You guys, the Democrats are so fucking on message, and it is a sight to behold. As we've watched the first two days of the impeachment trial of Donald John Trump, we've noticed that, on top of how the Trump idiot lawyers are so outgunned and outmatched and big stupid idiot, the Democrats, led by Adam Schiff, are just brilliantly bringing the fight for witnesses and documents to the forefront every five minutes, so nobody will forget the cover-up the Republicans are trying to pull off.

"Don't you want to see that State Department cable John Bolton ordered Ambassador Bill Taylor to send? Wouldn't that be a cool document to get to read with your own eyeballs?"

Chuck Schumer and the Senate Democrats gave a presser this morning, and when Mazie Hirono wasn't making fun of Trump lawyer Pat Cipollone for saying Trump is a "man of his word" (she said she wrote in her notepad "what a wHoPpeR!!11!1"), Schumer and the others were blasting Trump's lawyers for how unprepared they are, and also too talking about witnesses and documents. Schumer noted that Democrats aren't even sure what the documents they are requesting say -- they could be totally exculpatory for the president! (He helpfully defined "exculpatory," we guess in case Trump was watching.)

Funny how Dems are willing to take that risk, yet Republicans are bedshitting terrified of it. It's almost like they know how guilty Trump is.

Republicans have been whining about how, despite how they are all paying really good attention, except for when they keep leaving the room for long stretches even though it is against the #rules, they are just not seeing anything new, waaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAH! (They are also whining that the Democrats say too many words.) Schumer -- or maybe it was another Senate Democrat, we forgot -- noted that if they are in the mood for #NewThings, he has this idea, and it is called subpoenas for witnesses and documents.

What a novel idea, for a trial!

In conclusion, Lindsey Graham says Adam Schiff is good at #talk:

Let us go forth and liveblog!


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1:05: And we begin! Mitch McConnell says today's schedule will be "similar to yesterday's," so LET'S HAVE A LONG DAY TOGETHER!

1:07: Today, we are going to learn about Article I and how that applies to why Congress should and must remove Trump from office. Adam Schiff says SORRY, you will hear some repetitions, but we are doing it in a new way. Schiff says the Dems will conclude their opening arguments tomorrow, then it will be the Trump lawyers' turn, then they will hear from witnesses and read documents IF THEY SUBPOENA THOSE, HE IS JUST SAYING, and then there will be a dance party and then there will be Taco Tuesday and then the Senate will have to decide what to so.

Jerry Nadler presenting for the Democrats now.

1:12: NADLER: Trump thinks he is king and nobody is allowed to hold him accountable and every other president who ever lived is rolling in their graves right now. If this isn't impeachable, nothing is impeachable.

1:15: Nadler with the reminder: If Trump had ANYTHING exculpatory to show us, he would be passing it out like party favors and everybody he ever met would be here testifying. And you would be voting for that.

1:20: Why must remove Trump from office right now? BECAUSE "STOP HIM BEFORE HE STEALS THE ELECTION MORE!"

1:22: Nadler notes that the framers realllllly didn't like corrupt kleptocrats and fake populist demagogues. Basically the framers based impeachment on Donald Trump, just like the character of Biff Tannen in Back To The Future was based on Donald Trump. The framers just happened to be very psychic about it!

1:26: Abuse of power. Betrayal. Corruption. These are all the "high crimes and misdemeanors" the framers' imagined. They are also the A, the B, and the C of "who is Donald Trump."

1:30: NADLER: Andrew Johnson was acquitted by one vote, but according to historians that one guy changed his vote at the very end because he was promised special favors by Johnson. Likewise, I am implying that your acquittal of Donald Trump would also be very #HistoryQuestionable, but I am not saying it because John Roberts will spank me for being "uncivility."

1:35: NADLER: It is screamingly obvious that "abuse of power" is an impeachable offense. Every impeachment witness testified that it is, including the GOP's guy Jonathan Turley. Even Alan Dershowitz back in the 1990s, regardless of what that loonfuck is saying now. Bill fucking Barr said 18 months ago that presidents can be impeached for abuses of power. I cannot even fucking believe we have to have this conversation right now.

1:39: NADLER: Nixon was wrong when he said if the president does it, it's not illegal, and Trump was wrong when he blabbermouthed about how he "has an Article II" that says he can do "whatever I want."

1:41: NADLER: Here are some letters from every framer who ever lived and their moms who Pony Expressed each other like all the time about how foreign interference in elections is pretty much the worst thing ever.

1:46: NADLER: And here are a bunch of framers and other experts talking about how presidents corruptly abusing their power for their own re-elections is specifically the worst thing ever. Again, the framers literally created impeachment for Donald Trump. It is literally the only thing worth putting his name on!

1:50: NADLER: LOL I am going to play a video of Lindsey Graham during the Clinton impeachment, where he says presidents don't have to actually commit a statutory crime, but just hurt people, in order to be impeached. Hi, Lindsey, hi! How are you doing sitting there watching video of your face right now? Do you need a nice glass of milk? You are allowed to have one!

