What Is Hillary Clinton Dying From Today?
Poor, sickly Hillary Clinton! Rarely is the question asked how Hillary is able to stick to her strenuous schedule of Benghazi-ing people with her emails while murdering a million Vince Fosters, when she's clearly dying of something. Or EVERYTHING. She might be dying of everything.
If you've been hanging out in the fever swamps of the wingnut internet, you might have seen the above picture of Hillary dying of "stairs." WHOA IF TRUE, and it must be true, because it was reported by some wingnut blog called The American Mirror:
The questionable health condition of Hillary Clinton should be a major issue of the 2016 campaign.
The latest evidence comes in the form of Clinton being helped up a set of stairs by multiple individuals outside what appears to be a home.
So obviously internet sinkhole The Drudge Report told the story accurately hahahaha lol just kidding:
Surely WorldNetDaily will correct the record:
OK. Well maybe Dead Breitbart's home for people who really shouldn't joke about people suddenly falling down dead will correct the record:
Reuters and Getty photographs captured Hillary Clinton, 68, struggling to make it up the stairs, either as a result of her fragile body or perhaps because her well-documented brain injuries make it harder for her to transport herself through daily life activities. The photos gained wide circulation on the Internet Sunday. The photos were taken in February as Clinton was campaigning in South Carolina.
At least they said it was in February! Oh, and that thing about Hillary's "well-documented brain injuries." What twats.
Loveys, we are going to blow your goddamn mind right now. Do you know which wingnut webtubes site actually corrected the record? TWITCHY, IT WAS TWITCHY, OH MY GOD ONE OF THEIR NINE PAID STAFFERS EARNED HER PAYCHECK TODAY:
If you’re on Twitter today, you’ve probably seen this old photo of Hillary Clinton making the rounds, the narrative being that her health is so bad that she can’t walk up stairs without help …
… but it’s not quite what it appears. According to CNN’s Brian Stelter, it’s a photo from February 24 in South Carolina and Hillary had just slipped when the photo was taken ...
Holy fucking titty-crackers, Twitchy told the truth. They couldn't help themselves from prickishly adding that "both candidates should release all their medical records," but everyone, do remember this day in history.
So, everything is good now and Hillary is not dying of "stairs," so we can go back to watching all the man-bulges on the Olympics, right?
Sadly, no. Because Donald Trump released a campaign video this weekend saying "Robot Hillary" is "melting down" because she has "short-circuited," and oh god we don't even know:
RIP Hillz, tough break.
Pharma douche Martin Shkreli is not a scientist, but he says Hillary has Parkinson's, because duh, did you see her in this video, being silly with reporters?
Clinton, seemingly startled by us reporters, says "try the cold Chai" when asked if she discussed VPs with Warren. pic.twitter.com/oiCD5hoE0h
— Hannah Chanpong (@hannahfc) June 10, 2016
STOP MAKING FUN OF MARTIN SHKRELI, he says he's seen lots of videos like this, where Hillary does Parkinson's to the camera:
The stupidest homosexual on the internet, Jim Hoft, also posted that video at the end of July, with this insightful analysis:
The poor woman is in worse shape than we thought.
Hillary Clinton has seizure on camera.
Or maybe it was something else?
WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!
God, that illiterate fucking man, what is he even saying? Hoft followed up with a couple tweets from stupid people about how maybe the video isn't evidence of Parkinson's or seizures, but rather Satan leaving Hillary's body. Obviously.
Are we done with this post yet, or is Hillary dying of more things? OF COURSE she is dying of more things. Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, what kind of brain turds are you pulling out of your pooter-cavern today?
Hillary looks like a dying woman. [...]
She looks like she’s in bad shape. She’s got holes in her tongue, she looks like she’s got, I’m sorry, Down syndrome whenever she’s out there with the balloons falling, like she’s a three-year old with a lobotomy. What’s going on with Hillary?
His very smart guest Roger Stone said she probably had a stroke, because why not?
So, Down syndrome, Parkinson's, a stroke, Robot Hillary melting down, Bad At Stairs ... what else? Let's just let Dave Weigel finish this post for us, by telling us about an idiot self-help author and his overarching theory that Hillary's brain is broken like a common Ben Carson brain:
Mike Cernovich, a self-help author best known as the attorney for a central figure in the "Gamergate" saga, seized on the speculation about Clinton to ask if Clinton traveled with a private doctor. [...]
Cernovich's speculation started with an incident from last week, when Clinton was campaigning in Las Vegas. Mid-speech, she paused and narrowed her eyes to look at protesters. Secret Service Assistant Special Agent in Charge Todd Madison rushed to her side, telling her that the situation was under control, and that she could keep talking.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/605190/whos-better-at-handling-big-scary-protesters-hillary-or-trump-spoiler-it-is-hillary"></a>[/wonkbar]Yeah, we told you about that video, in our side-by-side comparison of Hillary reacting like a goddamned adult to protesters, whereas Doanld Trump queens out like an extra from The Birdcage.
Here it is:
Back to the brilliant GamerGate lawyer Cernovich, as reported by Weigel:
To Cernovich, it was clear that Clinton was "completely frozen" and "lost control of her executive functions/pre-frontal cortex." She actually riffed on the protesters, telling them to protest Donald Trump's sons, who are proud hunters.
But in a follow-up post, Cernovich speculated that Madison was not in fact a Secret Service agent, but a medical professional who must be around her at all times.
Weigel points out that, contra Cernovich's theory, pharma-douche Shkreli said on Twitter and to Alex Jones that the fake Secret Service agent slash medical professional brought Hillary "an Apokyn pen, used to treat Parkinson’s," because why not. So which is it, you paste-fellating trashfires? WHAT IS SHE REALLY DYING OF?
Wonkette knows, because we are part of the conspiracy, but we shan't tell, because fuck you all for making us write this post.