"I'm working like a — my ass off Christmas stuff, that, you know, who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff and decoration? But I need to do it, right? Correct?"

Oh, Melon. Not correct. Nobody expects anything from the single worst first lady in the history of first ladies. Especially when she's married to the man who quite literally stole Christmas with his negligently homicidal mismanagement of the COVID-19 pandemic, from the 268,000-and-counting Americans who have died from it, from all their families and loved ones, and from all the rest of us who can't do anything normal this holiday season because of the virus Donald Trump gave America.

But Melania Trump has done it again, for the fourth and final time. It's time for Melania's Christmas Hellhouse 2020, and like all other Melania Christmas Hellhouses, it brings to mind death and rot and poor taste and did we mention death?

If you're looking for an urn to store your dead grandma's ashes in, might we suggest whatever funeral home off the side of the highway next to the Four Seasons Total Landscape and the porn store where Melania found these garbage ... Christmas urns?

The plants that came in them? Don't know. Probably came with the urns. And will soon be dead.


And then there's this Christmas tree that answers the age-old question, "What if Slimer gave Christmas trees a golden shower?"

And of course there's a fucking BeBest ornament because there always fucking is. Anyway, you can watch the video of Melania pretending to care about Christmas as she surveys the devastation, if you'd like:

JoeMyGod also shares this funny video of Donald saying Merry Christmas, with Melania's recording where she complains about having to do Zeez Focking Chreestmas Decorations to her former friend Stephanie Winston Wolkoff, as we quoted above, overdubbed.

Perhaps we are being unfair to the First Lady, like how the First Lady is unfair to refugee children who have been ripped out of their mommies' arms at the border. Some of Zeez Focking Chreestmas Decorations this year look kind of vaguely normal, we guess. Maybe she kind of even tried this year, since it's HER LAST ONE EVER AND ALL.

Whatever it is, it's definitely not Hellhouse 2018, with its Upside Down "Stranger Things" orchard of excruciating pain and trees that eat your face and then go kill your mother.

And it's not Hellhouse 2018, which looked like Cousin Itt had a baby with Donald Trump's naked body and it started asexually reproducing itself down the hallway:

Speaking of Cousin Itt, we've been rewatching the Addams Family movies the past couple weeks, because that is a nice holiday thing to do. And we were just thinking Melania's Christmas decorations look like what would happen if Morticia Addams decided to do Christmas, but like Morticia had gone blind or something and had no idea what any of her chosen decorations even looked like. And also had lost her sense of humor. And all her heart. And her sense of fun.

We are sorry, all of that was Morticia Addams Libels, and we are sorry for bringing her up in the same sentence with Melania Trump, they are nothing alike.

Oh well, I DON'T REALLY CARE DO U, Merry Christmas, get the fuck out of the White House, you scum garbage troll Trumps, the end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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