1:53: NADLER: And here is some framers Pony Expressing each other about how they were worried presidents might abuse their pardon power to cover up their guilt, and this one framer was like "Don't worry, James Madison, it's OK, we can impeach that motherfucker!" Does any of this sound familiar?

1:58: NADLER: Hey, remember when you guys wanted to remove Bill Clinton over a blowie? Yes, sure, "perjury," we gotcha, but you really wanted to do it for the blowie. Is a blowie a high crime and misdemeanor? Plz tell us more about how very srs you are about how it has to be a real crime, to impeach a president.

2:02: NADLER: Impeach and remove is for the gravest of offenses. Trump did those. He has literally said out loud that he wants to do those more. None of this is complicated in any normal world.

2:04: And now Nadler is done and Sylvia Garcia will go chapter-and-verse through the ways Trump abused his power. Please refer to the handouts you received, senators!

Garcia says Trump directed the crime scheme for one main reason: to force Ukraine to meddle in the 2020 election to help him steal another one.

2:06: 1. Trump only gave a shit about the announcement of the investigations. Please refer to this Wonkette piece for more about that.

2. Gordon Sondland said Trump only cared about "the big things," like getting Ukraine to do his bidding to help his re-elect.

3. WTF has Rudy Giuliani been doing all this time?

4. Sylvia Garcia is going too fast!

5. Ukraine was not stupid and said multiple times that they knew Trump was trying to get them involved in US politics.

6. Trump ain't give a shit about "corruption."

7. We missed some!

Anyway, this was just Garcia's outline, she is going to 'splain more.

2:11: GARCIA: Trump asked Zelenskyy for Biden investigation based on "made-up theory" that "no one believed in." Idiots think Joe Biden got that corrupt Ukrainian prosecutor fired in order to somehow help his son Hunter, who sat on the board of a company called Burisma. Let me splain you what ACTUALLY happened! Many of you will be familiar with it, because you already knew what happened before you started believing made-up lies!

1. Viktor Shokin, the corrupt prosecutor, actually stopped investigating Burisma for corruption, and he was corrupt and ineffective. He covered up crimes. He was bad, and he should feel bad.

2. Biden called for Shokin's removal because he failed to go after corruption. Know who agreed with him? The EU, the IMF, all our allies, Santa Claus, and your mom. Oh yeah, and also the Senate, on a bipartisan basis. Many of you will remember this because YOU HAVE BEEN IN SENATE SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME. Even you, Ron Johnson, whose ass is completely eat up in this Ukraine scandal.

2:17: 3. Alllll the impeachment witnesses said the idiot conspiracy theory about Biden is idiot.

4. Getting Shokin out meant Burisma was more likely to be investigated.

5. This was 100 percent US foreign policy.

In short, the "entire premise" of the Biden investigation Trump asked for Zelenskyy asked for was, science term, bullshit.

2:25: And now Garcia is showing clips of impeachment witnesses all saying the investigation Trump wanted was bullshit and this entire conpsiracy theory is full of lies. We'd love to see Ron Johnson's dumb fuckface right now.

2:30: And yes, if you READ TEH GEAJR;JSDFKJAGASTRRIPCT, you see very clearly that Trump was demanding investigations into the Bidens, plural, and that he stood on the White House lawn in recent months and demanded it again.

Oh yeah, by the way, the corrupt prosecutor who came after the other prosecutor Biden removed, who once claimed bad things about the Bidens, ended up retracting those claims. This is all bullshit.

2:33: GARCIA: I wonder why Trump didn't care about this Biden stuff until Biden announced he was going to run for president, I wonder WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

2:35: GARCIA: Hey, I wonder if these polls are why Trump was so freaked out during this entire scheme about Joe Biden, I wonder!

2:37: And why would an announcement of investigations into the Bidens help Trump? Because that fuckin' loser is DESPERATE for a BUT HER EMAILS! for the 2020 election. He needs something to say is "worse than Watergate" that doesn't involve looking into a mirror.

2:39: GARCIA: Now let's look at the other investigation Trump demanded, some Russian propaganda batshit about how Ukraine helped Hillary Clinton steal the election from herself, in order to exonerate Russia. You think the Biden stuff is batshit? Listen up.

1. The entire intelligence community says the Ukraine stuff is batshit and Russia did it.

2. That's what Mueller found.

3. That's what the Republican-led Senate intelligence Committee found, HELLO REPUBLICANS ON THE SENATE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE!

4. Every impeachment witness said the Ukraine stuff is batshit and Russia did it.

Know who told Trump Ukraine did it? Putin.

Meanwhile Trump told Zelenskyy that a rich Ukrainian buried the (cloud) DNC server in their backyard. If that sounds bugfuckingstupid, it is!

