What If Joni Ernst Were More Like Max Ernst?


Ernst Ernst Ernst. Isn't that a good name? Ernst Ernst Ernst. The Importance of Being Ernst. Ernst Borgnine. We bet it's the onomatopoeia in some culture for a blaring truck horn: ERNST! ERNST! OUT OF MY WAY!

In many ways, yr Wonket has eyes for only one Ernst at the moment: superfab Iowa nutwhacker Joni Ernst. Guys, we are basically popping champagne corks here over her election (we're satirists, remember?). Basically, if there's ever a lull in the next six years, we'll be all, like, WHAT DID JONI DO TODAY? Honestly, we haven't been this excited about an Ernst since that one art history textbook we had in high school featured a Max Ernst painting with tits. Sorry, Max, but you're only the second best Ernst now.

But what if we could combine the top two Ernsts? Wouldn't that be something? After all, as crazy as Joni was during her campaign, we could all tell she was trying to rein it in, to appear more "normal." But what if Joni Ernst were more like Max Ernst? She's obviously dying to burst out of her shell, so maybe a little surrealism would help!

  • January 2015: At her swearing in, Joni promises to apply decalcomania to the Constitution.
  • May 2015: Joni's thick German accent renders her "Iowa Values" platitudes faintly ludicrous.
  • August 2015: Lindsey Graham startled when Joni asks if she can do a pencil rubbing of his face.
  • November 2015: Joni baffles her colleagues when she arrives for a vote clad in an elaborately feathered bird costume.
  • March 2016: While drafting new poison pill amendments for the most recent Democratic attempt at immigration reform, Joni gets too enthusiastic, injures self with palette knife, vermillion paint flies everywhere.
  • July 2016: Joni insists on hearings to determine the extent of the threat Agenda 21 poses to the Guggenheim.
  • June 2017: Mitch McConnell thanks Joni for her alternative health care reform legislation, but notes that it needs a punchier title than The Small Fistule That Says Tic Tac.
  • October 2017: Latest album by The Mars Volta features photo of Joni on the cover.
  • June 2018: Joni starts referring to Obama as "Ubu Imperator".
  • September 2018: Ted Cruz doesn't know how to respond when Joni asks, "Have you ever really looked at the eye of a pigeon?"
  • February 2020: Joni proposes running for re-election on a "pro-frottage" platform until cooler heads explain the modern meaning of the word to her.

Next time: What if Louie Gohmert were more like Jeff Koons?

Luv, Princess Sparkle Pony.

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