Air travel. There's nothing white people like to complain about more than the minor annoyances associated with boarding an aluminum capsule and traveling thousands of miles in a few hours.

Honestly, the complaints are tiresome unless you're Muslim, Muslim-adjacent, or just pretty tan. At which point your complaints are likely valid but nobody cares because of that thing Giuliani says.

But sometimes our winged Corporate People are real bags of dicks. Like these times!

United customer wears short shorts, obviously asking for the business class

A 15-year-old girl traveling from Sydney to Los Angeles received unwanted touchings by the elderly creep seated next to her. To which United Airlines responded, "eh."

[Chelsea] Schiffel alleges during the course of the lengthy flight a man touched her breasts twice before she notified her mother Narelle. Despite complaining to air crew and requesting alternative seating arrangements, the pair claimed they were asked to return to their same seats for the remainder of the flight.

Everything on an airplane is a la carte these days. So I guess Schiffel said "no" when the desk agent asked her if she wanted to pay $78 dollars for an extra checked bag and sexual assault protection. This one is clearly on the kid.

It wasn't just an unsympathetic crew who failed to address the assault; United corporate also has a unique interpretation of "Friendly Skies." (Please note that due to Schiffel's clothing choices, the O'Reilly Doctrine also applies in this case):

"Chelsea repeatedly moved in and out of her seat, crawling over the other customer who was attempting to sleep, and that your daughter wore extremely short shorts," the airline said in a letter, as sighted by News Corp.

Hey sure why not? The fine print says you have to dress like a Mennonite on a 15-hour flight or the frustrated bro sitting next to you hits the heavy petting lottery. Thank god she wasn't wearing an eye mask or all the gentlemen get to line up and do felonious nastiness to her because, like international waters, there's no statutory anything on United Airlines.

This isn't the first time United denied a young female protection from creepy passengers keeping their penises in upright and locked positions. But until these teen girls stop entrapping the poor, poor dudes by being teen girls, there's really nothing United can do.

Gaggle of airlines conspire to shove unbridled capitalism down throats

Speaking of United Airlines, they've been named with some other big shot corporate persons in a lawsuit alleging some good ol' collusion and price fixing. Travel agents are suing Delta (the dangerous one), American (the quiet one) and United (the drooling masturbator) for allegedly gouging everyone who takes a trip with multiple stops.

According to the complaint, by closing the [commonality] loophole, the airlines could force travelers to book a single, multi-city ticket for hundreds — if not thousands — of dollars more than if they had book tickets separately.

The "Commonality" provisions allowed consumers to simply bundle one-way fares into a total price. For instance, if you were traveling from New York to Kansas City, you wipe your tears away and book from New York to Chicago for $100, Chicago to St. Louis for $3 (cuz demand) and St. Louis to Kansas City for $50 and your total ticket price equaled $153.

Since that made too much sense, the allegations state that the airlines conspired to change this policy and rely on a seemingly random calculator whereby someone with limited travel options might be charged double the cost of the separate one-way tickets. Because gougers gonna gouge.

The airlines of course deny these allegations, disputing that people should even believe "travel agents," like those are still real things.

For their part, the airlines, which deny working together on the changes, contended when the policies went into effect that many one-way fares are promotional offers, intended to serve specific routes, not meant to be combined with other routes, the Los Angeles Times reports.

You get that everyone? These promotional fares are limited to specific routes. But not if that specific route helps you get to another specific route. It all makes so much sense. In fact, maybe these airlines should limit these promo fares to people flying specific routes to visit their sick grandmothers and if you're flying somewhere to tour a root beer factory then tough shit.

Mysteries remain about probably heartwarming story of black pastor forced off plane

American Airlines removed Rev. William Barber, leader of North's Carolina's 'Moral Mondays,' from a plane this week after the man of God had the gall to respond to disparaging remarks from another passenger.

What remarks?

A nearby passenger said loudly that he had problems with "those people" and criticized Barber's need to purchase two airline seats for himself, said Barber, who is also president of the state chapter of the NAACP.

Before the crew gave safety instructions, he said he stood up and turned around to respond. An arthritic condition prevented him from turning around in his seat to address the other passenger, Barber said.

American removed Barber from the plane for not following instructions, but I'm sure some of their best friends are "those people."

If only Barber groped a teenager, he might've flown in peace.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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