HENGGGHHHHH?

There is many news to be had about Trump-Russia-Pee-Hooker-Gate, but here is a weird thing. Late Thursday night, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, who is in charge of overseeing the Russia investigation at the Justice Department, due to how Grandpappy Sessions is "recused," fired off a press release that said this:

"Americans should exercise caution before accepting as true any stories attributed to anonymous 'officials,' particularly when they do not identify the country - let alone the branch or agency of government - with which the alleged sources supposedly are affiliated. Americans should be skeptical about anonymous allegations. The Department of Justice has a long-standing policy to neither confirm or deny such allegations."

And the entire country said, "HUH?" Is the Washington Post sourcing all its stories from Kazakhstan, and if so, why? Rumors on the internets say that somebody, perhaps an American ally, is about to release something on Donald Trump, maybe even something that could be described as "urinary," but those are just rumors. (OR ARE THEY?)

The only news that came out last night that relied on anonymous "officials" is that special prosecutor Robert Mueller is now looking into boy prince Jared Kushner's business dealings, which is unsurprising. The Kushner family business is sleazy as fuck. But that story specifically says "U.S. officials" told them the news.

Maybe Rosenstein is just trying to protect Mueller's investigation, as we do seem to be getting quite a bit of news about it, especially as we learned this week that Donald Trump is FOR OFFICIAL under investigation for obstruction of justice. Maybe he's trying to put a veneer of "FAKE NEWS!" on top, so people will have a healthy skepticism about every salacious (pee) detail that leaks out of the investigation.

Maybe he was drunk and that's what Justice Department dorks do. Instead of drunk Facebooking, they write drunk memos and the next morning they are like "OH GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE I SENT THAT MEMO TO THE MEDIA, I AM SO EMBARRASSED."

Maybe he's trying to get the obsessive-compulsive orange thing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue off his dick, by releasing a statement saying "anonymous leaks are bad MMKAY?" Trump tweeted a thing Friday morning that seems to suggest he's annoyed with Rosenstein:

LOL Trump, nobody believes you fired James Comey because Rod Rosenstein told you to. Yes, he wrote that memo about how Comey bungled the Hillary email investigation, but go fuck yourself. You told Lester Holt on NBC that you were always going to fire Comey, and you used Rosenstein's memo as cover. It's OK to tell the truth once in a while, you know, even if you're admitting to obstructing justice.

Anyway, Rod Rosenstein's point is obviously that some foreign "officials" are about to release the pee tape, but don't believe everything you see in the fake news, even if it's Russia Pee Hookers doing a traditional Russian Pee Pee Dance for Donald Trump.

Honestly, we still don't know what the fuck Rosenstein is saying.

In other Russia news, Robert Mueller continues to staff his team with STELLAR individuals, including a new hire who specializes in investigating all the Russian organized crime that lives in Trump Tower (seriously). Also, Vice President Mike Pence has hired a REALLY GOOD lawyer (much better than the rent-a-hacks willing to defend Trump) to represent him in all matters pertaining to the Russia investigation. We don't know why he thought this was necessary, but maybe it has something to do with how he was supposedly SHOCK AND AWED to find out that disgraced former national security adviser Michael Flynn was a LITERAL ACTUAL FOREIGN AGENT, even though Rep. Elijah Cummings had sent him a letter to that effect way back in November. Maybe Mother just told Pence it would be a good idea.

The vice president’s office said Thursday that Pence has retained Richard Cullen, a Richmond-based lawyer and chairman of McGuireWoods who previously served as a U.S. attorney in the Eastern District of Virginia. [...]

His ... high-profile clients have included Tom DeLay, the former Republican majority leader who was investigated by the Department of Justice for his relationship with Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff; Elin Nordegren, the ex-wife of Tiger Woods, in her divorce from the golf star; and former senator Paul Trible (R-Va.), during the Iran-contra investigation.

See, we told you Pence's lawyer was better. Rachel Maddow reported Thursday night that just after Trump lawyered up, Pence started his own PAC for campaign fundraising. At the time people were like "Is this because he's pretty sure he's going to be the Republican candidate in 2020?" And the answer to that is still MAYBE PARTIALLY, but Rachel explained that Pence's lawyer is very expensive, but he's allowed to use his own personal fundraising cash to pay his legal fees. For the low, low price of "between $1,000 and $5,000," you can go to a Mike Pence fundraiser TONIGHT in Indianapolis, to contribute to his legal GoFundMe. Or you can stay home and shampoo your cat, which is probably much more thrilling.

Anyway, this post is over, so here is Rachel to tell you stories about Pence's lawyer:

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[CNN / Washington Post]