WONKETTE LISTICLE: What Is Impeachment Like, According To Dumb GOP Idiots?
Hey, kids, welcome to the Simile Workshop! Today, we'll be discussing what the impeachment of Donald Trump is like. The nice Republicans in Congress have some very interesting analogies for this here constitutional process, and they are every bit as good as all the things they found to compare Barack Obama to, although mostly that was Hitler. And also sometimes the unfortunate prewar British prime minister, Neville Longbottom-Chamberlain.
1. Impeachment Is Like A Witch Trial
Donald Trump himself explained, in his hallucinatory postmodern art project of a letter to Nancy Pelosi, that his impeachment is a lot like the Salem Witch Trials, except for how "More due process was afforded to those accused in the Salem Witch Trials" than he has received. Buzzfeed News notes that didn't sit well with the present mayor of Salem, Massachusetts, no not at all:
Also, we should note that no testimony by ghosts, demons, or familiars was taken by either the Intelligence or Judiciary committees.
2. Impeachment Is Like The Sufferings Of Our Lord Christ Jesus
Rep. Barry Loudermilk (R-Georgia), the successor to Rep. Barry Quietermilk, explained how even Pontius Pilate let Jesus confront the whistleblower.
We should add, however, that Jesus never claimed his apostles had constitutional immunity, and certainly never hinted darkly that China ought to investigate Joe Biden.
Later in the day, Rep Fred Keller (R-Pennsylvania), said he'd be praying for the Democrats who have nailed up Donald Trump to die on the Cross, or at least face a rigged five-minute trial in the Senate. And he invoked Jesus Himself, who said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."
And then he asked the Dems if they think his friend, Biggus Dickus, has a funny name.
3. Impeachment Is Like Pearl Harbor
Rep. Mike Kelly (R-Pennsylvania) kept his analogy nice and simple: Lots of stuff happens in December, and Pearl Harbor is one of them. And like the surprise attack on the US Navy base there, impeachment is also bad.
In addition to Christmas being something we celebrate, the Boston Tea Party took place in December, but also on December 7, 1941, a horrific act happened in the United States. And this one that President Roosevelt said, 'This is a date that will live in infamy.' Today, December the 18th, 2019, is another date that will live in infamy[.]
Indeed, and just as the American aircraft carriers were all out at sea when the Imperial Japanese Navy attacked Pearl Harbor, the Republican majority in the Senate will no doubt emerge victorious when Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi try to attack Midway Island.
4. ACTUALLY, Impeachment Is Like Some Shit We Know All Too Well
We'll close with what may be the best analogy of all, although it doesn't come from House Republicans, and it's not from today. (This is a real analogy, unlike the preceding examples.) A few days ago, American University professor Ibram X. Kendi, noting that Republicans in the Senate have given up any pretense of impartiality, explained,
This impeachment trial is becoming like a Jim Crow trial. Deep down everyone knows everything. Everyone knows the racist defendant is guilty. Everyone knows the all-White jury is going to quickly acquit. Everyone knows the exonerated defendant will continue to break the law.
That's about the shape of it, all right.
Or maybe, as the great cartoonist Sam Gross put it in his own take on the story of the blind man and an elephant, the truth comes from the guy a few yards behind the elephant: Impeachment is soft and mushy.
And while Evan, and later Yr Dok Zoom, will keep liveblooging this mother till the cows come home to Devin Nunes, this is also your OPEN THREAD.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.