2:45: Garcia is now going through all the receipts everybody has on how Russia attacked us (links above if you need). Oh hey, look, an interview with Trump's FBI director Chris Wray, where he says the Ukraine stuff is bullshit and Russia did it! Let's watch videos!

2:48: Garcia, re: Chris Wray interview: "You heard him."

And now she is going to go through the receipts for how Russia literally started this Ukraine conspriacy theory and mama-birded into Trump's dumbass throat.

2:50: GARCIA: Trump is literally aiding and comforting Russia by spreading this conpsiracy theory that was invented in the Kremlin.

Here, let us play you the video of Fiona Hill telling Devin Nunes to his face that his Ukraine conspiracy theories are fucking garbage Kremlin propaganda. Senators, you might want to watch this!

www.youtube.com

And why is Trump pushing this Kremlin propaganda? (Because he's a Russian asset and) it helps his re-election and gives legitimacy to his first illegitimate election!

Garcia now playing clip of former Trump adviser Tom Bossert saying how sick and fucking tired he is of Rudy Giuliani feeding this Russian propaganda shit into Trump's mouth.

2:55: Sylvia Garcia is bad at saying "Vladimir." She says it like "Vol-duh-meer."

Anyway, hey did you guys hear RUSSIA hacked Burisma? Because of how they are literally helping with Trump's crime scheme RIGHT NOW? And that Putin said a couple months ago that "thank God" nobody is accusing Russia attacking the American election anymore, and they're accusing Ukraine instead?

Good times.

2:58: That was just a really fucking good presentation. Adam Schiff is next, but first, break time!

3:09: Bad news, everyone, according to Nicolle Wallace on the television, Lindsey Graham was "conveniently out of the chamber" when they played video of Lindsey Graham contradicting Lindsey Graham and being a giant hypocrite earlier. Guess Lindsey Graham can't handle Lindsey Graham.

3:22: News from the chamber! Apparently the senators get a pamphlet that tells them what slides and videos are coming, so it's very possible Lindsey Graham ran out of the room and cried during the Lindsey Graham video on urpose.

Meanwhile, Garrett Haake reports on MSNBC that Rand Paul is drawing a picture of the Capitol for his refrigerator, and Marsha Blackburn is reading a book. We will assume she is reading a Twilight book.

3:27: And we are back! Adam Schiff wants everybody to know that he and the House managers don't take a position in the Democratic primary (they are all for John Delaney obv) but still, those Joe Biden poll numbers, can't you see how they made Trump shit his Depends, allegedly?

3:29: Schiff would like to spend some time clarifying that Trump's Kremlin conspiracy about Ukrainian interference is that UKRAINE hacked the DNC and UKRAINE stole the (cloud) DNC server and buried it in the backyard.

3:32: SCHIFF: Although we hear a lot about Rudy Giuliani filling Trump's head with bullshit, let's not get caught up believing Giuliani literally controls Trump. Trump controls Trump. And if Giuliani literally controls Trump, well then Trump is unfit for office for a whole new bucket o' reasons.

3:35: SCHIFF: Do you get it yet? Trump not only is spreading Kremlin propaganda, he withheld military aid from a country that is fighting Russia, BASED ON RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

3:38: Schiff says there are 10 REASONS how we know Trump only did this for corrupt reasons, and not for our national interest. Like a common Sylvia Garcia, he is going through them very fast, but basically it is that he tasked Rudy Giuliani with this and it was divergent from our actual foreign policy and outside normal channels and he only wanted the ANNOUNCEMENT of the investigations and didn't care about anything else and also they put the record of the call in the secret Bin Laden server that's supposed to be for state secrets.

Also other things.

Don't worry, Schiff is going to go through them, starting with the fact that Trump didn't care anything besides the ANNOUNCEMENT of the investigations. He needed that, preferably on CNN, which is exactly what Zelenskyy ended up planning, before Trump got caught.

3:43: Oh look, it is one of Lev Parnas's receipts, where he wrote on the hotel notepad the entire criminal conspiracy, part of which was to get Zelenskyy to ANNOUNCE investigations:

Parnas told Rachel Maddow he wrote that stuff while in Vienna, on the phone with Rudy Giuliani.

3:45: The second reason is because literally all of Trump's people who were impeachment witnesses said Trump didn't give a fuck about "corruption." He also doesn't give a fuck about Ukraine's war with Russia, except when he's taking Russia's side.

3:51: Schiff pointing out the obvious disparity of power between the president of the US and other foreign leaders, as if people don't know that, and listing off things real presidents used their phone calls to do. You don't have to like those former presidents, Schiff says, but you cannot deny that they were using their presidential telephone correctly.

Meanwhile, THIS fucker over here.

Schiff moves on to the third reason we know Trump was being a corrupt crimer, which is him getting Rudy Giuliani do all this dirty work for him.

To show this, here is Giuliani's letter to Zelenskyy from May, which came from Lev Parnas's receipts:

3:54: Reason number four! All the witnesses told Congress Trump's extracurricular activities were extracurricular and had nothing to do with the administration's stated foreign policy toward Ukraine, including Tim Morrison, the one the Republicans loved so much.

