Weakling GOP House Candidate Can't Even Kill Cardboard Rhinoceros

2022 midterms

Mike Collins is one of several Republicans (and two Democrats!) currently running to represent Georgia's 10th District, succeeding Rep. Jody Hice, who's giving up his seat to run against Brad Raffensperger for Georgia secretary of State. This morning, Collins released a two-minute long video in which he viciously attacks a number of paper products and lists his various qualifications for office, in what appears to be the font for R.L. Stine's Fear Street books.

You'll laugh, you'll cry, it will become a part of you.



The video starts with Collins walking through the forest, armed to the teeth and pushing a wheelbarrow. What is in the wheelbarrow?

NANCY PELOSI'S PLAN FOR AMERICA! is in the wheelbarrow.

But suddenly, the wheelbarrow is gone, and Collins is just carrying Nancy's nefarious plans in a large cardboard box through the forest, as her ghost haunts him, saying all kinds of mean things about Donald Trump.

We see Collins again, pointing his gun at a large pile of papers we can assume are also NANCY PELOSI'S PLAN FOR AMERICA.

He shoots! Pieces of paper fly all around the forest! And then he turns to us and poignantly slurs, "I'm going to Washington to stop the Pelosi agenda, and you're not gonna silence me."

Leaving his mess and his wheelbarrow behind, Collins climbs into a big, red and cargo-free semi trailer we can assume he drives everywhere like it is a regular car, so people know that he is a "trucker."

"Conservatives have gotten steamrolled thanks to spineless politicians for far too long, and it's time to fight back," he says as he drives directly into a large CGI stone wall reading "THE SWAMP," because that's just good driving.

"And if you think I'm just going to fight the Democrats, think again," he says. "Because in the swamp, it's RINO season too!"

Then he takes out his big gun, the same one he used to blow up all Nancy Pelosi's prized sheets of paper in the middle of the forest, and shoots a cardboard cutout of a rhinoceros that has come up beside his vehicle. Despite being only about three feet away (not very sporting), the cardboard rhino survives the blast, remaining upright and unfazed.

After leaving the forest, Collins notes that while both Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden have served for many years in government, he is a real outsider. And a trucker.

Collins neglects to mention the 16 years his own father, Mac Collins, was in government -- four years in the Georgia state senate, 12 years in the US House of Representatives where he was, for a time, Republican deputy whip. He also doesn't mention that this very same dad of his started the trucking company that he and his brothers now own. Which is a little bit different from being an regular old truck driver.

The rest of it is your standard boilerplate Republican campaign ad, your typical nonsense about the founding fathers, free market economy, personal responsibility, limited government, boy do I hate immigrants and love Donald Trump, etc. The only other unique part is where he literally says "I'm not going to D.C. to make friends," like a contestant on "The Bachelorette."

To be fair, the two Democratic candidates hoping to represent Georgia's 10th congressional district, Phyllis Hatcher and Kimberly Clark Reuter, would be much more likely to make friends, since they at least seem like nice people and decent human beings who are not going around trying to murder cardboard endangered species.

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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