What The Hell Is Happening Here, Tucker Carlson?

There's this one scene in 1939's Dark Victory in which stablehand Humphrey Bogart — in an Irish brogue, mind you — starts talking to fancy society lady Bette Davis about how hard it is to be manly. "I guess I was born out of my time, Miss Judith," he says "I should've lived in the days when it counted to be a man. The way I like to ride and the way I like to fight. What good's riding and fighting these days? What do they get you?"

And because it's Humphrey Bogart, in an entirely fictional movie about brain tumors in which your only other option is Ronald Reagan, it's honestly pretty fucking hot.

What is not at all hot, however, is almost literally any other man in any other context blathering on about how they don't get to be manly anymore. Especially when that man is doofy-haired, confused labrador-faced, bow-tie aficionado Tucker Carlson, whining about how evil feminists are the thing keeping him from living his best Charles Atlas life.


This week, Carlson dropped the trailer for his upcoming documentary "The End of Men," which I guess is supposed to be a montage of all of the things we are missing out on by murdering masculinity all the time.

These activities include: muscled men doing pushups, muscled naked men shooting at bottles of canola oil, muscled men milking cows without a bucket (buckets are for ladies and girly men — real men just squirt the milk directly on the ground and lick it up), muscled men rasslin' ... and then a naked man charging his dick at a power station? I guess? Unless he's tanning his testicles, which is apparently also a thing for Tucker. Then half-naked muscled men flip some big tires, cut down a tree, and take a bath outside at what I am like 90 percent sure is the same terrible spa they went to on Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.

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Then there is a manly beared man standing outside at night gulping down a bunch of raw eggs, which I know from Rocky Horror is supposed to be a very manly thing to do, and after that I think it's another guy going into some kind of tanning situation.

Over this montage, and over the triumphant music blaring in the background, there's a British guy talking, and he says ...

Once a society collapses then, you’re in hard times. Well, hard iron sharpens iron as they say, and those hard times inevitably produce men who are tough, men who are resourceful, men who are strong enough to survive. Th-th-they go on to reestablish order, and so the cycle begins again.

Uh, ok?

I feel like Tucker's intention here is that men look at this and think "This could be us, but for the feminists!" and women are supposed to think "Oh no! What have we wrought! We could have had men like this, licking milk up off the ground and flipping giant tires around in the desert, but no! We had to have human rights!"

And I don't think that's happening. At least not for me. I mean, frankly, it's not even hot in a problematic way, like Humphrey Bogart's speech about how no one cares that he can ride or fight anymore. Men have been bitching about how no one will let them be manly anymore not just since 1939, but since Ancient Greece (at least). You think they'd be better at it by now, come up with something more appealing, some case more convincing, but no. Nope. Just dick power charging/tanning stations and raw eggs. You would think that people so desperate to bring toxic masculinity back would make a better case for it than "Hey, here's a guy in an outside bathtub. You like that? Hmm?"

That being said, I certainly look forward to watching this documentary, so that I can learn more about the kind of super manly man Tucker Carlson would be, were it not for evil feminists forcing him to get that particular haircut.

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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