Schiff is going to play clips now.

3:58: Because we know it is coming, when Schiff gets to the part about how Trump went to outside channels to do his crimes, here is Fiona Hill talking about how Trump had Gordon Sondland and others on a "domestic political errand," which is different from what the actual foreign policy people were doing vis a vis Ukraine.

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4:11: Surprise, we are psychic! The fifth reason we know this was all about Trump's own selfish crimes is because it went outside the regular channels. That would be Rudy Giuliani and the Three Amigos (Sondland, Volcker, Perry) that were set up to do Trump's Ukraine crimes for him.

4:15: The sixth reason is because did you hear how everybody who witnessed this crime activity went directly to the lawyers, Col Vindman, Fiona Hill, Pence aide Jennifer Williams, even Tim Morrison? They all went to John Eisenberg, the NSC lawyer who really should be fucking testifying, John Bolton told Bill Taylor to send a cable to the White House lawyers about stuff, everybody was calling the lawyers!

You know, because they had just witnessed a crime.

4:18: Reason number seven! Because Ukrainian officials were constantly like "Um, we don't want to be a pawn in US politics." That is what a Ukrainian official, Sasha Danyliuk, said to Bill Taylor in the summer. They didn't want to be "dragged into this," as Schiff said. And didn't want to be our "pawn."

They also knew it was totally wrong to do the announcements on CNN, and they didn't want to be any part of it, but they felt they had to, because NO PRESSURE, OBVIOUSLY.

4:24: Reason number eight! Because they buried the record of the Ukraine "perfect call" on the Bin Laden server, oh just please read this Wonkette post, we cannot type it all right now.

Also they lied in the readouts (by omission) about what the entire phone call was about, which was Trump demanding investigations.

4:29: REASON NINE! Schiff says this is the clearest reason, and you always save the clearest reason for ninth.

It is that Trump literally told people of his corrupt intentions, like that time on the phone on July 26, when he was like "HEY GORDON GRUNT GRUNT GRUNT! HE GONNA DO 'VESTIGATIONS GRUNT GRUNT GRUNT? I TALK VERY LOUD BALLS AND THAT IS WHY DAVID HOLMES WILL BE ABLE TO TELL CONGRESS ABOUT THIS IN A FEW MONTHS GRUNT GRUNT GRUNT!"

Also Trump confessed, on the White House lawn. "If they were honest, they would start an investigation into the Bidens!"

4:34: And reason ten! It is Trump doesn't give a shit about corruption in Ukraine, we think he already did that one? Or maybe this is some other stuff.

Anyway, if anybody reading thinks Trump gives a shit about corruption besides supporting it when he or his dad Putin does it, you are the stupidest.

4:46: SCHIFF: What has Trump never ever talked to Zelenskyy on the phone about? Corruption.

4:50: And that is Schiff! Now it is Zoe Lofgren! She will talk about HOW Trump did his crimes.

1. By soliciting foreign interference.

2. By conditioning a White House meeting on announcements of investigations.

3. By holding aid, to extort them into announcing investigations.

Most importantly, she says correctly is NUMBER ONE. All the rest is gravy. Crime gravy!

4:53: And that scheme went FAR BEYOND a "perfect call." He directed Rudy Giuliani to get the announcements, he led a campaign against Marie Yovanovitch and fired her because she was in the way of the announcement investigations, he put together a crime channel of Three Amigos to get it done, and only when all those fuckers couldn't get it done, he started freelancing and held the aid and the White House visit.

4:57: One good thing is that Lofgren is pointing out just how much Rudy Giuliani blabbermouthed to the press about what he was doing in Ukraine and why he was going and what crimes he was doing for Trump, and Trump blabbermouthed about how much he talked to Rudy, and so forth. And she's going through Rudy's call records too!

5:02: And how do we know what Rudy was communicating with Trump about? Because every impeachment witness testified that you couldn't get near Ukraine without dealing with Rudy, it was all about Rudy, whenever Ukraine was mentioned, there was Rudy on the TV! That's what John Bolton said anyway. He also called Rudy a "hand grenade" that's gonna blow all of them to smithereens.

Zoe Lofgren says HEY IDEA, maybe you guys should call John Bolton!

5:05: Lofgren gonna do a timeline. It is short timeline!

APRIL 2019: Biden announces candidacy. Biden is beating Donald Trump on the bottom, in the polls.

APRIL 2019: Rudy tells New York Times he is going to Ukraine to get some Biden investigations. Doesn't want "Biden to get to election day without investigations."

Lofgren notes that Rudy tweets about Biden always and has literally directed Ukraine to do investigations, even on Twitter!

