Waterboarding Ended Forever! (For Cows)
Hey look, it's one of those days with a guest editor, because the real editor is doing something else! Wonkette's comic book and foreign affairs correspondent Josh Fruhlinger will be filling in for Ken Layne today. Anything could happen!
A heroic undercover investigation spent weeks determining that "contractors" working for the U.S. government were engaged in systematic mistreatment of detainees. These cruel monsters tormented their captives -- many of whom were old and sick -- in the name of helping American children. When the shocking video of the torment was released, though, swift government action brought the the un-American practices to an end. At last, there's justice -- for cows!
Westland Meat Company owns a slaughterhouse in Chino, California, and supplies delicious beef to a USDA program that distributes it to "needy families, the elderly, and also to schools, through the National School Lunch Program." Three years ago, the USDA even declared Westland "supplier of the year"! But a hidden-camera sting operation run by the Humane Society shows that Westland was using old, sick cows (a possible vector of mad cow disease), and mistreating them by, among other things, spraying their faces with waterhoses -- "torture, right out of a waterboarding manual," sez the Humane Society!
Once the awful video became public, the USDA suspended its relationship with Westland, Congressfolk demanded an investigation, and no
detainees cows were ever tortured again! All cows will now be given tender, loving, affectionate care, right up to the part where they're killed and eaten.