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Air travel. There's nothing white people like to complain about more than the minor annoyances associated with boarding an aluminum capsule and traveling thousands of miles in a few hours.


Honestly, the complaints are tiresome unless you're Muslim, Muslim-adjacent, or just pretty tan. At which point your complaints are likely valid but nobody cares because of that thing Giuliani says.

But sometimes our winged Corporate People are real bags of dicks. Like these times!

United customer wears short shorts, obviously asking for the business class

A 15-year-old girl traveling from Sydney to Los Angeles received unwanted touchings by the elderly creep seated next to her. To which United Airlines responded, "eh."

[Chelsea] Schiffel alleges during the course of the lengthy flight a man touched her breasts twice before she notified her mother Narelle. Despite complaining to air crew and requesting alternative seating arrangements, the pair claimed they were asked to return to their same seats for the remainder of the flight.

Everything on an airplane is a la carte these days. So I guess Schiffel said "no" when the desk agent asked her if she wanted to pay $78 dollars for an extra checked bag and sexual assault protection. This one is clearly on the kid.

It wasn't just an unsympathetic crew who failed to address the assault; United corporate also has a unique interpretation of "Friendly Skies." (Please note that due to Schiffel's clothing choices, the O'Reilly Doctrine also applies in this case):

"Chelsea repeatedly moved in and out of her seat, crawling over the other customer who was attempting to sleep, and that your daughter wore extremely short shorts," the airline said in a letter, as sighted by News Corp.

Hey sure why not? The fine print says you have to dress like a Mennonite on a 15-hour flight or the frustrated bro sitting next to you hits the heavy petting lottery. Thank god she wasn't wearing an eye mask or all the gentlemen get to line up and do felonious nastiness to her because, like international waters, there's no statutory anything on United Airlines.

This isn't the first time United denied a young female protection from creepy passengers keeping their penises in upright and locked positions. But until these teen girls stop entrapping the poor, poor dudes by being teen girls, there's really nothing United can do.

Gaggle of airlines conspire to shove unbridled capitalism down throats

Speaking of United Airlines, they've been named with some other big shot corporate persons in a lawsuit alleging some good ol' collusion and price fixing. Travel agents are suing Delta (the dangerous one), American (the quiet one) and United (the drooling masturbator) for allegedly gouging everyone who takes a trip with multiple stops.

According to the complaint, by closing the [commonality] loophole, the airlines could force travelers to book a single, multi-city ticket for hundreds — if not thousands — of dollars more than if they had book tickets separately.

The "Commonality" provisions allowed consumers to simply bundle one-way fares into a total price. For instance, if you were traveling from New York to Kansas City, you wipe your tears away and book from New York to Chicago for $100, Chicago to St. Louis for $3 (cuz demand) and St. Louis to Kansas City for $50 and your total ticket price equaled $153.

Since that made too much sense, the allegations state that the airlines conspired to change this policy and rely on a seemingly random calculator whereby someone with limited travel options might be charged double the cost of the separate one-way tickets. Because gougers gonna gouge.

The airlines of course deny these allegations, disputing that people should even believe "travel agents," like those are still real things.

For their part, the airlines, which deny working together on the changes, contended when the policies went into effect that many one-way fares are promotional offers, intended to serve specific routes, not meant to be combined with other routes, the Los Angeles Times reports.

You get that everyone? These promotional fares are limited to specific routes. But not if that specific route helps you get to another specific route. It all makes so much sense. In fact, maybe these airlines should limit these promo fares to people flying specific routes to visit their sick grandmothers and if you're flying somewhere to tour a root beer factory then tough shit.

Mysteries remain about probably heartwarming story of black pastor forced off plane

American Airlines removed Rev. William Barber, leader of North's Carolina's 'Moral Mondays,' from a plane this week after the man of God had the gall to respond to disparaging remarks from another passenger.

What remarks?

A nearby passenger said loudly that he had problems with "those people" and criticized Barber's need to purchase two airline seats for himself, said Barber, who is also president of the state chapter of the NAACP.

Before the crew gave safety instructions, he said he stood up and turned around to respond. An arthritic condition prevented him from turning around in his seat to address the other passenger, Barber said.

American removed Barber from the plane for not following instructions, but I'm sure some of their best friends are "those people."

If only Barber groped a teenager, he might've flown in peace.

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