5:09: This is brutal. Lofgren now detailing all the times Rudy and his Chucklefucks Lev and Igor COULDN'T STOP meeting with disgraced corrupt former Ukrainian prosecutors, including Viktor Shokin, the one who Biden (and everybody else) got removed, who therefore holds a grudge against Biden for that. Lutsenko and Shokin (who Lev Parnas says hate each other) also had a grudge against Marie Yovanovitch, because she was standing in the way of their corruption. They were doing this way back in January.

And yes, Biden didn't announce until April, but everybody knew he was running.

5:14: Hey-O, time to talk about how John Solomon, the guy who laundered Rudy's corrupt lying shit into the media in America, is Not A Journalist!

5:16: Val Demings takes the baton after Lofgren finishes by playing a clip of Fox News laughing at Rudy Giuliani for spreading stupidass Crowdstrike conspiracy theories on the TV.

5:17: Ooh, Demings is going to talk about how what happened was Trump/Giuliani's plans got all fucked up when ZELENSKYY was elected. You see, before that, Trump had been hitting up President Petro Poroshenko with his crime scheme, with some success, for quite a while. All the polls predicted Zelenskyy would win, but that doesn't mean Trump wasn't still shocked, because he's an idiot.

All the things Trump got caught doing, all the crimces, came directly from the fact that Zelenskyy, a reformer, caught them off guard, by winning.

5:23: Look, more Lev receipts! An April text between Lev and Rudy, where Rudy told Lev Trump fired Marie Yovanovitch "again." Because of how, according to Lev, Trump kept trying to fire her, but his people would ignore/forget his orders and she wouldn't be fired.

The next night, she was spirited out of the country on the next plane over concerns for her "security."

5:26: And then here is Rudy the day Yovanovitch was fired, on Pravda sharing Ukraine conspiracy theories that were born in Russia.

5:34: Now, Demings is telling the story of how in May, after Ukraine blew him off, Rudy Giuliani came back and lied to Trump and said Zelenskyy was surrounded by Trump's ENEMIEZZZZZZZZZZ. They were mad because Zelenskyy wouldn't announce investigations, per Lev Parnas.

And now Demings moves into the whole phase around the Zelenskyy inauguration, which Trump may have kept Pence home from because he was pissed about the lack of investigation announcements.

5:38: And what were Gordon Sondland and the other actual diplomats supposed to do from May forward, to get a White House visit set up for Zelenskyy? "Talk to Rudy."

5:44: And when all that didn't work, Trump decided to withhold the Oval Office meeting (Zelenskyy still has not gotten) and hold Ukraine's aid (they still havent' gotten all of it), because Ukraine wouldn't meddle in the election on his behalf.

Val Demings is elegantly speaking about how elections should be decided by Americans, which would be great if Republicans believed that.

5:48: And now it is Hakeem Jeffries to tell a story of eating his donuts this morning and somebody got mad about the outrage that was a thing about #sports and everybody laughed about it, and now he is going to subpoena the Baseball Hall Of Fame, and then IMPEACH IT.

5:50: What is more American than baseball and aple pie, asks Jeffries? IT IS CONSTITUTION, OK?

Anyway, Jeffries is going to talk about Trump's second official act of abusing his power, which is the withholding of the Oval Office meeting from Zelenskyy.

5:52: Jeffries notes how important that Oval Office meeting was, how much Zelenskyy needed PUTIN TO SEE IT, and then plays Gordon Sondland saying OF COURSE it was a quid pro quo.

5:59: Jeffries plays Yovanovitch talking about how for Ukraine, the relationship with the US is the "single most important." And they are at war. With Russia. Which the American president is unnaturally and uncomfortably cozy with. And that White House meeting sends a signal to Putin and the world that the US has Ukraine's back.

That's what Trump was playing with to force Ukraine to meddle and help him cheat in the 2020 election.

6:03: You see, if the US has Ukraine's back, and Putin knows it, then Putin might not escalate his war against Ukraine, parts of which he invaded and started occupying in 2014. And if the US publicly pisses on Ukraine, Putin might do the opposite of that.

All the impeachment witnesses who are Ukraine experts -- which is pretty much all of them, we think? -- testified about this.

6:11: Hey, who did Trump meet with face-to-face while he was not meeting with Zelenskyy? Oh just Russia, who Hakeem Jeffries just referred to as our "enemy," thank you, we are tired of this "adversary" pussyfooting shit. It was at the G20.

And who did Trump meet with just recently in the Oval? Oh just the Russian foreign minister. Dunno if he leaked highly classified intel this time.

6:18: Jeffries plays clip of Zelenskyy sitting next to Trump at the UN and thanking him for his invitation the White House, and then, like a comedian (which he is!), saying he thinks Trump must have just forgotten to tell him the date. Everybody laughed!

And Trump, in his brain, was probably seething like "DO MUH BIDEN INVESTIGATION ANNOUNCEMENT! HELP ME CHEAT! I WILL LOSE ELECTION IF I DO NOT DO FOREIGN CHEATING!"

