Every Monday it feels like we come back to the same place during the reign of Donald Trump, as we are forced to catalogue all the things that have made the president of the United States whiny and sad over the weekend. (OK, we are not forced. This is still America, and Wonkette does this because we are proud to be an American, where at least we know we're free ... to mock the everloving FUCK out of that loser.)

The point is the president is having a lot of feelings right now, so if everybody could please raise your right index finger and point it in his general direction while you laugh, we'll get started.

He's upset about his North Korea #FailSummit2019, and he's admitting that he's just too stupid and thin-skinned to do a good summit when his former lawyer is back there in America spilling all Trump's crime secrets to Congress.

Allow us to gloat for a few words, because we called it. When we watched Trump announce his failure in Hanoi, we called it. The next morning in the Wonkette chatcave, we called it. We just knew that if Trump had boned his summit, it was probably because he stayed up all night rage-bitching about Michael Cohen's testimony, and instead of hiding that shameful fact, he's admitting it on Twitter.

Jesus Christ.

At least half of Trump's whine tweets this weekend were about Cohen. He whined that Cohen had written the manuscript for a book -- you know, back before Cohen started telling the truth -- and claimed that manuscript was a "total love letter" to President Shit-Giggles. By Saturday, he had convinced himself that manuscript had been "released." He whined on Sunday that Cohen's testimony "proved No Collusion," which it actually did not. (Cohen's extended hours behind closed doors last week with the House Intelligence Committee, which are continuing this week, would suggest perhaps he's spilling some secrets about NO COLLUSION.)

He whined about Adam Schiff. And he whined some more about "presidential harassment," a term he made up a while back for what happens when a credibly accused sexual predator and criminal who currently serves as president of the United States is subject to oversight by Congress.

God, he's full of shit. Anyway, Trump was probably upset that House Judiciary Committee chair Jerry Nadler announced Sunday that, in light of Michael Cohen's testimony, he'd be requesting documents from "over 60" (turns out the final tally was 81!) people and entities in Trump's orbit, and you know what happens if those dickweasels don't cooperate? IT'LL BE SUBPOENA-THIRTY, ASSHOLES!

Trump's weekend of whining was extra special, because not only did he get to cry on Twitter, he got to use the losers in the CPAC audience as free therapists for like two hours! This is weird to us, because what even is CPAC? It didn't trend much on Twitter, so it's kinda sad Trump even showed up.


Anyway, Trump bellyached for two hours, and we've said it before, but we must restate that if your dad wandered onstage at a random hotel in the trash-burbs of Maryland out by the outlet mall and rambled for two hours about how everybody is out to get him, you'd call his neurologist.

And if he dry-humped the American flag like this, you'd also probably call a haz-mat team:

Wonkette summarized the whole affair here, so no need to rehash it all, but suffice it to say Trump is still upset about his puny inauguration crowd size; he's now lying and saying he was "joking" when he asked the Russians to hack Hillary Clinton's emails (which they jokingly tried to do that very night!); he thinks Robert Mueller's prosecutors are "killers" and that one of them used to run the Clinton Foundation; he thinks women in Mexico are giving their daughters literal fistfuls of birth control (because that's how birth control works) because of all the raping; and he said EVERYTHING IS "BULLSHIT," OK? IT'S BULLSHIT! THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS TAKING HIS GOLD-PLATED TOYS AND GOING HOME, BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS BULLSHIT!

Oh yeah, and he -- bless his stupid fucking useless hopeless irredeemable irreparable heart -- told CPAC he still doesn't understand how Democrats saw right through his transparently obstructive decision to fire James Comey. He even told Melania how awesome his good idea to fire Comey was, but then everybody got mad at his good idea and DID WE MENTION EVERYTHING IS BULLSHIT?

"I said Melania, I'm doing something today, I'm doing it because it really has to be done ... he's a bad, bad guy, that's been proven now with all of the emails," Trump said. "I said to the first lady, I said, 'but you know the good news, the good news is that this is going to be so bipartisan, everyone's going to love it' -- so we fired Comey."


We miss having a president who didn't have a toddler meltdown every eight seconds. Can we make sure our next president is all growned up?

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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