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Matt Schlapp, the conservative lobbyist yap-mouth pundit who (we are just saying) looks like a stranger danger ice cream van driver who's missing his van, has some thoughts to share about the Robert Mueller investigation, if you're stupid enough to hear them. Yes, the man who, along with his wife Mercedes Schlapp, a Trump White House fuckhead, left the White House Correspondents Dinner crying because a comedian said Sarah Huckabee Sanders's eyeshadow was made of LIES -- he has some thoughts about Mueller's probe, because he's such an honest broker about stuff like this, especially when he's telling Fox News what Fox News wants to hear.


So what is Matt Schlapp's reasoning here, you ask? Haha, you are funny to be using the word "reasoning" about this. But sure, we'll call it "reasoning"!

Schlapp cites the following evidence:

  • Mueller "has had over a year!" to do his investigation, and what's he got to show for it, besides all these guilty pleas and indictments and convictions and jail sentences?
  • Mueller has had so much money, and what people really want ("people" = Fox News viewers, who die of old age a whole lot and are replaced in the electorate by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez voters) is for investigations like these to have a time limit and a budget limit, because if you can't find all the crimes with a randomly predetermined amount of time/money, then that means WITCH HUNT!
  • The Democrats didn't run any ads during the midterms about Russia, therefore it does not exist.

Aren't you like so convinced now?

Yes, Schlapp said this on the first Monday after the Thursday when Robert Mueller accepted a guilty plea from former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen, for lying to Congress about Trump being in bed with the Russians during the campaign, a plea that revealed that Trump and his cronies were pursuing a Moscow business deal and lying about it to Trump's supporters, at the same time as the Russians were actively mounting a hacking and influence operation to steal the election for Trump. (For more on how we think these two things are not just related, but actually the same thing, click here! And here!) In short, we can with 100% certainty now say that Trump was compromised by Vladimir Putin during the campaign. Now we just get to wait to see how much more compromised he actually is! (We think the eventual answer will knock the wind out of all of us.)

For more on just how bad the Cohen plea is for Trump -- and the questions it really raises, such as the possibility that Trump was literally trying to make deals happen with Moscow while fully aware that the Russians were ratfucking the election for him, read Greg Sargent in the Washington Post. As we said above, we think these two things are the same thing.

Meanwhile, also last week, longtime Trump associate criminal skeevy-ass motherfucker Roger Stone was being squeezed harder and harder, for lying his-own-self about his contacts with WikiLeaks, a well known Russian front operation, to get Hillary Clinton's hacked emails. Oh yeah, and Stone associate birther freak jackass Jerome Corsi is under the impression that he just filed a criminal complaint against Robert Mueller, for trying to force him to "lie" about his information-sharing deals with WikiLeaks and Stone.

Yep, Matt Schlapp, Mueller's obviously got NOTHIN'. And he certainly doesn't have anything on NO COLLUSION, except for how Cohen's guilty plea and the Stone/Corsi stuff is all 100% about collusion, or as it's known in the legal world, conspiracy.

They sure all do live up inside the same gnarly asshole over there at Fox News, don't they?

Of course, Schlapp may or may not actually be as stupid as he seems. It's possible that he knows full well that investigations like this take as long as they take, and that they start at the outside and move upward and inward until the full crimes of the people at the center are exposed. It's possible he knows Mueller is squarely inside his mandate to investigate all crimes involving the Trump campaign and Russia, as well as "any matters that arose or may arise directly from the investigation," and also that the special counsel has the "authority to investigate and prosecute federal crimes committed in the course of, and with intent to interfere with, the Special Counsel's investigation, such as perjury, obstruction of justice, destruction of evidence, and intimidation of witnesses; and to conduct appeals arising out of the matter being investigated and/or prosecuted." (That's the actual text of the law cited in Rod Rosenstein's letter appointing Mueller. Matt Schlapp could have Googled it, if he wasn't busy being paid to not Google it.)

But maybe Schlapp is as stupid as he seems and we should feel sorry for him for getting so thoroughly shafted by God in the brains department, haha just kidding, he can go fuck himself, the end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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