Donate

OK here is a story about Trump's pecker protector, which was held by his friend David Pecker. Now that Trump's Pecker is cooperating with the authorities (his Pecker flipped) journalists are learning about the relationship between Trump and his Pecker, and turns out Trump's Pecker kept Trump's secrets in a pecker protector, and YOU DON'T HAVE THE KEY. Also, Trump's pecker protector was removed and/or destroyed, sometime after the election and before the inauguration.


We told you yesterday all about the conspiracy hatched between David Pecker (head of AMI, which publishes the National Enquirer) and Michael Cohen and Donald Trump and "one or more" people on the Trump campaign, to bury Trump's pecker secrets, so they wouldn't make Joy Beth from the Rust Belt change her mind and vote for Crooked Lying Hillary at the last minute. Pecker is telling the feds all about it, and we assume Dylan Howard, the chief content officer for AMI, is doing the same, as he has also been granted pecker protection immunity. (Howard was the one who, just days before the election, frantically sexted Michael Cohen that they better get Stormy Daniels paid off, because otherwise it might end up looking bad for "everyone," by which he meant Trump's pecker.)

The AP has new reporting that says Pecker, whose company is in financial DEEP SHIT (sorry about the technical term we just used there), literally had a safe where he kept Trump's deepest darkest pecker secrets, but that it mysteriously got removed by Dylan Howard just after the election, because SHRUGGIE DUNNO WHY.

The National Enquirer kept a safe containing documents on hush-money payments and other damaging stories it killed as part of its cozy relationship with Donald Trump leading up to 2016 presidential election, people familiar with the arrangement told The Associated Press. [...]

The Trump records were stored alongside similar documents pertaining to other celebrities' catch-and-kill deals, in which exclusive rights to people's stories were bought with no intention of publishing to keep them out of the news. By keeping celebrities' embarrassing secrets, the company was able to ingratiate itself with them and ask for favors in return.

Oh that is nice! They would catch and kill the secrets of the rich and powerful, and because of that they had power over them! Jesus Christ ... Russia has kompromat on Trump's pecker ("allegedly" LOL), the National Enquirer had kompromat on Trump's pecker ... BRB gonna check under our couch cushions to see if we also have kompromat on Trump's pecker, because it is apparently this season's hottest item!

But then, "[f]earful that the documents might be used against AMI," as AP puts it, Pecker and Howard took all the Trump pecker stuff out of the official pecker protector (safe, we mean safe), and now Trump's pecker is completely unprotected by the pecker protector. AP reports that nobody knows whether they burned Trump's pecker secrets, or whether they just put them somewhere a little more protector-y, like maybe in the garage.

This is wild, because remember that Cohen tape? The one where Michael Cohen and Donald Trump were discussing buying back the rights to some of Trump's pecker secrets, just in case Trump's Pecker (David Pecker, that is) got thrown under Duncan Hunter's wife's bus? Well turns out there's a bunch of other Trump pecker secrets out there, just dangling around! (Unless they burned Trump's other pecker secrets.)

The point of this story is that the National Enquirer hasn't really been in the "journalism" business (THE FUCK YOU SAY!) but more in the in the catch and kill/leverage business. And Dylan Howard AKA Pecker's Little Helper, perhaps realizing they were all involved in a criminal enterprise, went ahead and moved Trump's pecker protector after the election, and maybe even ran over it with his car, OW OW OW OW OW STOP RUNNING OVER TRUMP'S PECKER PROTECTOR WITH YOUR 2004 NISSAN SENTRA, DYLAN.

In summary and in conclusion, PECKER PECKER PECKER PECKER PECKER PECKER PECKER.

Also, you should watch the "A" block from last night's Rachel Maddow, where she talks about the Enquirer's massive collusion with the Trump campaign, as they constantly published stories about how Hillary had wasted away to 95 pounds and also ballooned up to 475 pounds, and amid this rapid weight loss/gain she still had time to murder everybody and do child sex rings. Meanwhile, the Enquirer stories about Trump were about how he has the hottest pecker and just can't stop himself from saving the world. Oh, and one time AMI published a really weird glossy book about the NSFW sexxxiness of Saudi prince Mohammad bin Salman AKA "MBS" AKA "Jared's sleepover buddy," bet that one just flew off the shelves in Walmart, you betcha.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Help Wonkette LIVE FOREVER! Seriously, if you can, please hit the tip jar below and make a donation of MONEY. Or click this link to become a monthly subscriber!

[AP]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

$
Donate with CC

Hello! Here a beautiful open thread for you to not comment all over, so that you don't not comment all over Dok's book club post.

I was gonna drop my Nonnie's recipe for Easter bread in here, but apparently it has to proof overnight and is also for approximately 87,000 people, so not much of a point to that! (Though here it is if you really want it. She doesn't do the egg thing, but if you want, you can put some dyed raw eggs in the braided dough before you bake. And you can add sprinkles, and anise if you're gross and like gross things) I was gonna try and make it myself last night, but have instead opted to just make waffles. Waffles are FINE.

So instead, I shall just leave you with this absolutely terrifying version of The Velveteen Rabbit starring Marie Osmond as said velveteen rabbit. Coincidentally, Marie Osmond is also Nonnie's 2nd arch-nemesis, after Rachel Ray (Rachel Ray because she doesn't pull her hair back when she cooks, and Marie for reasons I'm not entirely clear on but which I believe are related to a Weight Watchers commercial).

THE VELVETEEN RABBIT starring Marie Osmond - full length feature youtu.be


OK! Talk amongst yourselves! Or send us money! Or both! Your choice!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

$
Donate with CC
'Unemployed men queued outside a depression soup kitchen opened in Chicago by Al Capone' -- National Archives

Happy Day Before Half-Priced Easter Chocolate Day, Wonkers! Time to wrap up our Wonkette Book Club discussion of Winter War: Hoover, Roosevelt, and the First Clash Over the New Deal, by Erich Rauchway, a historian at UC-Davis. We're increasingly convinced the book might have just as well been titled Herbert Hoover: Christ, What An Asshole! As ever, even if you haven't finished the reading, jump in anyway -- there won't be a test!

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc