We Are Worried Lindsey Graham Still Doesn't Understand How Much We Hate Him
Lindsey Graham has a problem, and it is that he doesn't understand how much we hate him.
Speaking to The Hill, Graham decided to both deflect from the actual ongoing Russian attack on the election for the benefit of his daddy Donald Trump, and also whine-splain a conspiracy theory about how unfair it is that everybody is giving his opponent Jaime Harrison (DONATE HIM!) so many gabillions of dollars more than they are giving him, Lindsey Graham.
"Where's all this money coming from ActBlue coming from? How easy would it be to just have a bunch of pre-paid credit cards?" he asked The Hill.
No, Lindsey, it's that we hate you, and we don't mean it like when kids tell their parents they hate them. We mean like a fully developed adult feeling of hatred, for you, for your president, and for every elected official in your political party.
And where is the money coming from? ActBlue is distributing it, and it is mostly small-dollar donations from Americans, who hate you.
If you are curious who the donors are, that information is available on FEC dot gov.
"Some of these shadowy figures out there running ads, is there any foreign influence afoot?" Graham asked.
Occam's Razor says it's just that people hate you.
"Where is all this money coming from?"
Americans, who hate you. Look it up, again, on FEC dot gov. Read their names in the mirror, and internalize how they hate you.
"You don't have to report it if it's below $200," he added, referring to campaign finance rules that don't require public reporting of individuals who give less than $200.
Actually if you go to FEC dot gov, you can find lots of small-dollar donations, specifically to Jaime Harrison (DONATE HIM! ON ACTBLUE!), from Americans who hate you. As ActBlue explained to The Hill, they report everything. They report Americans who hate Lindsey Graham who gave the maximum to Lindsey Graham's opponent, to show how much they hate Lindsey Graham, and they report Americans who hate Lindsey Graham who gave five dollars, because maybe they didn't have a ton of extra money to give but wanted to show Lindsey Graham they hate him, even if it's just a small token of their hatred.
"When this election is over with, I hope there will be a sitting down and finding out, 'OK, how do we control this?'"
How to control small-dollar donations from Americans who hate you? Fuck you.
"It just seems to be an endless spiral."
An endless spiral of five-dollar bills! (From Americans who hate you.)
Graham has been making these whines ever since it was announced that Jaime Harrison (DONATE HIM!) had raised $57 million in the third quarter, compared to his paltry not-that-many dollars. He whined to Sean Hannity. He whined in a federal building, in contravention of established campaign finance law. He whined in the Amy Comet Ping-Pong confirmation hearings. "I don't know what's going on out there, but I can tell you there's a lot of money being raised in this campaign," said Graham. "I'd like to know where the hell some of it's coming from."
It is from Americans, who hate you.
GOP Senator John Cornyn, who is also being outraised by his Democratic opponent MJ Hegar (DONATE HER! ON ACTBLUE!), also does not understand how much people hate him:
"It's probably a good idea," he said. "My understanding is that any donation under $200 they don't even have to identify the donor so obviously there's a lot of opportunity for mischief."
"So, I think that would be worthwhile," he said.
"Mischief" = Americans who hate you that much.
GOP Senator Rob Portman is also confused. He's not up for re-election this year, so WILD CARD, PICK SOMEBODY TO DONATE TO ON ACTBLUE.
Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio), chairman of the Homeland Security panel's Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations, said he would be willing to look at his colleagues' calls for more scrutiny after the election.
"I don't know if it's not explainable. I just don't know," he said of the jaw-dropping Democratic fundraising numbers.
It is explainable, and it is that we hate you.
There are 13 days left until the election, and all these candidates need your help to get across the finish line, and for the inevitable flood of lawsuits that will be filed afterward to challenge the results, from un-American Republican candidates who don't understand how much America hates them. Today would be a good day for you to see if you've got some extra money, visit ActBlue, and give some of that extra money to good Democratic candidates running to replace people you hate, or to keep in office people you don't hate, but who have opponents you hate, like that fuckhead idiot Republican trying to replace Democratic Senator Gary Peters in Michigan. (DONATE HIM!)
Remember, if you don't open up your wallet even more, Lindsey Graham and these other Republicans may never understand how much you hate them. And wouldn't that be a shame?
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Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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