Hey look, it's a PBS POLITICO Democratic debate livestream, which you can watch here with us because love and friendship and we will never let you down with "when is debate" and "how do I watch debate" and "can you embed a livestream I do not like to have more than one tab." SURE FUCKIN CAN!
WATCH LIVE: The PBS NewsHour/POLITICO Democratic Debatewww.youtube.com
Now we shall hit "post" and wait for the cache to catch up. See you on the flippy-flop!
It's 8:00 and we are doing a hip little ditty with each of our heroes giving a line. Pete says he would be the most progressive president ever. Bernie says he would be health care. It was very "snazzy" by way of "PBS."
8:04: Judy Woodruff: Why haven't you persuaded a large majority that we should IMPEACH?
Joe Biden: I will bring dignity back to the Oval Office. "I will talk so much shit about him, Judy, that is my job."
Bernie Sanders: I will call the president a pathological liar (FACTCHECK TRUE) and a fraud (LIKEWISE, I'M SURE). I will yell about it too.
Elizabeth Warren: How about some CONSTITUTION, JUDY? You like CONSTITUTION?
Nobody: Reminds Judy Woodruff that a majority of Americans is in favor of impeachment, and a plurality is in favor of impeachment and removal.
Amy Klobs: A wise judge said NO KINGS! (Does she mean Sotomayor? NO IDEA. Over our heads, AMY KLOBS.) Also, Nixon was paranoid, and now that Kamala is gone I will be the PROSECUTOR IN CHIEF PROSECUTING THAT DICK.
Boy Pete: It's not about polls, JUDY. Don't be a poll-chaser, JUDY. Don't be cynical, JUDY. Team Boy Pete. Weird pivot to wages like he is Bernie Sanders. Structural racism? Let me tell you about how NOBODY FROM THE BANKS EVER SAW A JAIL CELL. (That is my impression of Bernie Sanders in 2016.) Well, okay.
The Tom Steyer one of the Michael Bloombergs: I invented peachment. You're welcome.
Yang Gang: GiVe U ManUFaCTuRe JoBs?
8:15: Judy Woodruff: Bernie Sanders, do you love Nafta II, The Naftening?
Bernie Sanders: Meh.
Amy Klobs: I will drive a Chrysler so hard. Made in America Judy. MADE IN AMERICA. Also says the words "Sarah Sanders is correct," so if she is talking about the Sarah Sanders I THINK she is talking about, then buh-bye Amy Klobs.
Boy Pete: Let's talk about wages. Pay people money. People like money, Judy.
Andrew Yang points out that suicide and drug deaths are higher than vehicle deaths now, because this debate is a FUCKING BUZZKILL. Let's watch PBS Anchorman-styley for a sec.
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy - Wanna Dance? Scene (7/8) | Movieclipswww.youtube.com
E-Dubs: I am proud to stand with a bunch of Democrats who are NOT DICKS, even the ones who are SOMETIMES DICKS. I am going to make Rebecca feel better for a while, by knowing what I am talking about, not sounding like I am on Xanax, and being urgent and to the point about what we need to do in our nation, YAY.
8:23 Judy Woodruff: E-Dubs, top economists say a wealth tax would stifle growth. Sup?
Warren: Judy, that is some bullshit. [Explains.]
Thank you ma'am.
The Tom Steyer one of the Michael Bloombergs: Yeah, Liz is right, we need a wealth tax. Don't try to make ME your billionaire, Judy. But I am a businessman who can talk about economy and zzzzzz.
Boy Pete: Why does Liz Warren false choice us? Why do we need "big ideas" that will "hurt the economy"? Every time Pete says he would be the most progressive president ever, he follows it up with accepting Frank Luntz's framing, whether it's "oh yeah Judy, those 'top economists' Rebecca's never heard of DEFINITELY say a wealth tax would stunt growth for sure" or "Democrats sure don't like to (talk about) being responsible with the debt do they." Isn't that weird?
Judy, that's some bullshit!
8:30 ... and POLITICO with the climate question???? "Scientists say BUZZER TOO LATE on climate change. How would you tell Miami to go die?" Politico's Tim Alberta, good on you.
