What Kid Wouldn't Love Dan Crenshaw's Book About The Singing Hippo Who Murdered Cancel Culture?

If you are like most people who read Wonkette, you are obviously concerned about cancel culture and probably need a good children's book to remind you how not to do cancels. So you'll be glad to know GOP Rep. Dan Crenshaw, one of the dumbest guys in the whole Congress, has written a children's book about justthat. He wrote it in conjunction with "BRAVE Books," so you'll pardon us if we don't assume he came up with most of these ideas on his own.

Here is the synopsis of Fame, Blame, and the Raft of Shame, according to the publisher:

Deep in the ocean, Starlotte City blooms beneath a dome made of glowing seaweed. The city's beauty and strength are mirrored by its vibrant culture, and Eva wants nothing more than to take her place on Starlotte City's stage. But, when one star performer suggests that they ought to cancel some animals for insensitive comments, the true strength of the seaweed city and its citizens is put to the test.

Will Eva have the courage to stand up to the crowds, or will she allow fear to silence herself and others?

OK wait. There are sample pictures, so let's figure this out. That up there, that's the cover. We are guessing Eva is the character at the front, who appears to be a hippopotamus drag queen? Oh wait, probably not a drag queen, these are books for bigots. Is Eva one of the animals who said insensitive comments? What did she say?

It would appear, according to this picture, that a skunk also said insensitive comments, about Mr. Mountain Lion, and they are going to make him do the Raft of Shame inside the whirlpool FOREVER. (You know, like all cancel cultures tend to go.)

We hate to be the "people who can read" in Dan Crenshaw's punch bowl, but "Mr. Mountain Lion," whose feelings got so terribly hurt, appears to be ... Dan Crenshaw. Who did in fact whine and cry and demand an apology from that one Saturday Night Live guy for "telling not particularly funny joke about Dan Crenshaw." Does Mr. Mountain Lion — again, that is definitely Dan Crenshaw! — apologize to that poor be-rafted skunk, we hope? Does he remember that he did that thing that he is now writing children's books decrying? Probably not, that guy's stupid and a dick!

Later in the excerpts, specifically the sections at the end where there are activities and lessons, Crenshaw explains that we have to save Starlotte City from "Swan," so we're guessing that's the mean one who won't even let the animals use racial slurs or whatever, who the fuck knows what conservative books are about.

Like we said, though, there are activities at the back of the book, like the Get Me Off This Raft challenge, where one kid has to get canceled and beg all the others to please uncancel them instead of letting them ... die on the raft forever?

Great, all this is just super normal. And healthy!

The publishing page for the book explains:

While today's culture presents canceling others' opinions as the solution to their problems, they don't realize that a culture of canceling eventually cancels culture entirely.

That's right, when people face accountability for being racist/misogynistic/homophobic/otherwise bigoted, that cancels culture entirely.

This book is the fourth in a series, by the way. Dan Crenshaw didn't write the first three. The idea appears to be that one heroic children's book will come out per month, each one about something grown-ups who watch "Fox & Friends" cry and shit their pants a lot over. And each one will have some sort of hero conservative guest author.

It's like the Dolly Parton Imagination Library, but for deplorables.

For example, there's the first book, Elephants Are Not Birds, which is about (you guessed it) rightwing freakouts over transgender people. It was written by Ashley St. Clair, whose claim to fame appears to be that she's a minor pro-Trump idiot and former Turning Point USA idiot who once ended up on the wrong side of a white supremacist controversy from Charlie Kirk.

You see, in that book:

Culture the Vulture convinces Kevin that his ability to sing is one that only birds have, so logically this means that he is a bird. The lies and logic from Culture the Vulture parallel what our culture is attempting to feed the youth of today. The story Elephants Are Not Birds arrives at a similar conclusion society will arrive at when it comes to the idea of gender identity, boys are not girls and elephants are not birds.

Fucking Culture the Vulture, making Kevin the Elephant think he is a literal bird, Jesus Christ.

Hahahaha oh my God.

Book two, it's called Little Lives Matter, and it's some dumbass anti-abortion rigamarole.

BRAVE Books and Elizabeth Johnston have partnered together to tackle the topic of Sanctity of Life in our story Little Lives Matter, which tells the story of Momma Bear and her beloved son Mobi. Mobi is born with only one front paw which makes motherhood and Mobi's development even more difficult than it would have been. However, Momma Bear won't give up on Mobi even when Culture the Vulture offers her an easier life.

Holy shit, what does Culture the Vulture do this time? Offer to just murder the baby bear with the missing paw? We are just curious.

And then of course there's Island of the Free Ice Cream by Jack Posobiec, because why wouldn't there be? That one is about communism. BRAVE Books promises future books on Critical Race Theory and guns and "the importance of family," which we imagine is some kind of code for woodland creatures not being forced to bake cakes for homosexual weddings, and God knows what else.

Here, let the loser who started BRAVE Books explain why his kids have to read these shitty books instead of normal books:


Oh yeah, also you can buy merch that says "I AM BRAVE" all over it, because as we all know, if you have to say it out loud a whole bunch, it's definitely true.

Any kids whose parents force these crap books on them are going to end up with so many therapy bills, bless their hearts.


[BRAVE Books]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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