe Biden has been transparent, both with health records and HI NYT TAX SCOOP! "I literally said, when I heard about it, 'you mean $750 THOUSAND dollars?' No, 750 dollars. WHO HE OWE MONEY TO? SERIOUSLY FUCKING WHO.

Mike Pence: President Trump is a job creator. I couldn't hear the rest of his answer over the HOWLS OF LAUGHTER in my living room, sorry :(

Susan Page: Oh, I have a question about jobs! How come there aren't any any more?

Kamala Harris: INFRASTRUCTURE WEEK! (Drink.) Science. R&D. Education! Money! More answers! So many answers! Did Elizabeth Warren write this answer?

https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/elizabeth-w...

9:30 p.m.: Something about the economy, and Mike Pence says Biden Harris will RAISE OUR TAXES OH NOOOOOOOO. Whatever, don't care.

Kamala: Joe has been very clear that he won't raise taxes on anyone making less than $400,000 a year.

Mike Pence: INTERRUPTING COW MOOOOOOOO!

Kamala, again: Mr. Vice President, I'm SPEAKING. But then she lets him filibuster for a good minute and so does Susan Page GRRR SUSAN PAGE. Who is now cutting off Kamala Harris talking about Obamacare, and Kamala politely stops her: "He interrupted me, and I'd like to finish."

Mike Pence: I hope we have a chance to talk about health care, because Obamacare was a disaster. Yeah, buddy, you ain't passed anything to replace it still, because you got nothing to replace it. Instead of talking about health care, which he "hopes" we'll have a chance to talk about, talks about fracking is awesome to try to reduce Joe Biden's million point lead in Pennsylvania.

Susan Page: Yeah, speaking of fracking, how about climate change?

Mike Pence: Joe Biden and Kamala Harris would put us back in PARIS, and GREEN NEW DEAL, which would "crush American jobs" because I don't know anything about ... INFRASTRUCTURE and jobs! Says "forest management" because what kind of idiot would talk about raking the forest? Also says there aren't any more hurricanes today than 100 years ago, and the living room EXPLODES.

Kamala Harris: Let me learn you ALL THE THINGS [things excised here], Trump literally took the word "science" off the website and took the words "climate change" off the website, and yes we'll rejoin Paris with pride.

Mike Pence: WE love science! GREEN NEW DEAL GREEN NEW DEAL GREEN NEW DEAL.

Kamala: Let's talk about that: The vice president earlier with pride talked about their trade war with China. What happened with that trade war? You LOST IT. [Facts proving they lost it.] Kamala is murdering that poor nice Vice President Pence.

Mike Pence: Something about China and Joe Biden licking their asses and losing all their jobs.

Kamala: Joe Biden saved the auto industry and you voted against it.

Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, what's the DEAL with CHINA?

Mike Pence: China wouldn't let our people in to look at all the coronavirus!

Kamala Harris, I hope before this even posts: YOU TOOK OUR PEOPLE OUT OF CHINA. I hope she has already said this PLEASE.

Okay cool, she did.

9:55 p.m.: Hey, what about foreign policy?

Kamala: Keep your word, keep an eye on your adversaries, Donald Trump doesn't know which is which.

Pence: We moved the embassy to Jerusalem, because our entire foreign policy is based on John Hagee's Apocalypse boner.

Ummmm, maybe Mike Pence shouldn't have brought up Obama's failures as a C-in-C, because Kamala just brought up a) the "headaches" with the serious brain injuries, b) "what's in it for them", c) John McCain, and d) the fucking BOUNTIES PUTIN PUT ON AMERICANS HEADS AND TRUMP TALKED TO PUTIN SIX TIMES AND NEVER SAID BOO.

Pence tries to run over it and Susan Page stares him down, successfully.

Page asks about the Supreme Court and Roe v. Wade, and Pence takes a little time to say Joe Biden wanted to let bin Laden live, I assume Kamala will have a riposte. But now he is on Amy Bony Carrot and how she is bein' OPPRESSED because CATHOLIC!

That'll be news to Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden and any members of the Supreme Court who aren't Jewish.

Kamala: Joe and I are both people of faith, and I frankly find it offensive that you'd say we're questioning Coney Barrett's. But we're not in an election YEAR, we're in an ELECTION. Pandemic! Obamacare! Pre-existing condition from contracting the virus, and Trump is in court to invalidate the ACA! What the fuck!

So remember all our worries up top? Yeah, we good.

Wow, in lying about Joe and Kamala's "taxpayer funded abortions to the moment of birth," Pence actually lies LESS than Trump usually does, since he always adds AND BEYOND!

Which, you may already know, is illegal being murder and all.

Pence demands to know if Coney Barrett is elected will they pack the court (YES PLEASE). Kamala brings up a history lesson of "Honest Abe" refusing to fill a Court seat ... 27 days before an election, despite having the Congress.

Pence, having not once answered a question, demands to know WILL THEY PACK IT.

Kamala bringing up all kinds of facts about who's been packing the courts, and it is McConnell and Donald Trump.

10:15 p.m.: Susan Page: Let's talk about Breonna Taylor and justice, and I would just like to say, I think Susan Page is doing very well. Sure, she let Mike Pence run over her a bunch of times, but then she HAD ENOUGH and CUT THE SHIT. She brought up climate change, the president's clear disability, Roe v. Wade, and now racial justice and Breonna Taylor.

Anyway, Kamala: I'm a former prosecutor, and I know what I'm talking about. Bad cops are bad for good cops. And here's what we'll do about it.

I know this is a very serious moment, but I can't concentrate on Pence's answer because of the fly that's been on his head for 10 minutes now.



Also, he seems to have pinkeye, which is a symptom of coronavirus.



10:28 p.m: Dok Zoom jumping in because Rebecca's computer froze, and in all the excitement, I missed anything brilliant that either one might have said (I mean of course Kamala or Susan Page).

Pence reassures a young woman that America is great and people can get along, because look at RBG and Antonin Scalia, who could come together over opera before Scalia got busy dismantling the Voting Rights Act.

Harris: Joe Biden is a good man who will not cheer Nazis, and America can look forward to better days!

Then, AFTER we complimented her, Susan Page closed with the mother of all bothsides and WE DO NOT LIKE HER AGAIN.

That is all, it is over, what the hell, Mother Pence is NOT WEARING A MASK, just to fucking FLAUNT THEIR ASSHOLES. GAH.

Postscript: Remember that time Rick Wiles (Correction, it was some dillweed named "Jonathan Wright, Wonkette regrets the error) said Obama was the Antichrist, because there was a fly in the room with him one time? Good times, man.

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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