What The Fuck Is Happening With The Brett Kavanaugh FBI Investigation?

Hey kids, what the fuck is happening with the Brett Kavanaugh FBI investigation? Hahahaha, no, we asked YOU! Ungrateful bastards expect Wonkette to do all the work around here ...

OK fine, we will say you the news, and it is that the investigation is still bullshit, like it's been the whole time, even after Donald Trump said he would let the FBI do whatever investigation it needs to, which was 48 hours ago, which was 72 hours after the investigation started:

On Tuesday, Mitch McConnell said on the Senate floor, during one of his now daily Two Minutes Hate-Yodelin' sessions in defense of Brett Kavanaugh The Probably Sexual Predator, that the FBI might be able to conclude its supplemental investigation into Brett Kavanaugh's Probable Sex Crimes by today. We figured he was talking out his turtle butthole, but it turns out word was indeed coming that the FBI is getting close to being done with its sham investigation, and only 48 hours ahead of schedule! Such efficient, many CHOP CHOP!

Last night, Brian Williams reported, on his MSNBC show "I Still Have An MSNBC Show Even Though All This Network's Viewers Hate Me a Lot," that he had talked to a source inside the FBI who said the bureau hasn't been given the resources it needs for this investigation, that they're having to turn away witnesses (some of whom are likely standing at the gate saying "HEY, ME TOO, ASSHOLES"), and that in general, they are not happy Deep Staters.

We could see this in reports last night about the following:

  • There are seemingly no plans to interview Christine Blasey Ford or Brett Kavanaugh. As for the former, she'd probably just HYPNOTIZE them and pretend like she's SCARED OF PLANES again, and as for the latter, he'd probably start crying again if they asked him to take a polygraph, because of how guilty he is (allegedly). Hey, remember when Aunt Lydia finished her interrogation of Dr. Blasey by saying a public testimony in the Senate is actually not the best way to interview a victim of sexual violence?
  • The FBI interviewed Kavanaugh accuser Debbie Ramirez, but according to her attorney John Clune, they haven't reached out to any of the TWENTY PLUS witnesses Ramirez referred them to, who could help corroborate her account.
  • Remember Elizabeth Rasor, Mark Judge's ex-girlfriend from college? She has signed a sworn statement saying that Judge told her regretfully, in a conversation about when they each lost their virginity, about the time in high school he and some buddies (maybe including Brett Kavanaugh?) took turns having sex with a drunk girl. He said he thought it was consensual, but when you take that in tandem with the other accounts we're hearing, we highly doubt it was.

But no matter. We're hearing that maybe the Kavanaugh report might be signed, sealed and delivered for the senators as soon as tonight! Or even this afternoon! Senators reportedly support the idea of a public "summary" being released, which will obviously say nothing, so, again, you know that shit gon' leak.

In lieu of a real investigation, journalists continue to do the work. The New York Timesbroke news last night about Bart O'Kavanaugh AKA Brett Kavanaugh AKA the guy who just couldn't confirm or deny in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee that he was the drunkass "Bart" referred to in his BFF Mark Judge's book about being an alcoholic. Mollie Hemingway, who distinguishes herself as one of the very few people in America who is stupider than the dead skin Donald Trump leaves on his toilet bowl during Executive Time, previewed the news yesterday at The Federalist:

PARTY PLANNING. That's right, the mean New York Times was on its way with a story about Brett Kavanaugh's PARTY PLANNING. Oh man, those Democrats will stop at nothing!

But sure, what the fuck, let's all huff paint with Mollie Hemingway and see what kind of PARTY PLANNING Brett Kavanaugh did back in the early '80s, according to a letter he sent his douchebros as they prepared for BEACH WEEK.

Whoever arrived first at the condo should "warn the neighbors that we're loud, obnoxious drunks with prolific pukers among us."

Cool. Whatever. "Prolific puker." Kavanaugh did say in his yearbook that he was in the "Beach Week Ralph Club," but UH OH, he lied to the Senate and said it was because POOR LITTLE POOKY has such a very weak stomach.

Here's the second page of the letter, as printed by NYT:

Girls are invited to stay, and will be welcomed with open DOT DOT DOT. We assume he meant Bibles. Welcomed with open Bibles. Definitely not anything involving Quaaludes.

And awwww, he signed it "Bart." Because that was his high school nickname, after a teacher at Georgetown Prep fucked up his name and it stuck, and everybody knows that, including Bart!

NYT shares more details of Judge Shitface and his Shitfaced ways, including that he and his friends literally had a goal of finishing 100 kegs in a year (100 Kegs or Bust! as his yearbook says). You can also read about the boys' special unofficial school newspaper, where they kept track of their kegs and wrote of girls at Holton Arms (where Christine Blasey Ford went) that all you need is a library card to get freaky-deaky with a "Holton Hosebag."

As charming as all this is, we must remind you that most of this is not the point, but is rather related to the point, on two counts. Materially it's important because reports indicate that he's sexually assaulted a couple few women, but he swears to Jesus he hasn't. If he was a blackout drunk in high school and college, it's entirely possible he was mostly a sexual assaulter during thosse drunk times, and didn't remember it either the morning after or 30 years later in front of Congress. It also opens up questions about whether or not he might still have a drinking problem, because hello, everyone, have you seen his skin?

The other point is that it's more than fucking clear at this point that Brett Kavanaugh lied to the Senate, fucking constantly, about all this little shit, and about bigger shit too. He lied about his drinking, he lied about his Beach Weeking and his boofing and his Devil's ... triangulating? ... and basically, if his tiny butthole mouth was puckering, he was lying. Senators like Jeff Flake have claimed they care about things like that.

Anyway, this guy is really fucking charming, so we expect him to be cleared of all charges, past, present and future, by this evening, so we're going to assume he'll be hosting a UB40 boof kegger this weekend at his house to celebrate.

Don't drink the punch, ladies!

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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