Sen. Bernie Sanders
photo by Dominic Gwinn

I've got a secret to tell you that I haven't told ANYBODY: I am a Warren person!

Oh I am just joshing, you all knew that already. What fun and #jokes we have here at the Winemom Cafe!

Now, after "Super" Tuesday, it is not looking good for our old gal. And I woke up this morning ... kind of okay with it, actually. I think it really really really helped I had a Mexican vacation last week. I have my opinions on both our current frontrunners, the B Almost Octogenarians Boys, and I sorely wish my fellow Americans had done what I wanted and made me the king of choosing presidents. But it did not happen. Maybe E Dubs will stay in! Maybe she really is gonna persist until there's no more persisting! It's crazy that people wanted her to drop out before Super Tuesday, since literally every contest so far had had a different winner, and yesterday's might have been hers! But it wasn't, and I am, extremely surprisingly, chill.

(It helps that I am envisioning Senate Majority Leader Elizabeth Warren. Will you join me?)

Joe's an all right fella in a lot of ways, but Bernie's more to my liking policy-wise, and damn oh damn I wish some of his worser followers weren't "worser." Because sure, not everybody lives on the Internet, but you do, and I do, and the reporters do. And for every "DON'T CALL ME A BRO" out there who's been alienating natural allies like most Warren supporters by telling us we just elected Trump and have blood on our hands, because somehow there is always a woman to blame, there is a media person seeing that shit and internalizing "BROS ARE ASSHOLES WHO WANT EVERYONE TO BEND THE KNEE," because of how that is what they themselves keep saying, out loud, with their mouths.

So I had an idea, and it is a free idea, and it is a sincere idea, and I'm literally not even being a bitch:

So long ago that I wasn't even born yet, and I am a grandmother, there was a candidate named Eugene McCarthy. Like Paul Wellstone, he was a senator from Minnesota and a very fine liberal man. He primaried LBJ based on the Vietnam War. Then LBJ bowed out and RFK announced he was running. The situation was ... a lot! RFK was murdered, Hubert Humphreys jumped in, there were riots, Nixon won ... I'm not saying 1968 was perfect, okay?

But what McCarthy supporters did was they got "Clean for Gene." They shaved, cut their hair, put on shoes probably even, and hit the doorbells. It was a sacrifice. They liked their hair. But "not freaking out the squares" had a purpose, a good purpose, that would benefit them.

That purpose was hopefully not being the last to die for an immoral war.

Now imagine if the antisocial friends we have online decided to stop being antisocial. What if, and I mean this very seriously, the Chapo boys decided to put on their Little Lord Fauntleroy breeches, and discover their inner Eddie Haskells, and began to check themselves for "politeness" before they addressed a Warren person — or a Bidener, or a Klobucharerer, or a Mayor Pete fan (name people in their movement have been really gross about Mayor Pete) — and began asking themselves, "DOES THIS HELP MY MOVEMENT? COULD I PERSUADE SOME SQUARES WITH SEXY NICENESS?"

Because for all you sneer that "oh mean words matter more than people dying from lack of healthcare?" well, what matters more to you: Getting to say mean words, or people dying from lack of healthcare?

You don't even have to mean it. You can secretly wish that we all die or get raped or whatever (I hope you don't wish that, but some of y'all seem to), but out loud, you police yourself and your brothers and sisters: Does. this. help. our movement?

Anyway, that is my idea, and I mean it, and I hope you guys decide to be heroes for your guy, and sacrifice a little of the bile it feels so wonderful to vent. I understand about bile! I promise!

You could give it a stupid name, like the one I came up with already: Grander for Sanders. Find a Warren supporter. Grab her by the arm and help her across the street, metaphorically. I don't know, offer to wash her lawn or mow her cat.

Because the nihilism is keeping you at a 30 percent ceiling. Chasing off new people is keeping you at a 30 percent ceiling. Coming in hot like Lt. Calley is keeping you at a 30 percent ceiling. Sheeit, shitting on fellow travelers like the fucking democratic socialists at Wonkette is keeping you at a 30 percent ceiling. I know lots of one-time Berners considering a Biden vote, because Biden's people aren't emotional terrorists.

And once you start faking niceness, you might find you like it.

It's a choice! You could make it!

Okay bye.

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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