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Wonkette's Top Ten Is BACK IN ACTION!

Wonkebago
You guys should be friends with our friends Jon and Deb too

I told Evan to go ahead and skip the Top Ten, and I would write it at ya, to thank you for sending me to #Mexico and give you baby pictures of #Mexico, and you know what that bitch did? He started the post anyway and put all the links in it, like some kind of common helpful DOK. He either would like a raise, or to ensure that ONLY HIS POSTS WERE ADDED BY "BEYONCE."

Let's learn, together, about what happened this week while mama did vacation like a common Michelle Obama, spending all the GRRR TAXPAYER MONEY all la-di-da, going to Spain to see the king!


10. WTF Is Happening In Georgia? A Lawsplainer Of All The Courts Kicking Brian Kemp In The Jimmies Right Now. Did Brian Kemp get kicked in the jimmies? Is Stacey Abrams Madam Hotness now? Can somebody read this and tell me what happened? Aw shit, NOPE.

9. CNN: Give Jim Acosta Back His Press Pass Or HE WILL KILL AGAIN. This one I know about. They sued Trump, Trump lost, Trump declared FLAWLESS VICTORY.

8. Trump's Matt Whitaker Appointment Turning Into ClownF*ck Of 'Jacob Wohl' Proportions. You heard about this fucking guy? I was in #Mexico, and I still heard about this fucking guy. Does this post have anything about the big-dickin' toilet? Because all the posts should really have something about the toilet for dicks.

7. Trump White House So Mad Everybody Thinks Matthew Whitaker Is Dumb Unqualified Meathead Dickbrain. This one should have it too, I don't know, I was on vacation. Have you been on a vacation lately? I recommend them A LOT.

6. Wisconsin School's Nazi Prom Photo Sure To Go Over Well With College Admission Boards. Kids heil the darnedest things!

5. Here Is Your Bloody Kurt Vonnegut Again, For The Centenary Of The Armistice. I didn't read this, but several people sent us money for posting it, so it's probably really good. You should read it, and then if you want you should send us money.

4. Florida Recount Happening, Andrew Gillum Unconcedes. Hooray! :(

3. Fox News Can't Believe Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Won't Sell Clothes She Doesn't Own To Pay DC Rent. The number of gross old white men who can't WAIT to police AOC and her body is somewhat disconcerting!

2. Sean Hannity Cannot Believe Michelle Obama Would Be So Crass As To Bring Up Trump's Birtherism. I feel like I know what this post is about just from the headline. WE ARE SERVICEY.

1. The Top 6 Signs Robert Mueller Is About To Indict The Sh*tfire Outta Some Folks, According To #Science. My friend Deb was reading this one while I was on vacation at her house in #Mexico and she was laughing and laughing, so it's probably good.

BOOM, I HELPED.

Now, if you didn't see it before, buy our KAMALA 2020 T-shirts, designed by my husband, hand-machine-transferred by me, and packaged up and sent to you by my son and daughter-in-law, so there SHOULD be a lot fewer messed-up orders than when I was fulfilling them, my goodness I am bad at things!


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Now, as promised, here is our bebe Mexicana, doing bebe Mexicana things, like eating ceviche and drinking pina coladas (wait, that was me) and mostly never getting the hell out of the pool. I would like to personally thank you for helping us pay our writers and ourselves a living wage and also vacation, we fucking needed it and now I WON'T DIE.

Gracias, te amos, adios!

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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