NO IT ISN'T YOU SHUT UP.
Good morning, bienvenue, wallcome to your Saturday morning Wonkette's Top 10! We are up early and hurrying through Top 10 because TODAY we are driving the 50 miles to TOWN to go to a GARAGE SALE! Is it not the most exciting thing you have heard yet this morning? It is for the girls! I am in the market for colored glass jars. Did you know I used to be a nightlife columnist, with bars and concerts and rock stars and clubs and restaurants and my tits on a plate? (That is what we called my pushup bra. It was magenta.) Anyway, colored glass jars, maybe another set of canisters for flour and ... barley? Sure, barley. Fucking middle age, dude. Ha ... ha?
10. The Right's Latest Assault On Pizza: Trump 'Accidentally' Sanctioned Random Italian Restaurant. Robyn has given this a lot of thought over a lot of years. And they're doing it again.
9. America-Hating Republicans Cancel Baseball For Loving Voting Rights Too Much. You know, how they do.
8. Eric Trump's Wedding Planner Earns Four-Year Ban From 'Government' 'Service,' Like She Cares About Either. Yeah, you remember her. Barely.
7. Jordan Peterson: If The Red Skull Fits! Michael came to do a special non-Monday shows nerd post, and you liked it!
6. It's Easter! Now, Stay Home Until Everyone's Vaccinated. YES SIR SER you said.
5. Sounds Like Matt Gaetz's Buddy Joel Greenberg 'Bout To FLIIIIIIIIIIIIP! That guy, my fucking god.
4. Matt Gaetz Is Not A Criminal Sex Monk, OK? That guy, my fucking god.
3. Jen Psaki's Got Your 'Tone' Right Here, Buddy. Jen Psaki is Be Best.
2. Amazon Admits Pee Bottles Are A Thing, Not Denying Union-Busting Either. And yet they still won their union election yesterday. FOR NOW.
1. John Boehner Reflects On Congress, Tradition, Bottomless Assholery Of Ted Cruz. Did you listen to the audio? That man DRONK.
And there you have it, this week's top 10! Now after you give us money with this widget
or join our Patreon or buy mugs from the Wonkette Bazaar (haha Jimmy got a job at Safeway and it does NOT pay $25 an hour and I have RUINT him for all other work!) or do a venmo at I don't know my venmo handle, try searching Rebecca Schoenkopf? or did you know you could even give us money via Facebook? Well after you have done ONE EACH OF THOSE THINGS, you may have two more pictures because that's what I have this week:
Future nightlife columnist, obviously.
You come read your top 10 stories right now!
Good morning and happy Holy Saturday to you! What are you all doing for Holy Saturday? Something with cats? No shit. Okay, enough chit chat, time for Top 10!
10. Coca-Cola Doesn't Care About Your Voting Rights, They Care About Money. I think what SER is trying to say is that Coca-Cola doesn't care about your voting rights, they care about money.
9. Chief Trump Immigration Nazi Starts ACLU, The MAGA Version. From context clues, I am garnering that this is Stephen Miller, wait is that even his name? Oh my god, they are fading fading fading from my memory.
8. Trump Stumbles Into Wedding, Gives Incoherent Toast To Himself. That's a thing he did, I heard about it.
7. Oh Boy, We Need To Talk About This GRINCH Act, Because It Is ... Well, It's Something. Day 26 of Seussgate was Monday apparently, and I didn't even get you anything, I just feel awful about it.
6. Pillow Grifter Timeline Update: Trump Will Now Be President In August. Guessing this is about the Pillow Grifter and when he thinks Trump will be president again.
5. Poppy Gaetz Weighs In On Alleged Dickstortion Plot Against Idiot Son. Self-explanatory.
4. Coke, Delta Look At PISSED OFF Georgians, Get Some OId-Time Voting Rights Religion. Didn't Liz read that Coca-Cola doesn't care about your voting rights, they care about money? Oh, she did? Okay.
2. Politico Saw Connor And Ashley Making Out After Third Period. I don't even remember what this is about, and I was here.
1. Conservatives Cancel Shampoo, Take Bold Stand Against Letting Trans Kids Wash Their Hair. I gotta go lie down, ok bye.
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Now it is time for the pictures!
Be careful you don't get vertigo from all the wild speed racing!
Driving https://t.co/mwrkAxfVUE— Shypixel (@Shypixel)1617397218.0
Look who wrote her name, what do you mean you can't read it, it is LULA.
Those are just very good Easter bunnies girls and I guess Shy.
Donna Rose and Lula in their "teenager lair," because they are three- and five-year-old teenagers obviously.
Aw she looks just like her mother.
You come read your Top 10 stories right now!
Good morning! Bienvenue! Wahlcome! Today's Wonkette Top 10 was chosen by a cry of actors!
Hurry, there's no time to waste!
