What If Trump Went To The G20 And Nobody Gave A Damn?
According to science, approximately 100% of the world that has access to internet spent this weekend wondering just how much of a fuckup Donald Trump would be at the G20 summit in Argentina. Would he wander off like a dementia patient? Well, of course. That's kind of his thing. It's funny because this time, he was supposed to be taking a picture with all the other world leaders, but instead he ran away like a baby and got caught on a hot mic saying "get me out of here," before being forced to wander back on stage for the photo-op.
One of the main stories of the event is that of Trump canceling or running away and hiding from meetings in Argentina. He didn't get to have an All By Myself meeting with Putin like he wanted. He canceled that because of quote unquote "Ukraine," but we all know the real reason is that he was coming to Argentina on the heels of yet another Robert Mueller guilty plea from Michael Cohen -- one that explicitly showed that he has been lying since the campaign about his business dealings with Russia, which by definition means Vladimir Putin has had something on Trump this whole time. Oh sure, they had a pull-aside meeting, and they reportedly talked about quote-unquote "Ukraine," and we bet Trump was super tough with Putin about that, you betcha.
In response to the cancellation of the official meeting, Russia has just been making fun of Trump, and Putin took the opportunity to portray himself as the grown-up in the room. The Daily Beast is snarking like a common Wonkette:
"It's a pity that we weren't able to have a real meeting. I think that one is really necessary. I hope that we can meet when the U.S. side is ready for it," he said, according to AFP, and making reference to Trump's announced intention to withdraw from the 1987 Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces (INF) Treaty.
"The questions that we have to discuss are very important. They are above all questions about strategic stability, questions about non-proliferation of weapons of mass destruction," Putin said, playing the long-suffering-and-reasonable leader who is being patient with the scandal problem plaguing his American counterpart.
Is this what it's like when America has been Made Great Again?
Trump didn't get to hang out with his son-in-law's best buddy Mohammed "Bone Saw" bin Salman so he could tell him America is cool with bone-sawing Washington Post reporters to death now, but MBS and Putin sure did get some time together:
WOO HOO, BUDDY! AIN'T NO AMERICA GONNA HOLD US ACCOUNTABLE FOR NONE OF THE MURDEROUS SHIT WE DO ANYMORE! DOES AMERICA EVEN EXIST NOW? LOL!
We are pretty sure that is what the expressions on MBS's and Putin's faces mean in that video.
One leader who actually said shit to MBS's face? French President Emmanuel Macron, who isn't weak and sad like Donald Trump is.
Trump was going to do a press conference on Saturday, but decided against it, giving the hilariously dishonest excuse that he canceled the presser because George H.W. Bush died. As Emily Post famously wrote, it is considered very rude for Donald Trump to make word salad at reporters so soon after an actual American president has died. (Yes, we know, 41 was very bad for many reasons. We also know this post isn't about that, therefore so should you.)
If anything good happened at the G20, it's that Trump wilted like a big loser bunch of Michelle Obama's spinaches when he actually met with Chinese President Xi Jinping, and decided to put his little Chinese trade war on hold. Yes, the "good thing" that happened is that Donald Trump is a fucking weak-sauce baby who folds under pressure. Trump reportedly whined that the news didn't cover his "good thing" very much, because they were all focused on Bush's death. Poor baby.
Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe congratulated Trump on his YOOGE SUCCESS in the midterms, which is funny because we guaran-damn-tee you Shinzo Abe is not such a moron that he thinks Trump got his ass anything other than creamed in the midterms. Abe just knows the best way to start conversations with Trump is to lie and say he's pretty.
Trump ceremonially signed his new trade deal with Mexico and Canada, which is known as "Not NAFTA," we think. Congress now has six months to approve "Not NAFTA" or tell Trump to get fucked.
The G19 -- you know, all the other countries that were there that don't include Trump's America, which is basically irrelevant now -- reaffirmed their commitments to the Paris Climate Agreement, but they did it in the strangest way, by stating in the G20's joint communique that everybody except the United States is on board with this, dunno what America's goddamn problem is. Other sections on refugees and trade also included side-eye at the United States, albeit less explicitly than the thing about climate change. Indeed, the entire negotiations over the joint communique were reportedly one long episode of America being a fucking pain in the ass and everybody else having to deal with it.
Anyway, now it's over and Trump is back in his Executive Time suite, yelling at clouds on Twitter. He's trying to brag about his performance at the G20, but nobody's paying attention. His most recent tweet, though, says what's really on his mind, and it's the Robert Mueller probe:
What, you don't remember the story of old "Scott Free," who was the first person to ever flip on a president and get a reduced sentence? You obviously don't know American history like Donald Trump does. Hey, did you know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican? A lot of people don't know that.
Anyway, we're still fucked, but at least Trump didn't shit himself on stage at the G20, that we know of.
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