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So I was reading things 'n' stuff on the internet (like I do) last week, and was greatly amused by the story of how a local Iowa politician -- a conservative one! -- lamented that being endorsed by the Koch brothers' Americans for Prosperity "was kind of like being endorsed by Charles Manson." My first reaction, of course, was sadness, a profound sorrow because I'll never be able to "elevate the conversation" as eloquently as that, even at Yer Wonkette, forever America's prudish convent of decorum. My second thought was, "What, did everyone run out of Hitler and Rosa Parks similes, so now we're moving along to Charles Manson?"


In which case, well, I approve. It would make internet vitriol a lot more hilarious if it were Manson this and Manson that, rather than Hitler Hitler Hitler. Better yet, wouldn't it be fascinating if the Koch guys really were like Charles Manson? What adventures they'd have! Won't you come and enjoy elevating the discussion with me?For one thing, blogging and/or reading endless, endless fucking things about the Koch brothers on the internet would be way more fun and interesting. Which of these two articles would you rather read: Koch Brothers Secretly Fund Another Fake Grassroots Group or David Koch Won't Be Prosecuted For Missing Ranch Hand's Death Unless Body Can Be Located. See what I mean? I can think of a few other possible scenarios:

  • Maid confused while dusting when the slipcover to Charles's beloved, well-thumbed first edition copy of Atlas Shrugged falls off, revealing the volume to actually be a disguised first edition copy of Robert Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land.
  • Manhattan murder scene investigators puzzled by grisly message scrawled in blood on the wall of victim's townhouse: aca piggy.
  • Charles explodes at his concierge: "Well why DOESN'T Lincoln make a chauffeur-driven dune buggy?
  • "And STOP calling me Sadie!" screams Liz Koch, slamming the door to punctuate the end of the spat.
  • Wall Street executives get increasingly uncomfortable during one of David's endless rants. "It's all there, man," he drones on and on, "in the White Album. The Beatles saw it all! The barrow in the marketplace, the barrow in the marketplace, the barrow in the marketplace...."
  • "No, no," chuckles Charles Koch to the massive Tea Party rally, "we would never ask you to drink the Kool-Aid. This," he gestures towards the communal troughs with his golden ladle, "is grape Flavor-Aid." [Editor's note: this bullet point appears to have switched places with an alternative universe version of this story, "What If Americans For Prosperity Were More Like The People's Temple". We regret the error.]
  • "Maybe you're right, Charles," David relents. "OK, let's NOT carve Reason's logo into our foreheads."

Seriously, just imagine how much more diverting reading David Weigel would be!

Next week: What If Richard Cohen Got So Old And Stupid That Nothing He Said Ever Mattered? Oh, wait, that one's been done to death. I'll come up with something else.

Cuddles 'n' hugs, Princess Sparkle Pony.

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We feel like we say this a lot during these dark days of the Trump era, but WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK DID WE JUST WATCH? And how in the hell can anyone who claims to give a shit about this country be OK with the public tongue-bath Donald Trump just gave Vladimir Putin on live TV?

The reviews are starting to roll in:

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Elon Musk, Space Trash Cowboy

Silicon Valley's most arrogant asswipe is not a baby, he just pays people to wipe his ass.

Everywhere Else News

STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES! Elon Musk has been wronged! Newspapers, throw away your front pages! TV talking heads, scrap your A and B bloc! Someone change the tickers in Times Square!

BREAKING NEWS: MAN CALLS ELON MUSK AN ASSHOLE!

When Vern Unsworth, the British cave explorer who helped rescue the trapped Thai soccer team, told CNN that Musk's mini-sub was a "PR Stunt" that had "absolutely no chance of working," he clearly wounded Musk's delicate constitution. But then Unsworth had to go a step further and tell Musk to "stick his submarine where it hurts."

Musk responded like a fucking adult by Tweeting that he never saw Unsworth when he flew to Thailand to personally deliver his mini-sub last week, adding, "Sorry Pedo guy, you really did ask for it."

"Pedo" -- short for "pedophile" -- seems a bit harsh and also a tiny bit libelous. This caused the Twitterverse to lose their minds and criticize Musk for being an asshole (again). Since Elon Musk is a gazillionaire with tons of free tweetin' time on his hands, he responded to his critics by doubling-down, "Bet ya a signed dollar it's true."

Musk later deleted the tweets and retreated to the relative safety of his secret moon base. Unsworth is now threatening to sue Musk, telling a Australian news outlet, "This is not finished. I think people realize what sort of guy he is."

The whole ordeal started started when Musk posted an unnecessarily dramatic video of a small submarine built out of a fuel pod used in one of the Space X rockets. The idea of stuffing a child in a tiny metal tube sounded amazing to fanboys, but a number of people immediately wondered if the hastily assembled claustrophobia simulator was ambi-turner.

Maybe Musk is just butthurt over all that money he was caught donating to Republican pacs? Maybe he's just venting after the NLRB said Musk violated labor laws when he discouraged Tesla workers from unionizing? Maybe we should change those front pages once again!

BREAKING NEWS: ELON MUSK STILL A BIG ASSHOLE.

[WSJ / NBC News / BBC / Business Insider]

Wonkette is ad-free and reader supported, and thinks Elon Musk should STFU.

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