What The Hell Do These Anti-Mask People Think Our Endgame Is Here?

Conspiracy Theories

It is clear, from the numerous town halls coming out of various parts of Florida, from the ragegasms in grocery stores and coffee shops across the nation, that the Right believes that those of us on the Left are up to something extremely nefarious with these mask orders. They're so scared to wear masks that they're out there, printing and laminating their cards from the Freedom To Breathe Association and claiming that they are legally exempt from wearing masks because of the ADA (not a thing!), they're screaming at people they do not know, they are going to town halls and screaming like weirdos about how we are trying to muzzle them like mad dogs and honestly, they might not even be drunk.

I mean. It seems like he's drunk, we'd all like to hope that he's super drunk, but that could also just be what he's like completely sober. No one can tell. This is the new Poe's Law.


Just like how, if we were not living in Hell World, we would just say "Oh, clearly this lady screaming in a Trader Joe's about how her 'breathing problem' means she can't wear a mask is on meth, or is otherwise off. Maybe it's valium rage? It kind of seems like valium rage."

But no. It's just a regular-ass white lady screaming in a Trader Joe's about how he has a breathing problem that means she can't wear a mask, and yet is not at all worried about a virus that attacks the respiratory system.

It's hard to really grasp what their actual issue is. Even if, as they seem to believe, the masks are unnecessary and the pandemic isn't as bad as the media is making it out to be, the absolute worst case scenario there is that they wore a mask for a while and didn't really have to. The worst case scenario if they are wrong, however, is that it turns out that they are an asymptomatic carrier and they infect someone after screaming at them, and then that person dies.

I am willing to entertain the possibility that anything could be possible, but it sure does seem as though cases in areas where people don't want to wear masks have shot up pretty significantly, while areas where people are wearing masks are experiencing a decline in COVID-19 cases.

The main thing it seems these anti-mask people all agree on is that we (the Left) are using the mask orders as a ploy — not to keep asymptomatic carriers of COVID-19 from infecting people — but as a way to take away their "freedoms." Some think it is so we can do 5G things to them, some think it is part of our plan to force them all to accept the Mark of The Beast, some think it is just because we get off on making them unhappy, and some think it is all of those things, plus other things that are equally stupid.

And yet, they have not gotten around to telling us what is actually supposed to be in it for us. I think it is only fair, if they are going to go around accusing us of being up to something nefarious, that they tell us exactly what it is that we are after.

So I have some questions.

First of all — this seems like an incredible amount of effort on our part for zero payoff. We institute totally unnecessary mask mandates across the country, encourage social distancing and what? Cui bono? Who benefits? Big Mask?

I am also very curious about how I, a person who does not believe in God and therefore does not believe in Satan, would personally stand to benefit from these people accepting the Mark of the Beast. Do I get money? Do I get to wear a tiara? Can I be queen? Can I play Lola in a production of Damn Yankees?

Whatever Lola Wants, Damn Yankees. www.youtube.com


Are we just like ... cartoon characters who have no actual endgame other than doing general evil? Are we Gargamel? Do we harvest their freedoms and do some kind of alchemy with them that allows us to become immortal?

These guy thinks we're using some kind of energy that is produced to cast evil spells ...


But if that's true, then why don't I know what the spells are, huh? Heck, I don't even know why we're casting them or what we intend to accomplish by doing so.

What is it that we're supposed to even be doing once we use the masks to take their freedoms? Do we use our newfound power to force them to live in a brutal hellscape where everyone has healthcare and a secure job with vacation time, police don't get to go around killing random Black people, we stop fighting stupid forever wars and we don't have mass shootings every other day? Cancel their student loan debt? Give them family leave when they have children and sick leave when they are sick? Send their children to preschool and college for free? Not charge them obscene amounts of money for using an ambulance? And then laugh at their pain?

Is it at all possible that there could be a non-evil reason for thinking any of that would be a good idea, or for wanting to stop the spread of an extremely contagious virus that kills people in an extremely painful way? I would like to think so, but we can never truly be sure.

Anyway! This is now your open thread, so if you've got some theories, feel free to share them!

[CBS12]

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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