What If The Koch Family Were (A Lot) More Like The Manson Family?

So I was reading things 'n' stuff on the internet (like I do) last week, and was greatly amused by the story of how a local Iowa politician -- a conservative one! -- lamented that being endorsed by the Koch brothers' Americans for Prosperity "was kind of like being endorsed by Charles Manson." My first reaction, of course, was sadness, a profound sorrow because I'll never be able to "elevate the conversation" as eloquently as that, even at Yer Wonkette, forever America's prudish convent of decorum. My second thought was, "What, did everyone run out of Hitler and Rosa Parks similes, so now we're moving along to Charles Manson?"

In which case, well, I approve. It would make internet vitriol a lot more hilarious if it were Manson this and Manson that, rather than Hitler Hitler Hitler. Better yet, wouldn't it be fascinating if the Koch guys really were like Charles Manson? What adventures they'd have! Won't you come and enjoy elevating the discussion with me?For one thing, blogging and/or reading endless, endless fucking things about the Koch brothers on the internet would be way more fun and interesting. Which of these two articles would you rather read: Koch Brothers Secretly Fund Another Fake Grassroots Group or David Koch Won't Be Prosecuted For Missing Ranch Hand's Death Unless Body Can Be Located. See what I mean? I can think of a few other possible scenarios:

  • Maid confused while dusting when the slipcover to Charles's beloved, well-thumbed first edition copy of Atlas Shrugged falls off, revealing the volume to actually be a disguised first edition copy of Robert Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land.
  • Manhattan murder scene investigators puzzled by grisly message scrawled in blood on the wall of victim's townhouse: aca piggy.
  • Charles explodes at his concierge: "Well why DOESN'T Lincoln make a chauffeur-driven dune buggy?
  • "And STOP calling me Sadie!" screams Liz Koch, slamming the door to punctuate the end of the spat.
  • Wall Street executives get increasingly uncomfortable during one of David's endless rants. "It's all there, man," he drones on and on, "in the White Album. The Beatles saw it all! The barrow in the marketplace, the barrow in the marketplace, the barrow in the marketplace...."
  • "No, no," chuckles Charles Koch to the massive Tea Party rally, "we would never ask you to drink the Kool-Aid. This," he gestures towards the communal troughs with his golden ladle, "is grape Flavor-Aid." [Editor's note: this bullet point appears to have switched places with an alternative universe version of this story, "What If Americans For Prosperity Were More Like The People's Temple". We regret the error.]
  • "Maybe you're right, Charles," David relents. "OK, let's NOT carve Reason's logo into our foreheads."

Seriously, just imagine how much more diverting reading David Weigel would be!

Next week: What If Richard Cohen Got So Old And Stupid That Nothing He Said Ever Mattered? Oh, wait, that one's been done to death. I'll come up with something else.

Cuddles 'n' hugs, Princess Sparkle Pony.


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