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Weekly Top Ten

Wonkette's Weekly Top Ten Hurt Ted Cruz's Balls, OW!

It's very sad.

Willkommen, bienvenue, BUENAS DIAS. Remember when I told you yesterday that I was taking a week off? Well, due to the vagaries of the space-time continuum and also the "schedule posts" button, it is still Friday somewhere in the world. But HELL YEAH we're on our way to Mexico. Or will be. Perhaps!

Now it is time to count down the Wonkette stories you loved the most this week, as determined by Yang Gang. BUT FIRST!

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Weekly Top Ten

Your Weekly Top Ten Is A 15-YEAR-OLD DOG NOW!

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

We are tired, so we don't want to talk about the news. We want to tell you about #dog, who is 15 years old this month. All Friday, she lied to us right through her dog teeth, trying desperately to convince us she had not been fed that day. She had been fed. But no, she was all up in our shit the whole day, and when we'd pay attention to her, she'd stare at the cabinet where the food lives, with this forlorn look on her face.

While wagging her tail.

Because she knew what she was doing. Our point is that our 15-year-old dog is doing pretty well.

Anyway, before we count down the top 10 stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! If you like presents, you could do our Patreon! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent.

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare baubles and candidate-specific apparel? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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News

Your Weekly Top Ten Is Running Late, Let's Make This Fast

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

OH HEY WE ARE TIRED NO TIME TO CHIT-CHAT, BYE.

Before we count down the top 10 stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! If you like presents, you could do our Patreon! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent.

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare baubles and candidate-specific apparel? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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Weekly Top Ten

Wonkette's Top Ten Liveblew Itself!

How rude!

Come ye, come ye, gather round and witness the marvels of Wonkette's Weekly Top 10, as chosen by "reading."

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News

Wonkette's Weekly Top 10? YUP, IMPEACH!

Come read your top 10 stories RIGHT NOW!

Hola hola! We are all in our places with bright shiny faces, and we are EARLY! Because at 10, Jay Sekulow is going to come out and do his surely incredibly well-prepared, and knowledgeable, and not lying rebuttal to the Democrats, who are terrible, we know because one of those disinformation guys said so:

LOL is right! Anyway, join me and Liz and possibly some WEEKEND EVAN! Could it be? Eh, maybe. In the meantime, ladies and gentlemen, it is this week's WINNERS of "people read it."

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Weekly Top Ten

Your Weekly Top Ten Is BEJEWELED!

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

Hey y'all, impeachment trial starts next week, gonna get this out of the way as fast as possible.

Before we count down the top 10 stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! If you like presents, you could do our Patreon! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent.

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare baubles and candidate-specific apparel? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, IMPEACHMENT GEAR, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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Weekly Top Ten

Your Weekly Top Ten Is Probably Clickbait

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

Top 10! We got anything to say at you? No.

Before we count down the top 10 stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! If you like presents, you could do our Patreon! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent.

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare baubles and candidate-specific apparel? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, IMPEACHMENT GEAR, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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Weekly Top Ten

Wonkette's Weekly Top Ten Is Making Women Great Again!

Hooboy.

Achtung! Oyez! It's the first Top Ten of the new year! Will things be DIFFERENT, or will things be THE SAME? Let's find out, together!

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News

Your Weekly Top Ten Had A Silent Night!

Just kidding, that didn't happen.

Good morning Wonkers! I was supposed to write the Top Ten yesterday and then I forgot and then I woke up at 6:30 and nobody was at work and I said OH LORD IT IS SATURDAY and then I was going back to bed and then I remembered I still hadn't done Top Ten! And that is why you stick around, to be amazed by epic stories like that one!

Would you like to know what your most-read stories were this week? You WOULD? I would like to tell you them!

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Your Weekly Top Ten Got IMPEACHMENT For Christmas!

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

WE DID IT! Christmas is on Tuesday! Last top 10 post of the year, probably, except for the one we write for New Years, of the top 10 of THE WHOLE YEAR! [Evan forgot the tyranny of the clock and calendar; HE might not be working next week, who can say, but SOMEBODY will be, and that somebody is probably ME!] Anyway, the fight is obviously not over yet -- hardly -- but let's celebrate #GoodThings. Also we have a bunch of pics of the Wonkette first family doing #Christmas.

Before we count down the top 10 stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! If you like presents, you could do our Patreon! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent.

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare finds for your HOLIDAY SHOPPING for the people you just realized you forgot to holiday shop for and it will get there right after Christmas, it's cool? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, IMPEACHMENT GEAR, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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News

Your Weekly Top Ten Is ... Oh Who Knows Anymore

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

We have nothing left to say after this week except ...

Before we count down the top ten stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent.

