We Have Always Been At War With ... Montenegro???
Guess what Vladimir Putin's getting for Christmas! He's been dropping hints, and you know the Big Orange Baboon can't say no to him for some unknown reason. Gonna be so cute when little Vladdy stumbles down the stairs in his PJs, brushes the sleep from his eyes, and finds MONTENEGRO all wrapped up with a big bow under the Christmas tree. Adorbz!
Oh, but we are to kid! Just a little levity as President Treasonweasel slams a sledgehammer into the international framework that kept us out of another world war for the past 70 years. So why are we suddenly talking about a tinyass country whose chief export appears to be consonants? (Sorry, Montenegro. But your Predsjednik Crne Gore is Milo Đukanović, and your capital city is Cetinje, which is just cheating at Scrabble.)
Well! Donald Trump just got out of a two-hour, closed-door meeting with Vladimir Putin, whose government tried to stage a coup in 2016 to assassinate Đukanović and stop Montenegro's accession to the European Union. Which might not be a coincidence!
Last night Trump sat down with craven whore Tucker Carlson, who obediently furrowed his brow at those dastardly Democrats denying the plain truth that the president shits fragrant glitter balls. In this episode, Carlson was tasked with washing Trump's crackpot theory that the Montenegrins are on the verge of invading Russia and dragging us into World War III.
Was Carlson up to the task? YOU BET YOUR SWEET BOWTIE HE WAS!
CARLSON: Membership in NATO obligates the members to defend any other member that's attacked. So let's say Montenegro, which joined last year, is attacked. Why should my son go to Montenegro to defend it from attack?
TRUMP: I understand what you're saying. I've asked the same question.You know, Montenegro is a tiny country with very strong people.
CARLSON: Yeah, I'm not against Montenegro. Or Albania.
TRUMP: By the way, they're very strong people. They're very aggressive people. They may get aggressive, and congratulations, you're in World War III.
Actually, President Reading Comprehension, our alliance with NATO requires us to defend another member country from attack. So the only way we wind up in a war is if your Best Pal Pootie starts shooting.
The Parties agree that an armed attack against one or more of them in Europe or North America shall be considered an attack against them all and consequently they agree that, if such an armed attack occurs, each of them, in exercise of the right of individual or collective self-defence recognised by Article 51 of the Charter of the United Nations, will assist the Party or Parties so attacked by taking forthwith, individually and in concert with the other Parties, such action as it deems necessary, including the use of armed force, to restore and maintain the security of the North Atlantic area.
And the only time Article 5's joint defense obligation has been invoked was to protect the United States after a bunch of lunatics sponsored by our "allies" in Saudi Arabia attacked us in 2001. So Tucker Carlson can probably quit packing his boy Buckley's rucksack in preparation to ship him off to the Montenegrin Front.
(Yes, Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson named his son Buckley. Not to be confused with Tucker's brother Buckley Carlson, who is a piece of work. Don't ask us why they all have the same horrible name -- we're Jews.)
Montenegro is a tiny country on the Adriatic coast with 675,000 people. It is not about to invade Russia! So why the sudden focus on a country with the population of Baltimore? Is it possible that the former KGB officer convinced our Commander in Tweet that the US needs to pull out of NATO before those "aggressive" Montenegrins force the US into a war with Russia?
COULD DONALD TRUMP REALLY BE THAT STUPID?
Oh, we are silly today. Of course he could! Shit, his own people aren't even pretending otherwise.
We just asked the Montenegrins to up their troop levels in Afghanistan, and they did.
As Donald Trump said to Tucker Carlson, "Add that to your little equation on Montenegro." (Yes, really.) And a bunch of other nonsense lies about the US funding 90 percent of NATO's costs and gee, wouldn't it be swell if we could run the world as one, giant protection racket!
So maybe Mike Pompeo and Jim Mattis could let Congress know whatever Trump cooked up with Putin in Finland before THIS FUCKING MORON GETS US ALL KILLED.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.