6:23: Hey, remember that time on July 10 Sondland and Bolton and Fiona Hill and Lt. Col. Vindman and others met with the Ukrainians and Sondland just blurted out a thing about how we'll get that White House meeting set up as soon as Ukraine gets on announcing these "energy sector" (code for Burisma, code for Biden) investigations? And then John Bolton got pissed off and stormed out?

That happened.

And dinner break! Read this fun post by Dok in the meantime: Bored Sixth-Graders Offer Tips To Help Republicans Behave Themselves At Impeachment Trial

www.youtube.com

Da da da da da da da REBECCA!

6:30: Hi it is me Rebecca again while Evan goes and does some Evan stuff, I am SAYING IT VERY LOUD FOR ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK.

So yeah, they're having dinner. Bloog at you soon!

6:50: Chuck Schumer is on the CNN with Wolf and Jake, and as much as we rag on him, a lot, for kind of sucking, a lot, it's nice to see him not rolling over this time. (I still personally would like to see Senate Majority Leader Warren if I don't get President Warren, but that's just me.) He points out that all the Republicans have to talk about are distractions: NANCY HAD PENS. It is true. Nancy had pens. Can't argue with "Nancy had pens," oh wait you can and Schumer is!

7:05: Marsha Marsha Marsha ...

I watched Vindman. Did you watch Vindman? That guy couldn't have ridiculed anybody if his life were at stake. Our Liz felt so protective of his earnest nerd self she was whatever the Jewish word for KEENING is in the chatcave.

Jesus hates it when you lie, Marsha. Oh and:

https://wonkettebazaar.com/products/wonkette-shot-glass-set?variant=31419076051023


7:15: We're back! John Roberts is in his seat to ignore GOP spitballs and fart-lighting. Hakeem Jeffries is back on the Oval Office meeting that Zelenskyy never did get. Oval Office meetings are only for Philippines dictator Duterte and I think Hungary fascist Viktor Orban and also whichever Russian minister who isn't even Putin, plus their photographers with all their fun and DEFINITELY NOT SPY equipment, decide to come over and shoot the shit.

Hey remember that time Sondland emailed NSC guy Tim Morrison to get an Oval Office meeting ... if he investigated "corruption"? Hakeem remembers.

Hey remember that time Sondland "coached" President Zelenskyy to use "key phrases" and "bend to President Trump's will" for the investigations? Hakeem remembers.

"Most impt is for Zelensky to tell he will help with investigations." Direct text from Sondland to Volker. Hakeem remembers!

Plus other emails that all same the same thing, investigations, investigations, investigations. Hakeem remembers! Does Rick Perry? Because he answered all those emails! And then he got the fuck out of Dodge riiiiiight as this all was about to break! Goverment service takes a lot out of you!

See, we already knew all this (well, this part, with the Sondland texts and emails) because we watched the House hearings. You know who didn't watch the House hearings? Like a single Republican. They bragged about it at the time!

Half an hour before Trump's call with Zelenskyy, Ambassador Volker got on the horn with Z's aide Yermak and reiterated for the millionth time that he better say he is investigating Burisma (code for Biden) in the call if he wants the Oval Office meeting that only fascists apparently can get.

Hey, what did Zelenskyy say on the phone call with Trump? "I want to assure you we will work on the investigation."

7:30: The corrupt quid pro quo was discussed in "texts, emails, phone calls, semaphore, smoke signals, pigeons, shoe-phone, WHATSAAAPS, lemon juice on paper you can only see if you heat it up." (Some of those Jeffries did not say.)

US diplomats in charge of implementing US policy for Ukraine testified understood that Giuliani had "de facto control" over US policy, which is just what you want from the president's personal lawyer, Great Uncle Drunksalot.

Volker email to his idiot colleagues: "Mentioned Z making a statement. Can we all get on the phone to make sure I advise Z correctly as to what he should be saying?" How do you think Zelenskyy likes the picture of Volker's hand up his ass? Do you think he thinks that makes him look GOOD to his people or THE OPPOSITE OF THAT? Sorry they made you a puppet, Z. :/

7:40: Oooh, on August 8, "-dash 1" at the White House called Giuliani five times in a row. Somebody wanted to know where his goddamn hamberder was!

Yermak and Volker go back and forth: How about we announce the investigation after we get a date for the meeting? How about no? Then Yermak sends a draft statement that does not include "Burisma" and "2016 election" (they tried so hard to stand up to this!), so who you gonna call?

GIULIANI! Giuliani insists on adding "Burisma" and "2016 election" so the statement can be "credible" instead of "bullshit" (it would have been bullshit). And they still don't do it! Until they finally agree to go on Fareed Zakaria and announce investigations but then Parnas and Fruman got arrested at the airport and that all stopped, if I am remembering right (I MIGHT NOT BE!). (I MIGHT BE CONFUSING IT WITH THE HANNITY HIT RUDY WAS GOING TO DO IN VIENNA! OR MAYBE IT WAS BOTH!) Anyway i am typing about that because Jeffries started talking about Reagan at the Berlin Wall and YOU KNOW I AIN'T LISTENING TO THAT SHIT.

