What If Planned Parenthood Sold Shoes Instead Of Abortions? The Ivanka Trump Story.


You know how we like to tell Ivanka Trump, the best first daughter with the mostest who can't seem to convince her father to do shit, to go fuck herself? Well hallelujah, it's TIME TO DO IT AGAIN. There's a long profile of Jared 'n' Ivanka Kushner-Trump in the new Vanity Fair, and it's mostly about "Complain!" and "Washington sux nobody likes us!" and "Please give us your sympathy, as we did not ask for Popsy to become King of America, and now our old friends don't talk to us and we have the vapors and we are going to die." It's very interesting if you are into that sort of thing!

But the real go fuck yourself moment comes in an anecdote about Javanka going to meet with Cecile Richards of Planned Parenthood back in February. They wanted to see how they could use their lib-gay New York values to help keep the funding for the organization going, because they are #INFLUENCERSDAMMIT.

She and Jared went to see Richards in February for what Richards called an “explainer” on Planned Parenthood and the issues surrounding the organization. Ivanka went to the meeting thinking she might act as a kind of referee between the Republicans clamoring to de-fund Planned Parenthood and the organization itself. The meeting was cordial, according to a person familiar with it, although Ivanka and Jared did not commit to anything.

All good so far! Nice meeting, can we help? Yadda yadda yadda. It was all fun and games until Ivanka got a #idea:

When the first version of a health-care bill proposed to strip funding from Planned Parenthood, Ivanka’s surrogates reached out to the organization with an idea: stop offering abortions and the White House would advocate increased funding for Planned Parenthood clinics.

I ... just ... I ...

OK so though we are on the verge of keeling over dead right now from how stupid that is, we will attempt to ...

Like ... OK sure, fine, only three percent of Planned Parenthood's actual services are abortion, which is important to remind people who advocate murdering the whole organization over that One Little Thing. But abortion services are ACTUALLY REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT, IVANKA.

Like ...

How do they figure ...

Were Ivanka and Jared lying in bed one night when they came up with this bing bong of an idea? Were they perfunctorily fucking each other (like we imagine they do) and all of a sudden Vank was like "Jared. Jared. I just thought of One Weird Trick to save Planned Parenthood," and did Jared agree that it was a good One Weird Trick -- "maybe instead of abortions, you should show them your sweatshop shoe line, maybe they would like to sell that instead of abortions?" -- and then they like sort of orgasmed simultaneously because they had just made such a "good" business deal, in each other's pants?


Here are a few more quotes from the VF piece about how sad and pathetic J-Kush and Vank are, in case the Planned Parenthood anecdote didn't make you want to punch a hole in the wall:

They are in a new town that “punctures their self-esteem on a daily basis,” a New York friend of theirs told me.

Well, bless their hearts.

When I asked a longtime associate how Jared and Ivanka felt about their time in Washington, the first word uttered was “sacrificial.”


“Trump is emotionally dependent on his son-in-law and his daughter . . . but they can’t do anything for him,” said the Washington veteran. “All they can do is make him feel better about what his life has come to.”

Bless their MOTHERFUCKING HEARTS and also fuck President Daddy right in the ear. PFFFFFFFFFT, "what his life has come to." He's the goddamned president of the United States, and people are going to talk about "what his life has come to"? Back the fuck off.

Oh well, at least VF quotes somebody close to Jared 'n' Ivanka as saying they'll probably leave DC once the 2018 school year is over, so maybe we can cling to that thin strand of hope, just kidding, hope is dead now.

Have a fun open thread!

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[Vanity Fair]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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