Speedy recovery, jazz hands!

AT THE OUTSET WE MUST SAY that the regular commenting rules apply and we are not happy Rand Paul got beated up by his next-door neighbor on Friday. It is not OK to beated up your neighbor in the first place, and it is especially not OK to do it to a United States senator, if only for self-preservation purposes, since assaulting a senator is a federal crime. You are supposed to beat up your bad Republican Aqua Buddha senator WITH VOTES, good lord.

NBC News has new reporting on the incident, and shit is weird, no matter who you want to believe. All we know for sure is that Rand Paul has broken ribs (FIVE OF THEM), minor cuts on his NoseFace, and that he is a dick:

Disagreement between Rand Paul and his neighbor over the senator's politics and his property line were possible motives in the Sunday attack that left the Kentucky lawmaker with five broken ribs, a source told NBC News on Monday.

Paul was wearing headphones while mowing his lawn in Bowling Green, Kentucky, when he was attacked from behind by Rene Boucher, 59, on Sunday afternoon, two sources said. Paul suffered five rib fractures, including three displaced fractures.

Wait what, SNEAK ATTACK? That is some shit to do to a person who is currently wielding a LAWN MOWER, which could easily be turned into a WEAPON, especially by somebody who has a very strong upper body from pulling himself up by his bootstraps so much.

Also, what was Rand Paul listening to in his headphones? Phish, probably, or maybe some shit like Jimmy Buffett.

NBC says Paul and Boucher haven't been speaking for years, "possibly" because Boucher hates Paul's politics (and who wouldn't? BUT AGAIN VIOLENCE IS THE WRONG ANSWER), and also "possibly" because they are having a disagreement about where the property line is. This somehow involves the crik behind their houses in Bowling Green. (Yes, "crik." Southerners' homes do not back up to "creeks." Ever.)

According to Dr. Boucher's lawyer, though, it was no big deal and definitely did not involve politics, even though the entire wingnut media has already decided Boucher beated Rand Paul up because "Noam Chomsky":

"The unfortunate occurrence of November 3rd has absolutely nothing to do with either's politics or political agendas," he added. "It was a very regrettable dispute between two neighbors over a matter that most people would regard as trivial. We sincerely hope that Senator Paul is doing well and that these two gentlemen can get back to being neighbors as quickly as possible."

What?

Um ...

What?

First of all, "get back to being neighbors" sounds like "get back to never speaking to each other." Also, what "trivial" thing caused Dr. Boucher to sneak attack Rand Paul and break FIVE of his ribs while he was cutting the grass? We are going to guess it was one of the following things, assuming that Paul did something dick-ish in the first place, which is likely:

• Threw cat shit at Boucher's house.
• Threw cat shit at Boucher's house wrapped in printed out articles from Reason magazine about how cool libertarianism is.
• Insisted on marking the property line in Rand Paul Pee every single day, which would be so rude and probably would kill all the fishes in the crik.
• Put his pecker somewhere it wasn't supposed to go? WE ARE JUST ASKING, because though WaPo says Boucher's charges might be increased since he ASSAULTED A SITTING SENATOR, he got out on $7,500 bail, which is way lower than we would expect.
• Just generally acted like a total Rand Paul about everything.

OR MAYBE Rand Paul's neighbor is just crazy. It is possible.

Regardless, WHAT THE HELL, RAND PAUL'S NEIGHBOR? Not only did he obviously assault a senator, WaPo also reports that Paul's inability to go to work at Senate is giving Mitch McConnell a "Maalox Moment," which is probably a federal crime in and of itself.

Feel free to wildly speculate (NICELY, WE FUCKING MEAN IT) about the real story, because we ain't know what the hell is going on here.

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[NBC News]