7:50: SYLVIA BACK! I THOUGHT SHE WAS ZOE. (Her name was RIGHT THERE, NOT EVEN COVERED WITH CHYRONS.) She gonna review some career public servants' testimony about QUID PRO QUO, THIS FOR THAT, which is like the D's little rap refrain. It's catchy!

Clips of Hill and Vindman RIDICULING the Great United States Of America, Which Is Great Again, by saying, "they said there had to be an investigation" and "I said the request for investigations into the Bidens, Burisma, and 2016 was inappropriate and had nothing to do with national security policy."

Hill says she cut off Sondland saying he had a deal for investigations into Burisma, because she had seen Giuliani burning up the tube bragging about Burisma equals Biden. Don't start no shit with Fiona Hill, won't be no shit.

8:03: EVAN BACK!

Sorry, we don't have a YouTube to share at you to announce our impending arrival. Just this .gif.

8:13: We are trying to catch up with the outline Garcia is following, but alls we know so far is she is reiterating that Ukraine knew what Trump was demanding, especially in the latter days, was WRONG WRONG WRONG.

8:15: Oh good, Garcia is doing a sum-up.

1. Trump abused his power to try to get Ukraine to help steal him an(other) election.

2. He conditioned this on AID and WHITE HOUSE MEETING, which had zero to do with executing our foreign policy.

3. He got Rudy Giuliani to work with actual literal US officials to do Trump's crimes for him.

4. Trump would not help Ukraine defend against Russia, which was against our own national security interests, unless they would give him his precious fucking investigation announcement.

We are hearing this for the first time (we mean from Sylvia Garcia in this hour), because we were at personal trainer getting RIPPPPPPPPED.

8:18: GARCIA: Is this abuse of power? If not why not SHOW YOUR WORK, LINDSEY.

8:30: Oh by the way we are on a "five-minute break." It has been longer than five minutes.

8:39: And Val Demings is on! She will focus on Trump's third Official Act as part of his crime scheme, the hold on the aid. Remember that according to Lev Parnas, this was kind of Trump freelancing because he was pissed he hadn't gotten what he wanted yet. Oh yeah, and it was an official definite literal actual crime.

8:43: DEMINGS: Hey, Senate, do you remember how long we have been defending Ukraine? SINCE THE FUCKING SOVIET UNION FELL!

But shit got real when Ukraine drove out its pro-Putin president Yanukovych and kicked him in the face, to which Russia responded by invading and stealing Crimea and commencing to murder Ukrainians in 2014. By all appearances, Trump thinks that was just great.

8:49: Meanwhile:

Great, just Tucker Carlson and a guy who appears to have participated in Trump's Ukraine crimes shitting on a Purple Heart, just like that fuckface Marsha Blackburn was doing above.

8:53: Good reminder that has come up several times this week! Defense and State had certified that Ukraine was complying with all the things it was supposed to do corruption-wise to get the aid.

Anyway, now we move on to Zoe Lofgren.

8:57: June 8: A press release says "HEY UKRAINE, HERE COMES YOUR MONEY!"

June 19: Trump suddenly decides NUH HUH!

Sounds like Trump saw the press release and got mad and came up with the idea all on his own during a poop. Lofgren notes that Trump did an interview with Hannity right about then where he spewed Russian propaganda about the secret server buried in the backyard in Ukraine.

9:00: LOFGREN: Did something change in Ukraine between the sign-off on the aid and Trump deciding to hold it? Well, an actual corruption reformer got elected and inaugurated as president, so we can see how that might have been a problem for President Crime Spree.

9:03: LOFGREN: Man wouldn't it be so nice if we knew what those OMB dicks knew about the Ukraine hold? It's almost like SUBPOENA THE MOTHERFUCKERS ALREADY!

9:07: LOFGREN: Hey remember how literally every impeachment witnesses described how they were like "THE FUCK? THAT IS CRIME" when they found out about the hold? All of them!

9:11: Of course, this was also a huge deal, because holding up the aid REALLY told Putin whose side Trump was on here (Putin's side).

9:15: KEY POINT, says Zoe Lofgren. It wasn't just that he did the hold while everybody was trying to get him to release the hold, against his advisors and against what Congress had appropriated. HE DID A CRIME CRIME CRIME CRIME CRIME CRIME CRIME.

Because of how he is a criminal.

9:23: Lofgren is going through the tick-tock of what happened as August rolled on, as they started getting messages that even if Trump released the money THAT DAY, they already wouldn't be able to spend the money that was appropriated. And Trump just continued to crime!

Congress had to act and roll that money over to next year, and oh yeah, Trump finally lifted the aid when he got caught.

