Welcome To The Third (And Last Ever?) Presidential Debate!
This should be terrible.
Good evening, Daves. Tonight we shall livebloog, together, the third and maaaybe not last-ever presidential debate. We are assuming here, for the sake of math, that Donald Trump will not in fact win the election and outlaw democracy. Instead, we will watch from between our fingers as Donald Trump Saws and Hostels and Its all over Hillary Clinton, Chris Wallace, and THE WORLD, because that guy is going to take us all down with him in a raging ball of civilization-ending fire if it's the last thing he does.
A note for the newbs: I tend to watch these debates from a perspective of "would an idiot who does not know anything about this campaign or the country be fooled by this nonsense?" and if the answer is "LOCK HER UP!" then shit gets very dark and I whine and wail and tear my breast and beat my hair a lot. Just so you know what you're getting yourself into. I mean, I'm no Andrew Sullivan after the Obama Romney debate -- I am not, in fact, CURRENTLY AFLAME -- but things can get emotive pretty damn quick.
OK, ready, set, let's wait a while!
The people are splaining UNLV is so amazing (LOL k) and there will be six topics: 1. benghazi 2. pussy 3. emails 4. hot or not 5. juanita broaddrick 6. say one thing you love about each other
Also, we are supposed to SHUSH and NOT PARTICIPATE and that counts triple for you, guest star Sarah Palin, best debater ever we know, but try to hush your mouth, you betcha.
Shit, Chris Wallace just said we're gonna start at 3:00 sharp, or six hours from now. Sort of like the primary debate clocks would count down from 45, and then without any sort of update would just START OVER.
9:04: Chris Wallace introduces a debate between "Secretary of State Hillary Clinton" and "Donald J. Trump." No honorific for Trump, who makes all his employees call him "MISTER"? CHRIS WALLACE IS BIAS!
9:06: A fine question from Wallace: What's up with the Supreme Court, amirite?
Hillary Clinton doesn't waste time on hellos, and gets down to SCOTUS. First three off the top? Women's rights, gay rights, and FU Citizens United; also FU Senate, mos partic John McCain, you are not mavericky, the end.
So there is a person who understands things the Supreme Court does. How about the other guy?
Donald Trump: Ruth Bader Ginsburg talked shit about me. It should never ever ever have been said. Also, guns. "It's all about the Constitution of, of, the Constitution, so important, the way it was meant to be." Direct quote.
So there was that.
Somebody didn't take his Adderall tonight.
Wallace: How about guns? Do you want to hump them?
Hillary Clinton: I don't want to hump them very much, no; I thought Heller was a bad decision, but there have been better decisions okaying gun regulation since.
Trump: She was very upset. Probably she was on the rag, I am not saying, but some people are saying. Also, I do not know what "Heller" is.
Hillary: I regret [that the NRA is backing Trump.] Because I would like us ALL to come together and say "OF COURSE we support" sensible regulations. Cool.
Trump: Black people kill people in Chicago. Then he points out that Hillary was "sarcastic" about his NRA backing. Well, she wasn't sarcastic, actually. She is dead-steely serious. But okay. A woman might have been a "sarcastic" woman at you.
Wallace: How bout bortions?
Trump: Yeah, gimme three Supreme Court justices, we got that.
Clinton: NOPE. Also, I love Planned Parenthood almost as much as I love my BEST FRIEND MICHELLE OBAMA.
Heart you, Hillz.
Donald Trump thinks women murder their babies in "their ninth month" for funsies. And Hillz is PISSED. It is "unfortunate" she says, practically spitting, that he would traffic in such falsehoods. She is MAD ABOUT A THING, and I LIKE MAD HILLARY CLINTON.
9:22. Wallace: What about the Southern border, guys? How do you feel about Mexico? Trump knows all about the drugs pouring across our borders because he doesn't have any tonight. He got pee tested.
Hillary: He talks all big about the wall, and then met the Mexican president "and didn't even raise it, HE CHOKED." Dang, don't-give-a-fuck Hillz!
