Hi, Uncle MagaStupid and Aunt Grandma Cousin! Has Fox News told you that the CDC has been lying about the official coronavirus death tally, or that the death count has just been chopped in half, which means COVID-19 is no worse than a butt pimple, which means you should definitely be allowed to go eat trans fat sundaes and rub your unwashed Trump stink all over the Walmart?

Well, we hate to break it to you — snotty-ass liberals, always breaking things to you! — but Fox News lied to your face and you, an idiot, believed them, like you always do.

The CDC is not doing much during the COVID-19 pandemic, at least by all appearances, and that is fucking disturbing. Rachel Maddow has been devoting entire segments to the question of "CDC, ARE YOU OK????" Meanwhile, pandemic expert Laurie Garrett — who is honestly the number one person you should be listening to right now — had this to say to Frank Bruni in the New York Times this weekend about how MIA the CDC is right now:

"I've heard from every C.D.C. in the world — the European C.D.C., the African C.D.C., China C.D.C. — and they say, 'Normally our first call is to Atlanta, but we ain't hearing back.' There's nothing going on down there. They've gutted that place. They've gagged that place. I can't get calls returned anymore. Nobody down there is feeling like it's safe to talk. Have you even seen anything important and vital coming out of the C.D.C.?"

How utterly horrifying. Make America Great Again was literally a code phrase for the planned, intentional collapse of this country.

But one thing the CDC has managed to get done during the pandemic is that it's updating its website on a regular basis, and that is the source for the new (very stupid, even stupider than usual) conspiracy theory.

As you might imagine with disinformation spreading like a rapidly growing ass lesion infestation, this started with Dinesh D'Souza:


Did that happen? Hahahahahahahahahaha not no, but hell no. The deranged convicted (now pardoned by a criminal) felon is citing a web page that debunks Dinesh D'Souza's conspiracy right there on that very web page.

There is a chart that shows "total deaths" in America from coronavirus at 38,576, which is indeed far lower than the 69,022 shown in the official figures (which are themselves an undercount). Elsewhere on the CDC website, it lists 65,735 deaths. So what is going on here? Why is the CDC doing the Deep States to Donald Trump like this?

Well, if you look at the printed words directly below the table D'Stupid cites, there are these words:

NOTE: Number of deaths reported in this table are the total number of deaths received and coded as of the date of analysis and do not represent all deaths that occurred in that period. The United States population, based on 2018 postcensal estimates from the U.S. Census Bureau, is 327,167,434.

*Data during this period are incomplete because of the lag in time between when the death occurred and when the death certificate is completed, submitted to NCHS and processed for reporting purposes. This delay can range from 1 week to 8 weeks or more, depending on the jurisdiction, age, and cause of death.

Oh, so this is a (VERY) lagging number. Again, that's directly below the chart. And because the body bags are piling up so fucking fast because of Trump Disease, it's gonna remain a lagging number, while the death certificates catch up, at least on this chart. (The other CDC chart counts the deaths in the usual way, which is why its number is up in the 60s.)

This is remarkably simple, like even people as apparently brain damaged as Donald Trump could (maybe) understand it (if you gave him the whole day to work through it and possibly offered him meaty treats as a reward for staying on-task).

Speaking of the Trump family and its brains:

Yep.

As Media Matters reports, Laura Ingraham — a human being who used to bone Dinesh D'Souza on purpose — also decided to #JustAskQuestions on Sunday:

The explanation is read the fucking website your goddamned self, you flaming bag of shit.

Because this conspiracy theory is taking off, the CDC seems to have appended the following note to the very top of the page, where even dumb motherfuckers like Dinesh D'Souza and Laura Ingraham can see it:

Note: Provisional death counts are based on death certificate data received and coded by the National Center for Health Statistics as of May 4, 2020. Death counts are delayed and may differ from other published sources (see Technical Notes). Counts will be updated periodically. Additional information will be added to this site as available.

The CDC didn't add "you dense assholes," but if they wanted to, that would be fine.

Media Matters reports that wingnut actor idiot Kevin Sorbo and his idiot wife Sam Sorbo spread this shit this weekend on "Fox & Friends." (They said A LOT of braindead shit on "Fox & Friends" this weekend.) John Cardillo, who is some kind of lesser wingnut blue checkmark, we are not really sure, said this on Twitter:

The website literally says "this is about the lag times." It's right there, and most of the words they use aren't even more than two syllables.

Because there is no abjectly stupid thing Jim Hoft, AKA the Stupidest Man On The Internet, won't latch on to like a fly on fresh dogshit, here is the headline from Jim's brother Joe at the Gateway Pundit:

We checked the Twitter feeds of D'Souza and Ingraham to see if they had issued corrections or uploaded videos of them slapping themselves in the face and berating themselves while asking how they could possibly be such awful, useless, soulless, stupid people.

Didn't find any of those things. Don't expect to.

In summary and in conclusion, we will never get over the fact that Laura Ingraham used to bone Dinesh D'Souza on purpose, and not because some kind of evil wizard said she had to, to save her family from a curse or something. Wait, that wasn't the point of this blog post, was it? Oh well, is now.

OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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