9:26: So why Trump keep criming? Oh that was because he was so desperate to get Ukraine to help him steal an election he didn't care if he was criming. UKRAINE/RUSSIA/MALDIVES/MARSHALL ISLANDS IF YOU'RE LISTENING!

9:28: And now we flip over to Jason Crow, who starts by saying how do we know this is what Trump did and why?

Well, they haven't offered a competing explanation! And everybody in the know confirmed it! And there have been no actual credible reasons for why Trump released the hold besides "got caught." (And no, Jim Jordan screaming that Trump got excited because Ukraine's parliament passed an anti-corruption package is not "credible.")

Also Mick Mulvaney admitted it! GET OVER IT!

9:38: CROW: Hey remember how all the impeachment witnesses were like "the embassy knew about the demand for investigations a hundred years ago?" Here, let us look at video!

And let us look at video that shows Mike Pompeo knew about it! And Mike Pence knew about it!

EVERYBODY WAS IN THE LOOP.

9:40: Wouldn't it be cool if we SUBPOENAED MIKE POMPEO?

Wouldn't it be neat if we got Mike Pence to stand facing 180 degrees away from Congress and showed him a picture of a booby and he turned around and Forrest Gumped so fast he ran directly into this Senate chamber and started confessing?

9:44: Hey remember Bill Taylor texted Sondland like "no rly, we are saying they don't get military aid if they don't announce Biden investigations" and Gordon Sondland was like STOP SAYING OUR CRIMES ON TEXT, YOU GOODY GOODY?

Just a reminder.

9:46: And Crow circles back to the very simple fact that if Trump wanted more than a PR announcement from Ukraine, if he wanted real investigations, he wouldn't want the announcement, because you don't announce investigations. That's what makes people Paul Manafort away their evidence. ("Paul Manafort" is a verb that means "delete and burn and get rid of the DNA." Allegedly.)

CROW: Hey you guys have kids? You know that thing where you hear a big crash in the next room and you walk in there and your kid is swinging the cat around by its tail and stepping on cracks and breaking its mother's back and committing all kinds of other kid-crimes and the second your kid sees you they say "NO QUID PRO QUO"?

Typical kids.

Typical Donald Trump.

9:50: Meanwhile:

9:55: Here is a good Wonkette post for your reference related to what they are talking about right now: Gordon Sondland SUDDENLY REMEMBERS Quid Pro Quo He Personally Delivered To Ukraine

"NO QUID PRO QUO!" is basically the Trump version of a closeted homophobe saying "NO HOMO!" and then proceeded to describe how they are getting fucked in the butt right now by so many guys.

9:58: Meanwhile:

Hey, remember when Bill Taylor said the biggest thing he was freaked about was that the "nightmare was that [Ukraine gives] the interview" announcing investigations and then doesn't get the aid still? Said he would quit.

10:06: OK, Jason Crow, we think, has proven there was a quid pro quo. He turns it over to Adam Schiff so Schiff can talk for 72 hours about the story of his entire life, you know, because it is late.

Of course, he's going to paraphrase it all, fuckin' paraphraser.

10:08: This is the part where we remind you that Wonkette is fully funded by YOU, and that if you love us sitting here for 10 hours and liveblogging impeachment hearings and making them more bearable, then please hit the buttons below to support Wonkette with your DOLLARS.

10:11: Schiff is focusing on the part of the READ TEH TRANSDF;AJFGUJIOUETRJA;SDFGRT where Trump bitches, early on, that America has been very good to Ukraine, but not Ukraine to America so much. Because Trump, dumbshit megalomaniac that he is, thinks Ukraine owes him something, which it does not.

So he starts from the beginning on the "perfect call" by framing it as Ukraine owing us something. And then he demands election reacharounds so he can cheat in 2020.

10:15: Schiff also focusing on the part of the transcript where Trump told Zelenskyy, the president of Ukraine, to "talk to Rudy" and also to talk to ... Bill Barr? We wrote about that part when we wrote about READ TEH JAK;SJDKFJAKSJDFIOPAETSADFJDSJFKJSD!

10:17: SCHIFF: Hey remember when the Justice Department told the acting DNI to literally break the law and not give the whistleblower complaint about all this to Congress? That happened. Seems like AGES ago, doesn't it!'

10:22: SCHIFF: Here's a good part of the transcript! Where Zelenskyy thanks Trump for the invite to Washington and immediately reassures Trump he's going to take the investigations VERY SERIOUSLY because he fuckin' knew what the extortion deal was.

10:24: Schiff with a good point: If Trump hadn't gotten caught, Ukraine probably still wouldn't have the aid.

10:26: SCHIFF: Why would anybody in their RIGHT MIND believe Rudy Giuliani over Christopher Wray?

Because Trump not in right mind?

10:29: Any Republican listening to this Schiff speech who isn't currently hanging their head in shame ...

10:32: Whew.

"Right matters. The truth matters. And if it doesn't, we're lost."

Now watch the GOP not give a fuck, because it's no longer an American political party and never should be treated as such.

Good night!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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