Amy Klobs: I would not tell anyone to go die, especially Miami cha cha cha. Amy Klobs comes up with the Ojibwe saying about "making decisions for not this generation but seven generations from now." That's nice, Amy Klobs! Huh! Goes on to say "carbon pricing" and updating buildings. How about some Green New Deal, AK? That would be swellegant!
The Tom Steyer one of the Michael Bloombergs: I invented climate change. You're welcome.
Pete: I am a Millennial, I would do carbon taxes, renewables, and EVEN BIGGER. Green New Deal big? Pete doesn't say. Liz Warren should HOW WOULD YOU PAAAAASSSSS IT for five debates on end.
Yo Joe, would you give up some jobs for climate change?
Joe Biden: FUK YEH. But Joe Biden had his ginko biloba today and remembers that infrastructure and Green New Dealing is GOOD for jobs. He's good on this! Go Joe!
Bernie: Paris Agreement is fine, "AIN'T ENOUGH." Bernie is correct.
Politico: Liz Warren, what about nuclear?
Warren: I would not build MORE nuclear, but I would R&D the fuck out of energy and what we need.
Amy Klobs: Midwest getting fuckin' HAMMERED by climate change y'all. Fuckin' HAMMERED. Win big, by electing someone from the midwest, and do carbon pricing.
'K.
Tom Steyer: Nuclear sux. NOPE. "We have the technology that we need. It's called wind and solar and batteries." Let's Green New Deal the fuck out of it.
Team Steyer.
A lady. Amna?: Joe Biden, why do you think Republicans will go back to "normal" and not be evil brain-soul-eaters of puppies?
Joe: I refuse to accept the notion that we can never ever ever cooperate again. If anybody should be angry it's me! They attack my boner of a son! So we beat them, ???? and PROFIT!
Yamiche or Amna, I didn't see: Andrew Yang, everybody else up here whiiiiiite. What's up with that?
Yang: Racism, right? Can't have candidates of color if people can't donate money. GiVe U ThOsAnD DoLlArS?
Oh shit, Bernie Sanders started to say something, probably "how about those corporations doing all the structural racism by not going to jail for 'banks'" and Amna fully PERSON OF COLORED HIM about "with all due respect, Senator, the question was about race."
Like, I don't hate Bernie anymore, but that WAS a thing that kept happening in 2016. I feel like Amna has been waiting three and a half years to say that. Oh, Dok informs me that Bernie was trying to talk about climate change and how it hits communities of color hardest. THAT IS A TOTALLY FAIR TOPIC FOR HIM TO WANT TO BRING UP, particularly because "race" and ALSO because the last question was about climate change.
I think we're going to have to go to the tape in the morning for judge's decision.
ROUGHING THE PASSER
8:55 Yamiche Alcindor: Hey we STILLLLL got Guantanamo. Liz, close it?
Liz: Yes.
Should have just kept it there, but went to "reasons."
Joe: Yeah, you actually need Congress to agree. We're making terrorists there, and by not doing a two-state solution in Israel, and also Bibi Netanyahu's a dick.
9:00 Judy Woodruff: Pete, China put a million Muslims in camps. Are they awesome?
Pete: Trump sux. China's a dictator. It's not about dishwashers and they're NOT GOOD COMMUNISTS, REBECCA'S LITTLE BROTHER JOHN. They're billionaires and sweatshop workers, COME ON.
Joe: You know what's not awesome? Concentration camps.
Thank you Joe.
Pete: You know who's a whiny thin-skinned bitch? Trump, who wants to be a dictator so bad he calls the press the "enemy of the people." Please buy Rebecca's shit.
9:15 Politico's Tim Alberta: Barack Obama said he's voting with his vagina, and that "old white men" should get out of the way. What do you think, Bernie Sanders, who are old and male?
Bernie: ALSO I AM WHITE! [Pauses for laughs, doesn't get them.] Bamz is cool, I disagree with him on this, because like I said, it's me! "Billionaires."
Tim: Joe Biden?
Joe: He wasn't talking about me, punk.
Tim: You would be 82 at end of your term, oldest in American history.
Joe: Winston Churchill.
Tim: American.
Joe: You don't have a sense of humor, that was a joke.
Oh man, Joe's ginko is wearing off.
