We Need To Talk About Trump's Pecker Protector

OK here is a story about Trump's pecker protector, which was held by his friend David Pecker. Now that Trump's Pecker is cooperating with the authorities (his Pecker flipped) journalists are learning about the relationship between Trump and his Pecker, and turns out Trump's Pecker kept Trump's secrets in a pecker protector, and YOU DON'T HAVE THE KEY. Also, Trump's pecker protector was removed and/or destroyed, sometime after the election and before the inauguration.

We told you yesterday all about the conspiracy hatched between David Pecker (head of AMI, which publishes the National Enquirer) and Michael Cohen and Donald Trump and "one or more" people on the Trump campaign, to bury Trump's pecker secrets, so they wouldn't make Joy Beth from the Rust Belt change her mind and vote for Crooked Lying Hillary at the last minute. Pecker is telling the feds all about it, and we assume Dylan Howard, the chief content officer for AMI, is doing the same, as he has also been granted pecker protection immunity. (Howard was the one who, just days before the election, frantically sexted Michael Cohen that they better get Stormy Daniels paid off, because otherwise it might end up looking bad for "everyone," by which he meant Trump's pecker.)

The AP has new reporting that says Pecker, whose company is in financial DEEP SHIT (sorry about the technical term we just used there), literally had a safe where he kept Trump's deepest darkest pecker secrets, but that it mysteriously got removed by Dylan Howard just after the election, because SHRUGGIE DUNNO WHY.

The National Enquirer kept a safe containing documents on hush-money payments and other damaging stories it killed as part of its cozy relationship with Donald Trump leading up to 2016 presidential election, people familiar with the arrangement told The Associated Press. [...]

The Trump records were stored alongside similar documents pertaining to other celebrities' catch-and-kill deals, in which exclusive rights to people's stories were bought with no intention of publishing to keep them out of the news. By keeping celebrities' embarrassing secrets, the company was able to ingratiate itself with them and ask for favors in return.

Oh that is nice! They would catch and kill the secrets of the rich and powerful, and because of that they had power over them! Jesus Christ ... Russia has kompromat on Trump's pecker ("allegedly" LOL), the National Enquirer had kompromat on Trump's pecker ... BRB gonna check under our couch cushions to see if we also have kompromat on Trump's pecker, because it is apparently this season's hottest item!

But then, "[f]earful that the documents might be used against AMI," as AP puts it, Pecker and Howard took all the Trump pecker stuff out of the official pecker protector (safe, we mean safe), and now Trump's pecker is completely unprotected by the pecker protector. AP reports that nobody knows whether they burned Trump's pecker secrets, or whether they just put them somewhere a little more protector-y, like maybe in the garage.

This is wild, because remember that Cohen tape? The one where Michael Cohen and Donald Trump were discussing buying back the rights to some of Trump's pecker secrets, just in case Trump's Pecker (David Pecker, that is) got thrown under Duncan Hunter's wife's bus? Well turns out there's a bunch of other Trump pecker secrets out there, just dangling around! (Unless they burned Trump's other pecker secrets.)

The point of this story is that the National Enquirer hasn't really been in the "journalism" business (THE FUCK YOU SAY!) but more in the in the catch and kill/leverage business. And Dylan Howard AKA Pecker's Little Helper, perhaps realizing they were all involved in a criminal enterprise, went ahead and moved Trump's pecker protector after the election, and maybe even ran over it with his car, OW OW OW OW OW STOP RUNNING OVER TRUMP'S PECKER PROTECTOR WITH YOUR 2004 NISSAN SENTRA, DYLAN.


Also, you should watch the "A" block from last night's Rachel Maddow, where she talks about the Enquirer's massive collusion with the Trump campaign, as they constantly published stories about how Hillary had wasted away to 95 pounds and also ballooned up to 475 pounds, and amid this rapid weight loss/gain she still had time to murder everybody and do child sex rings. Meanwhile, the Enquirer stories about Trump were about how he has the hottest pecker and just can't stop himself from saving the world. Oh, and one time AMI published a really weird glossy book about the NSFW sexxxiness of Saudi prince Mohammad bin Salman AKA "MBS" AKA "Jared's sleepover buddy," bet that one just flew off the shelves in Walmart, you betcha.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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