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Friends, Romans, countrymen, we hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal and Donald Trump is a monumentally stupid flagon full of assorted hippopotamus testicles and that is why we, all the Democrats, are doing CIVIL WAR today!

What, you did not get your invite to CIVIL WAR? It is discussed right here in this journalism broadcast from Alex Jones. (Don't click on that.)

Anyway, the point is that there is a CIVIL WAR on, but everybody celebrates CIVIL WAR in different ways. We personally are going to start drinking beer very early and somebody is making a Boston Butt on the Big Green Egg and there will be a lot of swimming today. If we are asked nicely, we might make macaroni and cheese or something, but #NoGuarantees. (Click here for a really good macaroni and cheese recipe.)


If somehow we are struck with a very WAR-FIGHTIN' spirit and feel led by the Lord to make this CIVIL WAR something worth writing home about, maybe we will finally fix up John Legend's fried chicken wings from his wife Chrissy Teigen's cookbook Cravings, which you should own if for some terrible reason you do not. (Haha, this is not happening either. We are bad at CIVIL WAR this year and just want to lie around drunk.)

How about you? What is your favorite recipe to make for CIVIL WAR? Share it in the comments, which are only allowed for special today, because it is CIVIL WAR.

Also, this is your all day OPEN THREAD, because LOL do you think we are here right now? PFFFFFFFFT.

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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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