What Is This, Devin Nunes? A Farm For ANTS?

Honestly, you guys, we are starting to get worried about Devin Nunes and any bovine organisms who may or may not be in his thrall right now. And when we say "worried," we are saying it in that insincere southern way, where mostly we are saying we are "worried" so that we may politely talk shit without anyone thinking we are a gossip, the good Lord forbid.

He's been suing imaginary internet cows. He's been suing his own constituents for calling him a fake farmer and signing petitions against him and saying they'll pray for him. His own Republican counterparts, at least some of them, don't seem to know what to do with him, bless his heart.

And now it kinda sounds like the poor thing is trying to prove against all available evidence that he IS TOO a real farmer, just look at this worthless non-income-producing $15,000 plot of land he owns:

For the first time in more than a decade, Rep. Devin Nunes is reporting that he owns a stake in a farm.

The new disclosure comes a year after Democratic groups accused Nunes, R-Tulare, of being a "fake farmer" and unsuccessfully challenged his description of himself as a farmer on California ballots.

Nunes, R-Tulare, reported on a newly released financial disclosure form that he owns a Tulare County farm that generates no income for him and is worth less than $15,000.


Of course, the Nunes family got rid of all its dairy farmland in Tulare County, California, the area Nunes represents, about a decade ago. It is in Iowa now. And it is weeeeeird.

But anyway, the Sacramento Bee reports that Nunes has never in the past actually claimed farmland in his financial disclosures, going all the way back to 2007. But now suddenly he has just under $15,000 worth of "farm" in Tulare County, which either means he has new "farm," or he's always had "farm" and has failed to mention it. (And no, for the last time, dear readers, we don't know if Devin Nunes has ever E-I-E-I-O-ed a cow in the biblical sense on that farm, all we know is that he used to have a dairy cow named "Gem," and that he's always been real stupid.)

"Either he had a tiny stake in this farm all along and he's been improperly filing financial disclosures, or he bought a tiny, tiny farm this year in order to protect his reputation as a farmer in his district," [according to Delaney Marsco, legal counsel on ethics for the nonpartisan watchdog group Campaign Legal Center.]

The Sac Bee looked up the property records for the Nunes family, and found no new purchases. And they also looked at his financial disclosures to see if somebody had given Nunes "farm" as a present and didn't find anything, but did note that if "farm" isn't producing income, then it wouldn't have to be disclosed. (WHAT A DUMB "FARM" THAT WOULD BE.)

Let's find out more information about "farm":

The U.S. Department of Agriculture defines a farm as "any place from which $1,000 or more of agricultural products were produced and sold, or normally would have been sold, during the year." Nunes does not list what type of product is produced on his farm.

Love. His farm produces love. ALLEGEDLY.

"That's either the tiniest farm we've seen or it's poor acreage," said Mike Lynch, a veteran Democratic political strategist long based in the San Joaquin Valley, who wondered if the amount listed might be a typo. "I've never heard of farmland that cheap."

That doesn't sound like much "farm." The Sacramento Bee fucked up originally and said that based on its estimates, under $15,000 worth of "farm" would be about 100 square feet. What is that, Devin, a farm for ANTS? Because we don't think very many cows can comfortably fit in 100 square feet, unless they are millennial cows who are into tiny house living and having tufts of cow armpit hair that they "wash" with patchouli.

But no matter, because like we said, the Sacramento Bee FUCKED UP. (This is what happens when you let people with zero real estate knowledge write about real estate.) Turns out their calculations were based on the average price per square foot of a house in Tulare County ($150), which is not the same thing as the average price of farmland. (Jesus, guys, no shit.)

They did end up finding some useful information about Tulare County farmland, eventually:

In Tulare County, cropland values ranged from a low of $15,000 to almost $30,000 per acre in 2017, according to the American Society of Farm Managers and Rural Appraisers. Its annual report attributed the wide difference in values to whether the property relies on wells or has access to another water source. Current real estate listings in Tulare did not show any farm or ranch land available for as little as $15,000 an acre.

We don't know much about land in Tulare County, but a basic search of all different types of land shows us 53 acres for $1,060,000 and 80 acres for $250,000 and some shit that just looks like residential lots for under $50,000. We can say with certainty, though, that the stuff available for under $15,000 doesn't bring to mind pictures of Devin Nunes in a pair of overalls singing "Green Acres is the place to be" to a coterie of flirty cows, which makes sense, because Wonkette is not aware of any reason farmland in Tulare County should make us imagine Devin Nunes in such a situation.

But OK sure whatever, FARMER DEVIN.

Nice "farm" you got there, if "farm" is even its real name.

Dumb fucker.


[Sacramento Bee]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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