10. Dr. Fauci Heroically Refrains From Rand-Paul's-Neighboring Rand Paul. He IS a hero, Liz!
9. Tony Perkins: God's Gonna Unleash Some Real Harsh Judgment On America Over Biden's Policies. Robyn thinks maybe what, a pandemic?
8. Heritage Foundation Determined To Stop American Liberals From 'Canceling' The British Monarchy. The world is a strange place.
7. Cindy Hyde-Smith Is A Mississippi Goddamn Moron. I see what Evan did there!
6. Foiled Again! Tomi Lahren Exposes Plan To Secretly Replace Biden With Harris. It just feels true, Robyn!
5. Mitch McConnell Pretty Sure Kentucky Gets To Veto Whatever Majority Of Americans Want. It just feels true, Liz!
4. Come Watch President Old Handsome Joe Biden And Madam VP Kamala Harris In Atlanta! It was another episode of WonkTV.
3. The Day I Gave The Sh*ts To 'Fox & Friends'. Hey Sal Cataldi, thanks for the memories!
1. A WEAKSADLOWENERGY Wonkette Moneybeg Because We're Fine Really But We Need Money Every Month, Not Just Some. Not sad! Pretty weak and low energy! Sorry I scared you guys, you were like ARE YOU OKAY DO YOU NEED A GROWNUP, and I meant that we are fine and I hate asking you for money when we're doing okay but I have to every month regardless, and anyway, you guys sent some money and it wasn't anywhere close to the least ever after all! Thank you!
Here have a picture!
Tallulah probably also prepares to eat a cat.
There you go, it is all the pictures I have of the girls this week, but they are good pictures and you like them.
Thank you for money and loving us! If you missed your chance with this month's moneybeg, you can send checks in the mail to Wonkette, Box 361, Polson MT 59860. Or you can join our Patreon! Or buy stuff from our Bazaar! Or you can buy stuff at the Amazon link!
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This has been Wonkette's Top 10 as chosen by a cry of actors, GOODBYE!
You come read your top 10 stories right now!
Semiregular check-in: HOW ARE YOU DOING. ARE YOU OKAY. DID JOE BIDEN PERSONALLY COME VAX YOU YET? Yesterday Joe Biden came and personally vaxxed the last remaining adult in our home, or rather sent enough doses to the rez where we live that our (Republican) neighbor whose wife works for the tribe knocked on our door to see if anyone needed vaxxing: Vials had been opened, and somebody best use them!
Guys, this is so fucking huge. I mean, it's huge for us, though we still have two little girls in the house and can't go out licking your faces just yet. But Biden's announcement Wednesday was huge for everybody. All adults eligible by May (and I'm guessing that's really vaxxed by May, since Prezzy Joe likes to underpromise/overdeliver) is huge. We were looking at July — late July! — before, and the thought of that even for middle aged people who already worked at home and whose wonderful grown kids came home ... was fucking sickening. It's coming you guys. It's truly coming. OK, top 10 as chosen this week by an apron of nurses.
10. That's Not What Sexism Is, Kyrsten Sinema. Boy isn't it!
9. Josh Hawley Had A Poster Above His Bed In College. It Was A Gay Poster. It was a pretty gay poster.
8. We've Got A Brooklyn Bridge To Sell Whoever Buys Jack Dorsey's First Tweet For $2.5 Million+. There's been ever so much stupid tech news this week. This was one of them!
7. President Biden Signs COVID Relief Bill Without Sharpie, Does That Even Count? I rule that, believe it or not, it DOES count!
6. BREAKING: President Biden Won't Be Signing Your Stimulus Checks. Because He's Not A Grifting Narcissist. Still counts! And you may be getting direct deposits this weekend.
5. America, We Have A Damn Attorney General. Remember before Billy Barr, there was Jeff Sessions, and Meatball? Don't forget Meatball!
4. That Idaho Mask Burning Was Creepy AF. The world is a sad place sometimes. This is one of them.
3. Trump Might Be More F*cked In Georgia Than We Knew. The world is a sad place some .... HAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING! :D
2. Mike Pence Is A Moonie Now, Practically. This fucking guy.
1. Jared And Vanky Need Some 'ME TIME', Can't Help Daddy Plot Right Now. Moue! Moue! From now on I am just going to say "Moue!" like it is a word they are saying instead of a noun for their dumb pout faces, and it's early morning Saturday, so I'm not even high! Moue!
There you have it, the top 10 stories as chosen this week by an apron of nurses! Don't forget to buy our merch as printed by our good son and wrapped and packed so pretty by me! Don't forget to join our patreon or even send us money on Venmo (I don't know my venmo name, can you look up "Rebecca Schoenkopf"? It all goes to the same grifty place) or Actblue or even Facebook Gifts! Don't forget to click the widget below! You all sent so much money last month when I MOUED at you that I am embarrassed to even ask you now, but people still have to send us money this month, it is the law. Now you may have some GIRLS IN STEM PIX!
Never in my life would have seen "homeschool" coming, goddamn.