We Know Trump Doesn’t Have Coronavirus Because He Told Us, So Take That To The Bank

We Know Trump Doesn’t Have Coronavirus Because He Told Us, So Take That To The Bank

We reported Saturday that Donald Trump had consented to testing after having French-kissed multiple people who later tested positive for the virus. The president should've quarantined himself like a common Ted Cruz, but instead he's shaken everyone's dirty-ass hand and stood shoulder to shoulder with his staff during a press conference about the coronavirus outbreak. Everyone who was concerned about the president's health can rest easy now: Trump doesn't have the coronavirus. He tested negative, according to a statement from the White House, which you should absolutely trust.

Trump will have his temperature checked regularly, and that's interesting because he looks like someone who sweats a lot. I'd assume he's a constant 100 degrees. But anyone else who has a slightly elevated temperature won't be allowed to come in contact with him. Melania Trump is probably already faking a phony fever. (We'd still recommend the clammy hands. It's a good, non-specific symptom.)

I know people who are keeping six feet away from their own family members, but Trump doesn't seem overly concerned with social distancing. Scientists should consider studying Trump's apparently immunity or advanced healing power. How else do you explain someone eating so many Big Macs and still standing mostly upright? The cure might live within Trump's putrid blood.

Republican National Committee chair Ronna (ROMNEY) McDaniel also received one of the many coronavirus tests that are readily available to powerful people. She had fever and flu-like symptoms but tested negative for the just-plain flu and strep throat. She's in self-quarantine but was in close contact with the president and Senate Republicans last week. McDaniel was at a Mar-a-Lago event March 6, and Trump's resort has become a coronavirus hot zone. Normally, the only thing you were at risk of catching there was tackiness.

McDaniel might be under the weather, but she's still lying for the evil cause she serves. She's retweeted some more “just how senile is Joe Biden?" videos, and just this morning, she shared a clip of non-social-distancing Mike Pence reassuring Americans that if they're sick and stay home, they won't miss a paycheck. That is only 20 percent true.

"If you're sick, stay home" should be the standard protocol when there's not a global pandemic. Just during normal cold and flu season, people shouldn't work when they're ill. Everyone would be healthier for it. We're now in near lock down and Pence is recommending that McDonald's workers not show up to make Egg McMuffins if they have the plague. Of course, McDonald's is actually exempt from the paid sick leave legislation, which Pence should know because Republicans demanded we spare these poor struggling mom and pop corporations.

Trump's approval ratings remain roughly the same now as before he set America on the path to Mad Max. Republicans overwhelmingly approve of his management of the crisis, and most Democrats exist in the real world. But, hey at least he's healthy.


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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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