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Matt Schlapp, the conservative lobbyist yap-mouth pundit who (we are just saying) looks like a stranger danger ice cream van driver who's missing his van, has some thoughts to share about the Robert Mueller investigation, if you're stupid enough to hear them. Yes, the man who, along with his wife Mercedes Schlapp, a Trump White House fuckhead, left the White House Correspondents Dinner crying because a comedian said Sarah Huckabee Sanders's eyeshadow was made of LIES -- he has some thoughts about Mueller's probe, because he's such an honest broker about stuff like this, especially when he's telling Fox News what Fox News wants to hear.


So what is Matt Schlapp's reasoning here, you ask? Haha, you are funny to be using the word "reasoning" about this. But sure, we'll call it "reasoning"!

Schlapp cites the following evidence:

  • Mueller "has had over a year!" to do his investigation, and what's he got to show for it, besides all these guilty pleas and indictments and convictions and jail sentences?
  • Mueller has had so much money, and what people really want ("people" = Fox News viewers, who die of old age a whole lot and are replaced in the electorate by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez voters) is for investigations like these to have a time limit and a budget limit, because if you can't find all the crimes with a randomly predetermined amount of time/money, then that means WITCH HUNT!
  • The Democrats didn't run any ads during the midterms about Russia, therefore it does not exist.

Aren't you like so convinced now?

Yes, Schlapp said this on the first Monday after the Thursday when Robert Mueller accepted a guilty plea from former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen, for lying to Congress about Trump being in bed with the Russians during the campaign, a plea that revealed that Trump and his cronies were pursuing a Moscow business deal and lying about it to Trump's supporters, at the same time as the Russians were actively mounting a hacking and influence operation to steal the election for Trump. (For more on how we think these two things are not just related, but actually the same thing, click here! And here!) In short, we can with 100% certainty now say that Trump was compromised by Vladimir Putin during the campaign. Now we just get to wait to see how much more compromised he actually is! (We think the eventual answer will knock the wind out of all of us.)

For more on just how bad the Cohen plea is for Trump -- and the questions it really raises, such as the possibility that Trump was literally trying to make deals happen with Moscow while fully aware that the Russians were ratfucking the election for him, read Greg Sargent in the Washington Post. As we said above, we think these two things are the same thing.

Meanwhile, also last week, longtime Trump associate criminal skeevy-ass motherfucker Roger Stone was being squeezed harder and harder, for lying his-own-self about his contacts with WikiLeaks, a well known Russian front operation, to get Hillary Clinton's hacked emails. Oh yeah, and Stone associate birther freak jackass Jerome Corsi is under the impression that he just filed a criminal complaint against Robert Mueller, for trying to force him to "lie" about his information-sharing deals with WikiLeaks and Stone.

Yep, Matt Schlapp, Mueller's obviously got NOTHIN'. And he certainly doesn't have anything on NO COLLUSION, except for how Cohen's guilty plea and the Stone/Corsi stuff is all 100% about collusion, or as it's known in the legal world, conspiracy.

They sure all do live up inside the same gnarly asshole over there at Fox News, don't they?

Of course, Schlapp may or may not actually be as stupid as he seems. It's possible that he knows full well that investigations like this take as long as they take, and that they start at the outside and move upward and inward until the full crimes of the people at the center are exposed. It's possible he knows Mueller is squarely inside his mandate to investigate all crimes involving the Trump campaign and Russia, as well as "any matters that arose or may arise directly from the investigation," and also that the special counsel has the "authority to investigate and prosecute federal crimes committed in the course of, and with intent to interfere with, the Special Counsel's investigation, such as perjury, obstruction of justice, destruction of evidence, and intimidation of witnesses; and to conduct appeals arising out of the matter being investigated and/or prosecuted." (That's the actual text of the law cited in Rod Rosenstein's letter appointing Mueller. Matt Schlapp could have Googled it, if he wasn't busy being paid to not Google it.)

But maybe Schlapp is as stupid as he seems and we should feel sorry for him for getting so thoroughly shafted by God in the brains department, haha just kidding, he can go fuck himself, the end.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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