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare finds for your HOLIDAY SHOPPING? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, IMPEACHMENT GEAR, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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News

Your Weekly Top Ten's Wonkette Toddler Picture Isn't Sideways, YOU ARE SIDEWAYS

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

LOOK, IT IS A NEW WONKETTE TODDLER PRESSURE LION OF CUTENESS FOR YOUR TOP TEN POST. That is the type of thing that encourages you to give us donations. And yes, it is sideways and yes we could fix it but also yes, we don't feel like it because yes, we have shit to do because yes we write this on Friday afternoons and yes that means there's an alcoholic beverage burning a hole in our refrigerator.

Anyway!

Before we count down the top ten stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent, especially because of the pic of Wonkette toddler right there doing PRESSURE LION.

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare finds? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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News

Wonkette's Weekly Top 10 Is DEAD OF LIVEBLOG!

You dead? Us too!

Good morning, sunshines! Did you wake up dead today? We are zombie twins! What a year we had this week, eh what? Okay, that's enough. I gave Evan the top 10 off, because of how I am the nicest, so here's your fucking stories.

10 WTF With Impeachment This Week And Like Such As? Let Us 'Splain You Easy! This one was about impeachment, and WTF with it.

9 What's White House Press Sec Stephanie Grisham Lying About Today? Hic!

8 Fox Viewers Confused, Panicked As Fox Briefly Does Yovanovitch Hearing 'News'. Don't remember.

7 Nate Silver Unclear As To Why Democrats Are Acting Like Their Ideas Are Good Or Something. This was a good one by Robyn!

6 Man Deballed By Nancy Pelosi Very Sad He Now Got No Balls. This was a good one by I think Jamie? Yes, Jamie!

5 Not All Witnesses Are Heroes. (Afternoon Impeachment Day Three Liveblog!) This is the one about the witness who is not a hero.

4 Let's Watch Republicans Sh*t On A Guy With A Purple Heart! (Impeachment Liveblog, Day Three!) Quick, someone give him a Purple Heart band-aid.

3 Masha, Masha, Masha! Yovanovitch, That Is. (Impeachment Liveblog, Day Two!) This one is about Masha Masha Masha, Yovanovitch.

2 Fiona Hill 'Bout To F*ck Devin Nunes UP. Impeachment Liveblog, Day Five! AND SHE DID.

1 THE GORDON PROBLEM. Impeachment Liveblog, Day Four! LOL GORDOOOONNNNN!

and a bonus mention to me at number 12 with WHO IS READY FOR A DEMOCRATIC DEBATE IT IS ALLLL OF USSSSS! because if I had to liveblog hours 13-15 of Wednesday, you have to read it.

My mom said it was HILARIOUS. There you go, those are very good stories, even mine.

Remember, Wonkette is SOLELY FUNDED by YOU. A whole bunch more of you kicked in this month after I cried and wept and tore my hair and Jewish mamaed you, so thank you! Now the other 98.5 percent of you, I'm STILL WAITING! Let's make Wonkette the fattest, grossest, richest blog in THE WORLD! Or at least make it so I can pay everyone with money, in addition to the love. If you can make it "recurring," that is even #BeBest.

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Thank you! You're welcome! Bye-bye!

And since you couldn't see it up top because "dumb template," here is THE BRILLIANT ARTS!


News

How You Like Your Weekly Top Ten's Homemade Mullet?

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

Hey, TOP TEN!

We have been informed that Wonkette toddler cut her own hair this week and opted for a business in the front, party in the back approach. Then Editrix Rebecca fixed it for her. WHO CUT THE MULLET BETTER? Vote in the comments!

Before we count down the top ten stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent, especially because of the pic of Wonkette toddler right there doing Halloween things like a SPOOKY BUNNY RAWR.

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare finds? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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News

Your Weekly Top Ten Is This SPOOKY HALLOWEEN BUNNY RAWR!

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

Nothing to say right now, we are too tired from yet another week of hell.

Anyway, TOP TEN!

Before we count down the top ten stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent, especially because of the pic of Wonkette toddler right there doing Halloween things like a SPOOKY BUNNY RAWR.

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare finds? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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News

Your Weekly Top Ten Just Waiting For A Butt-Dial From Rudy Giuliani

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

Y'all hear about that shit? What a fuckin' idiot.

Anyway, TOP TEN!

Before we count down the top ten stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent, especially because of the pic of Wonkette toddler who has marked up her face like a ferocious tiger, RAWR that was last week Evan, she has drawn a picture of the editrix as a spider in a Halloween costume, but you can't see the bottom where the Halloween costume spider legs are. [Dammit, I copy/pasted the wrong thing and now they know my METHODS! -- Evan]

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare finds? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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