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Wonkette's Top Ten Is BACK IN ACTION!

Wonkebago
You guys should be friends with our friends Jon and Deb too

I told Evan to go ahead and skip the Top Ten, and I would write it at ya, to thank you for sending me to #Mexico and give you baby pictures of #Mexico, and you know what that bitch did? He started the post anyway and put all the links in it, like some kind of common helpful DOK. He either would like a raise, or to ensure that ONLY HIS POSTS WERE ADDED BY "BEYONCE."

Let's learn, together, about what happened this week while mama did vacation like a common Michelle Obama, spending all the GRRR TAXPAYER MONEY all la-di-da, going to Spain to see the king!


10. WTF Is Happening In Georgia? A Lawsplainer Of All The Courts Kicking Brian Kemp In The Jimmies Right Now. Did Brian Kemp get kicked in the jimmies? Is Stacey Abrams Madam Hotness now? Can somebody read this and tell me what happened? Aw shit, NOPE.

9. CNN: Give Jim Acosta Back His Press Pass Or HE WILL KILL AGAIN. This one I know about. They sued Trump, Trump lost, Trump declared FLAWLESS VICTORY.

8. Trump's Matt Whitaker Appointment Turning Into ClownF*ck Of 'Jacob Wohl' Proportions. You heard about this fucking guy? I was in #Mexico, and I still heard about this fucking guy. Does this post have anything about the big-dickin' toilet? Because all the posts should really have something about the toilet for dicks.

7. Trump White House So Mad Everybody Thinks Matthew Whitaker Is Dumb Unqualified Meathead Dickbrain. This one should have it too, I don't know, I was on vacation. Have you been on a vacation lately? I recommend them A LOT.

6. Wisconsin School's Nazi Prom Photo Sure To Go Over Well With College Admission Boards. Kids heil the darnedest things!

5. Here Is Your Bloody Kurt Vonnegut Again, For The Centenary Of The Armistice. I didn't read this, but several people sent us money for posting it, so it's probably really good. You should read it, and then if you want you should send us money.

4. Florida Recount Happening, Andrew Gillum Unconcedes. Hooray! :(

3. Fox News Can't Believe Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Won't Sell Clothes She Doesn't Own To Pay DC Rent. The number of gross old white men who can't WAIT to police AOC and her body is somewhat disconcerting!

2. Sean Hannity Cannot Believe Michelle Obama Would Be So Crass As To Bring Up Trump's Birtherism. I feel like I know what this post is about just from the headline. WE ARE SERVICEY.

1. The Top 6 Signs Robert Mueller Is About To Indict The Sh*tfire Outta Some Folks, According To #Science. My friend Deb was reading this one while I was on vacation at her house in #Mexico and she was laughing and laughing, so it's probably good.

BOOM, I HELPED.

Now, if you didn't see it before, buy our KAMALA 2020 T-shirts, designed by my husband, hand-machine-transferred by me, and packaged up and sent to you by my son and daughter-in-law, so there SHOULD be a lot fewer messed-up orders than when I was fulfilling them, my goodness I am bad at things!


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Now, as promised, here is our bebe Mexicana, doing bebe Mexicana things, like eating ceviche and drinking pina coladas (wait, that was me) and mostly never getting the hell out of the pool. I would like to personally thank you for helping us pay our writers and ourselves a living wage and also vacation, we fucking needed it and now I WON'T DIE.

Gracias, te amos, adios!

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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