Amy Klobs: I will vote with my vagina too, unlike Hillary, whose vagina was bad.
brb photocopying zines for my new band BAD VAGINA.
Tim: Liz, you'd also be the oldest president inaug'ed.
Warren: I'd also be the youngest woman.
As forever and always, TEAM LIZ.
Liz moves on to what her campaign means, about people's voices getting heard. Tim tries to cut her off. "Wait, I want to finish, this is important." She's soulful, she means it, and the applause goes almost as long as ...
Okay, Pete steps on it with "I can't help but feel that was directed at me."
Pete, with all due respect, you've been "directing things" at Warren for an odd amount of time now, and she is allowed to talk about the difference between meeting with EVERYONE and meeting with ONLY THE MONEY, now HUSH DEAR.
Now Liz took his bait and is going after his $900 bottle of wine fundraiser, and it's going to rebound on her. Sigh.
Now Pete is being MEAN PETE. "Senator, suppose you went home and felt the holiday spirit -- not likely I know ..."
Um, go fuck yourself?
Klobs: I did not come here to listen to this argument, I have never even been to a wine cave, I have been to a WIND cave because MIDWEST. Overturn Citizens United, I AM YELLING NOW.
Give it to him, Amy. (I assume she is yelling at Pete even if she is yelling at both of them.)
BIG CLAP.
Bernie: Twenty-seven dollars!
Oh Bernie, not now buddy.
Joe's average contribution is $43. Wonkette's average contribution is $11.13. Let's all publicly fund elections, and Wonkette! (Are we done with the fighting yet? PLEAAAASE? NOPE. Tom Steyer's got something to say!)
Tom Steyer: I'm a good billionaire. WEALTH TAX PLS! NOT DONALD TRUMP PLS! Sure, let's all breathe.
9:30 Amna: Andrew Yang, u GiVe ImMiGrAnTs ThoSAnD DollARs?
Yang: Totally, immigration is awesome even though Rebecca saw a thing on my website today about how we need to get our southern border in order because those are not high-skilled immigrant people :/
Also, something about women, not listening anymore. WAIT I AM NOW!
Yang: Women should not have to shake the money tree in the wine cave.
LOL for real LOL.
Amna: Bernie Sanders, path to citizenship for ALL twelve million, or SOME?
Bernie: DAY ONE, EXECUTIVE ORDER, NO BABY SNATCHING, COMPREHENSIVE PATH TO CITIZENSHIP, THAT IS WHAT THE PEOPLE OF OUR COUNTRY WANT.
(Factcheck true.)
Amy Klobs: I'm a Democrat, of course immigrants are awesome, I'm not a weird psycho like that orange ear-cocker.
Steyer: You all are forgetting it's not about immigration it's about non-white people, because Trump raaaaaacist.
9:40: Amna with a question about the snatched babies, and I think I need to zone out for a minute.
OK, Pete is being for reparations; "just replacing a harmful policy with a neutral one isn't enough." Well, that's good, Mayor Pete. Joe?
Joe: We "cherrypick the best from every continent," to "work like the devil." Our children are Hispanic! I AM YELLING! (What we are doing is) STUPID AND IMMORAL! THEY ARE THE FUTURE OF AMERICA!
I feel like Joe is very mood-swingy a lot lately.
Amy: IS THIS THE YELLING PARTY? I GOT YELLS. I NEGOSH THE FARM BILLS. DISMISS COMMITTEE HEARINGS, PETE. I DON'T DENIGRATE YOUR EXPERIENCE AS A LOCAL OFFICIAL.
oh ouch, Amy came for bear.
Pete: You did denigrate my experience, actually Ames, it was before the break. I was going to let it go because we have bigger fish to fry.
Ames: There is no bigger fish to fry than choosing a president. You ran for DNC (and lost). Whoever heads our ticket should have won an election somewhere.
She PISSED.
Pete: You wanna talk about elections? Try coming back with 80 percent of the vote as a gay dude in Mike Pence's Indiana.
Amy: When you ran "in Indiana" you lost by 20 points.
Guys, this is fucking SAVAGE.
Bernie says some words. Now Liz is talking education for babies. A question where nobody is yelling at Pete? Give it five seconds.
