We Endorse Susan Collins's Pro-Trump Primary Challenger Because 'Susan Collins'
Noted fraud and hypocrite Susan Collins is facing a primary challenge in 2020. Good. The Maine senator claims she's a "pro-choice" moderate, but we've also claimed we were Michael B. Jordan's stunt double in Black Panther. According to FiveThirtyEight, Collins has voted with Donald Trump 72.3 percent of the time. That's more than 25% greater than what FiveThirtyEight would predict for a senator from a (kind of) a blue state that Trump (sort of) lost in 2018. It's possible that Collins isn't all that "moderate."
Collins recently tried to bolster her "moderate" street cred when, along with 11 other Republicans, she joined Democrats in blocking Trump's BS "State of Emergency" declaration. We didn't send her any cookies from the Wonkette test kitchen because upholding the Constitution is sort of a congressional baseline. Besides, even Joe Manchin voted correctly and he represents a state where everyone literally is Donald Trump. It's like Bizarro World but more racist.
Still, Collins flaunting her spine pissed off Trump loyalist Derek Levasseur. The conservative blogger and former police officer announced on Facebook that he would try to make Collins a former senator. He's not an immediately serious opponent. He's not even a cop anymore because of a 2012 "incident" at a wedding reception. He was charged with assaulting four people, including his own daughter. He technically has no criminal record, though, because the charges were expunged.
Two of the victims were minors, including Levasseur's daughter, who was 15 at the time. There is no narrative of the incident in a court file, but Levasseur said in an email he was "highly intoxicated" and outside the house when he learned of a "situation" in the house involving his daughter, another girl and two men and "responded to it very poorly."
This is still good news for those of us who want to send Collins to the island of misfit senators. Back in 2018, Trump endorsed Katie Arrington in the primary race against South Carolina Rep. Mark Sanford. Sanford boasted a 70.8 percent "Trump score" (yes, slightly less than Maine "moderate" Collins), but he sometimes would mildly criticize the thin-skinned toddler in chief. Trump has a lot of muscle among the GOP's primary electorate, and he enjoys flexing it against the RINOs who think he should maybe "act presidential" and not insult people or shred the Constitution.
Democrat Joe Cunnigham wound up beating Arrington in a district the GOP had held for longer than Mayor Pete Buttigieg has existed. This was an inexplicable upset, except for the explicable part where Arrington was a lousy candidate. We need more lousy candidates to run against in 2020 so we can take back the Senate from scum lord Mitch McConnell.
Levasseur claimed that Collins's support for "red flag" laws also motivated his run. The gun safety legislation allows authorities to temporarily take guns from people who are considered a threat. This probably includes people who get shitfaced and violent at wedding receptions.
Conservatives in Maine are fairly bonkers. Racist Paul LePage was the governor for eight years. A contested primary might force Collins to do more to keep the base happy than simply voting to confirm Brett Kavanaugh. She already found a way to somehow blame liberals for that crummy vote. Who knows what further acts of right-wing depravity she'll claim the mean old Left forced upon her?
Collins is already trying to get back on Trump's good side. She joined the Republican victory parade that's been waving the "Trump Is Totally Not A Crook" banner. It reminds us of the "That Pesky Witness Up And Vanished! Uncle Vinnie's Totally Innocent Now" parties mob families have.
"He has been exonerated on the issue of conspiracy or coordination with the Russians," Collins said in an interview, adding that she wants to read the full Mueller report and get a classified briefing on the obstruction of justice issue.
That's not at all what Attorney General William Barr said in his CliffsNotes summary of Robert Mueller's report. But whatevs! If Collins's dignity was publicly traded, we'd always advise selling. Shameless Trump canoodling might help her fend off a primary threat but it will likely endanger the "Reasonable Republican" grift she's pulled for decades now. Whoever the Democrat is who winds up facing Collins in 2020, we look forward to calling them "Senator."
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.