We Are Starting To For Real Worry About Ted Cruz's Wife's Well-Being
We are scared.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/600012/is-ted-cruz-adulterous-foreign-born-whore-maybe"></a>[/wonkbar]We have felt sorry for Heidi Cruz quite a bit lately. This is the lady who mayhaps have allegedly been cheated on a million times by her husband, Ted Cruz. Donald Trump retweeted a real yucky picture of her to all his paste-eating followers, with the clear implication that she is a total uggo. Trump threatened to "spill the beans" on all her big secrets. Oh, and she actually thinks her husband has the face of God, which means she is either blind or she was kidnapped at a young age and brainwashed.
But now we're learning a story that makes us feel even sorrier for her. Did you know that when Ted Cruz married Heidi, he took her on a honeymoon, and immediately came home and bought ONE HUNDRED CANS of soup?
The supposedly happy Heidi Cruz told Anderson Cooper the story during CNN's Town Hall:
Heidi Cruz: When we got back from our honeymoon, he bought 100 cans of soup https://t.co/nhK4sm6wYa#CruzFamilyhttps://t.co/eNzJE5rhrX
— CNN Politics (@CNNPolitics) April 14, 2016
When I married Ted, we got back from our honeymoon, and he went off to the store and came home by himself. And I was completely shocked to see that he arrived back at our apartment with literally 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup. I never bought 100 of anything.
Ted interjects, to clarify that he didn't get just one flavor of soup. "Different kinds," he says. "You gotta have some chicken, some beef ... "
This was shocking to me, so we had a tough conversation about it. I said, “You don’t buy 100 of anything, much less canned soup. We can’t do this. I’ll be making things.” He said, “No, I know you. you won’t be making things.”
So the next morning, it was a weekend morning, I loaded up our car before he woke up and returned every single can. And when I got home, I called my mother just to make sure I’d done the right thing as a newlywed. And she emphatically disagreed with me. And so when Ted opened the pantry, I had to quickly tell him that I would go back and buy those cans again.
Heidi says she is a bad cook, and Ted says he is too, and thus, the 100 cans of soup.
We need to know things:
- Why was this conversation "tough"? Did they have to actually sit down on the couch and look into each other's eyes and Use Their Words, about how 100 cans of soup is too much soup?
- Was there a big sale on soup, or did Ted The Fiscal Conservative pay full price like A Idiot?
- How MORTIFYING was it to drive to the Piggly Wiggly and say to the nice lady, "I'd like to return all the soup, as my husband and I have had a tough conversation about it"? Could Heidi hear her dreams shattering right then and there?
- And then, how much MORE embarrassing was it to go BACK to the store, after having been scolded by young Ted upon noticing the bare cupboard, and say, "I would like to buy all the soup again, because my mom and husband told me to"?
- Was Ted already ALLEGEDLY boning many bunches of ladies and figured if he got soup for Heidi, he also had to get soup for the other ladies? Maybe not all 100 cans were intended for Heidi, did you guys think about that?!
- Did he try to put any dildos in the soup? Those are some little tiny dildos, if so!
- Does Ted Cruz like to have lots of Campbell's Chunky Chicken Corn Chowder and Beef With Country Vegetables soup around because he likes to use them as lube when he is humping pillows? That's gross, Ted Cruz!
- Heidi, are you OK? You can talk to us, Heidi. For real. Next time you are on television, you can send yr Wonkette a secret signal if you are not OK, and we will hear you. Just say "TruckNutz" or "also too."
We think those are our main questions, at this point. Feel free to come up with more in the comments, which are not allowed.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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