Donald, might maybe have rethought bringing that new Clinton accuser tonight. You are getting the back of Clinton's hand, and it's muy linda. Oh, who used undocumented workers to build Trump Tower, it was Donald Trump? Hillary definitely took her brain drugs today.
Hillary pivots from "open borders" in the hemisphere (drawn from Wikileaks) to HEY HOW ABOUT DONALD TRUMP TELLS RUSSIA TO CUT THE SHIT?
Donald Trump declines. Instead, he merely says Putin "doesn't respect" Clinton. She points out that Putin wants Trump to win and be his "puppet."
"No, you're the puppet," ripostes Trump.
Good one dude.
Chris Wallace until now has been doing an actually good job keeping things going. But now shit is DERPPPP.
Chris Wallace: Yeah, but Trump, it was def Russia. Do you condemn them interfering with our election?
Trump: OF COUUUURSE! Also, he outsmarts her all the time, she is such a dope, word word word.
Hillary's like: Nukes? People don't want you near them. Trump rambles a while about "200 generals and 20 Medal of Honor winners" and ends by calling Hillary a proven liar while lying about not saying a bunch of stuff he said about nukes, on tape.
9:40. How about the economy?
Hillary Clinton: Plans, college, experts! Donald's plan will lose 5.3 trillion dollars (this is true!). "Things I know about, a lot!" Let's see what Trump says.
Donald Trump: First of all, her plan will double your taxes. (Maybe yours, Donald, from "zero.")
But now he is back on making NATO and South Korea pay up. Then so many ramble words about renegotiating NAFTA, it will be such a beautiful deal.
nb: I am not worried about idiots being fooled by any of this.
Clinton: NOPE. I will not raise taxes on anyone making $250,000 or less. I will also not have a penny more of debt. My husband made a surplus. Obama has cut the deficit by two-thirds. And I will invest in new jobs, skill training, opportunities, and cutting taxes on the wealthy, WE HAVE TRIED THAT.
Chris Wallace: Let me remind everyone I work for Fox news. Obama has the slowest growth since 1949.
Clinton: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING, WERE YOU ALIVE IN 2008???? Also GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Wallace: I am very fair. Even conservative economists say your plan is bullshit. Your response?
Trump: China and India have growth. We have such bad jobs. Stagnant. We've lost our jobs, we're not making things anymore, I make all my shit in China myself. I've gotten to know so many friends over the last year, all of whose jobs I outsourced. NAFTA. I don't know anything else about economy but NAFTA.
Clinton: There's only one person on this stage who's shipped jobs to Mexico, and that's Donald Trump, BURN.
Trump: SIX BILLION DOLLARS WAS MISSING, YOU COULDN'T EVEN FIND IT.
Is he ... talking about Iraq under George W. Bush? I honestly have NO IDEA.
Well, we're done with that apparently. Chris Wallace would like to talk about #pussygrabbing.
9:53: Tell us about the pussies? Trump: DEBUNKED. LOL OH YES YES V DEBUNKED. By the way, have you heard about James O'Keefe?
Hillary Clinton: Donald thinks belittling women makes him bigger. He said the women were too ugly to ...
Trump: NO I DIDN'T.
OH MY GOD YES YOU DID, YOU INSANE PERSON.
Trump: It was fictionalized, possibly by her and her "sleazy campaign." But have you heard she did emails? She will go to jail for five years. "That's really what you should be talking about, not fiction and what comes out of her crooked campaign."
Clinton: Let me tell you a few things about how Trump treats people [list].
He's amazing, and she's amazing, but in the GOOD WAY.
Trump tries to pivot to O'Keefe's video about Hillary "causing violence" at Trump rallies. But he'd love to talk about ISIS, if anybody would ever let him answer a policy question!
10:00. How about the Clinton Foundation, and how skeevy it is?
