Something super weird happened yesterday, y'all. The president talked to Vladimir Putin.

No, hear us out! Because it really was weird. We heard about it from the press secretary, instead of hearing about it from Russian state media. They even provided a readout of the call, and it didn't conflict with the Russian readout of the call, which was considerably more vague.

From what we can tell, there was no "You hang up first, no YOU hang up first, no YOU hang up first" at the end of the call. We don't even think President Biden linked any state secrets to Putin.

We at least ASSUME the transcript won't be put in the Bin Laden server that's meant to protect state secrets but during the last administration was used to hide Donald Trump's calls with foreign dictators.

How is this even presidenting?

President Joseph R. Biden, Jr. spoke today with President Vladimir Putin of Russia. They discussed both countries' willingness to extend New START for five years, agreeing to have their teams work urgently to complete the extension by February 5. They also agreed to explore strategic stability discussions on a range of arms control and emerging security issues. President Biden reaffirmed the United States' firm support for Ukraine's sovereignty. He also raised other matters of concern, including the SolarWinds hack, reports of Russia placing bounties on United States soldiers in Afghanistan, interference in the 2020 United States election, and the poisoning of Aleksey Navalny. President Biden made clear that the United States will act firmly in defense of its national interests in response to actions by Russia that harm us or our allies. The two presidents agreed to maintain transparent and consistent communication going forward.

Wait hold on wait hold on wait hold on wait. Wait. Hold on. Hold on, wait.


Hold on.


President Biden talked about a new START treaty, pretty much the only arms control treaty with Russia Trump wasn't able to fuck us out of?

President Biden said he loves Ukraine, which means he probably won't even extort Ukraine to do him a favor though?

He said something to Putin about the gigantic Russian Solar Winds hack, which got into pretty much every government agency including the National Nuclear Security Administration, while Trump was beating off to election conspiracy theories on One America News Network?

He said Putin shouldn't be paying bounties in Afghanistan for American troops' heads?

Or attack our elections?

He said something about the Russian poisoning of Putin's main political opponent Alexei Navalny, whom Russia arrested when he returned after he finished recovering from the poisoning in Germany, which has led to massive protests all over Russia? And he did this just as our allies in the G7 have been breathing down Putin's neck to release the protesters he's jailed and also release Navalny? It's almost like they're acting in concert or something!

What is Biden DOING? Was this even a perfect call?

Indeed, it sounds like it was quite a call, since President Biden had to try to cover literally everything Donald Trump ever let Putin get away with and/or secretly supported because of how Donald Trump is a compromised traitor, allegedly.

Here is White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki telling the American people about the call, on the same day the call happened, like they have nothing to hide:


Wanna know another weird thing? Biden didn't even trip over his own jizz ropes to talk to Putin the first second he had the opportunity as president. He talked to our biggest western allies first, like some kind of weirdo who won his election without Putin's help:

Later on Tuesday, Steve Doocy's moron son Peter from Fox News asked Biden what he talked to Putin about, as if that information hadn't just been fucking provided. Unfortunately Biden was already walking out the door, so he decided to mess with Doocy, because why not:

President Biden has your fuckin' number, Fox News.

Anyway, in summary and in conclusion, what a weird president we have now, we bet when he meets Kim Jong-Un he won't even try to slip him the tongue, how lame, the end.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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