Clinton: THANK YOU FOR ASKING. We do millions of AIDS in Africa people, and schools and ... stuff ... and Wallace is like "HEY this is not a campaign commercial" and Trump calls it a "criminal enterprise."
But it was nice to see her actually answer the question with pride instead of her usual "GO TO MY WEBSITE." Waaaay better. She is tap-dancing all over his orange Cheeto face.
Say it Hillary: UNLIKE YOUR FOUNDATION, WE DON'T KEEP THE MONEY.
Oh good she just did.
10:06. Now we are on Trump's taxes, and he is blasting her for letting him not pay taxes. You should have changed the law that let him take deductions five years before you were in the Senate. Shame on you.
Luckily, she did. Unfortunately, she didn't borrow Obama's time machine at the same time.
Chris Wallace: How about you threatening not to respect the will of the voters, Trump, and all this rigged talk?
Trump: She should not have been allowed to run, she is such a criminal, she did emails, and that is why it is rigged.
Clinton: The FBI investigated, he said it was rigged. He lost primaries, he said it was rigged. He didn't get A GODDAMN EMMY AND SAID IT WAS RIGGED, COME ON. "It's funny, but it's also really troubling."
What she said.
10:10 (Yr Doktor Zoom jumps in because Iraq gives Rebecca hives)
Mosul question, so get ready for Trump to say "take the oil!
Donald Trump's understanding of war is roughly like that of a 12-year-old boy. He says we should have taken Mosul with a surprise attack -- which is rather difficult to do when taking back an occupied city, you know.
10:17 Incidentally, if you want to be more well-informed on ISIS than Donald Trump, you could watch Frontline's documentary on the history of ISIS free for nothing online.
10:18 And now Trump is saying that liberating Mosul from ISIS isn't a particularly good thing for the USA? WUT?
10:20 Trump doesn't actually know anything about Aleppo, so he screams at Wallace.
Rebecca again: Donald Trump doesn't know what's up with Mosul, so he starts on Wikileaks and how John Podesta and Bernie Sanders both said such terrible things about Hillary.
Clinton: Bernie Sanders is campaigning for me around the country, and he says you're the most dangerous person to run for president in modern times. MIC DROP.
Trump: Syrian refugees want to come here and kill us. "LOTS OF LUCK HILLARY. THANKS A LOT FOR DOING A GREAT JOB."
You're ... welcome???
Would you believe supposed deficit hawk Mike Pence is lying about how Hillary Clinton's economic plan would affect deficits and debt? Of course you would!
Clinton: Trump sucks, and has been calling us the laughingstock of the world SINCE REAGAN. But since we're asking about debt, I PAY FOR EVERYTHING I'M PROPOSING. I WILL NOT ADD ONE PENNY TO THE NATIONAL DEBT. I will tax the rich, for fairness and growth, and he sucked all the money off his dad.
As usual tonight, she is full of correct.
10:30. What will Trump do for Social Security? He will repeal Obamacare. OK cool.
Secretary Clinton? I don't know, lockbox probably. (DEEP CUT FOR THE OLDS!)
She says something about Trump trying to get out of taxes. "SUCH A NASTY WOMAN," he sneers while she talks. "Your husband disagrees with you," he says while she talks about entitlements.
He manages not to talk about her husband THE RAPIST disagreeing with her. And it's closing statements.
Hillary: Republicans, Democrats, independents, come be fair and awesome with me! We will stand up against special interests and corporations, I hope you will give me a chance to serve as your president.
Trump: She is raising money from the people she wants to control. Military, make America great, we take care of illegal immigrants better than vets, law & order and justice, our inner cities are a disaster, I will do more for African Americans and Latinos "than she can do in 10 lifetimes," and "we cannot take four more years of Barack Obama, which you will get if you vote for her."
Just lol dudes.
So. You know how I said "waaah" that I was scared and it could get gloomy?
NOPE. Let us all go dream the dreams of WARRIORS and wake up floating on clouds of love.
I love you all. See you in the a.m.!
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.