Pete wants to charge tuition to anyone from a family that makes $150k. "I wish you well," unlike Eliz Warren, who wants to murder the billionaires with fire but give them college.
Bernie: NAH.
Steyer: Can we do what Bernie and Liz are pushing? YES WE CAN! Fuck the billionaires! FUCK US HARD!
Yang: We have to stop connecting economic value with human value. It's not about "can a kid with autism work at a job," that doesn't matter! Team Yang.
Warren: I was a special ed teacher, which I am going to mention so people can lose their minds because if you do something for a year it doesn't count.
9:55 Judy Woodruff: Hey, how about those 200 Trump judges. Amy Klobs, you voted for one who yesterday struck down the ACA again. Why?
Amy Klobs: I was tuff against Kavanaugh, remember that? The judge yesterday, that opinion was written by a judge who ERREONE vote for, including these schmucks up here with me. Ask THEM! But I will name some judge ladies who are good. Every judge I have ever heard of is a woman. BAD VAGINA.
Woodruff: Mayor Pete, wha bout Roe v. Wade?
Pete: American freedom must include reproductive rights, voting rights, equality, and respect for the rule of law.
When he's not yelling at Elizabeth Warren, I like Pete Buttigieg fine!
10:00 Yamiche: Bernie Sanders, how do you stop crimes of violence against trans women, particularly trans women of color?
Bernie Sanders: Moral leadership, and I didn't even pivot to CORPORATE BANKERS, I pivoted to HEALTHCARE. WHICH IS FAIR.
Amna has a question for Joe Biden about "HANEESTAN" and I mean, I could listen to it, but I can't because "HANEESTAN." Like, you don't have to say EYE RACK to be MURICAN but "Afghanistan" does have an entire first syllable we're eliding, babes. Sounds like Joe couldn't listen to the question either.
Bernie, with all due respect (and he and Joe do seem very at ease with each other) says Joe fucked EYE RACK, with war and such as. This is true also!
Amna: AHA, but Bernie, you voted for HANEESTAN.
Bernie: Yeah, I'm not perfect like my friend Barbara Lee, I am only MOSTLY perfect.
While I was going back and bolding all the people's names and times, they yelled about Medicare for All, some more, again, for all time until we die. I feel like it was an excellent use of my time.
Missed Judy Woodruff's question, but it's "give a gift or ask forgiveness," so like Christmas and ... Yom Kippur? Cool.
Yang: GiVe U mY BoOk?
Pete: We are going to have to rally around the candidate (me).
Warren: I ask forgiveness. I get worked up, and "hot." I do selfies! They make me cry! (She has teared up several times tonight.) In this job interview she cares too much and works too hard! (But she does.)
Joe Biden: LIZ YOU DID NOT INVENT SELFIES. That is not a gift or a forgiveness.
Bernie's gift is clear-eyed vision of Trump, a la Cassandra but with people believing us presumably, free college regardless of income, and "love."
Amy Klobs also asks for forgiveness. She compliments Elizabeth and Bernie, and calls for a decency and values and patriotism check and GUESS WHAT WE ALL PASS!
Tom Steyer: GiVe U BiLlIoN DolLaRs? Just kidding, he gives you "teamwork." I honestly do not hate Tom Steyer at all, for real, I think he's a pretty good guy. (I don't think we need another goddamn novice for Mitch McConnell to roll.) But I DO think Tom Steyer could pay for a LOT of teamwork, including paying TEAMS to FLIP THE GODDAMN SENATE TOM.
CLOSING STATEMENTS!
TOM STEYERagain goes with "I'm different from the others on this stage." STOP MAKING ME PULL OUT THE FITZGERALD ON YOU.
YANG: I'm a wild and crazy guy. That's it.
KLOBS: I am tired of yelling at Pete, I would like to yell at Donald Trump. Please nominate me to do so, Ima talk soooo muuuuch shiiiit.
PETE: Ima unite the country and defeat Donald Trump. I sound nice again. I am not yelling at any ladies at all.
WARREN: I'm a little scattered right now, I wasn't paying attention when you called my name. That's okay Liz, you'll come up with something, oh you did and it was nice and fine.
BERNIE: BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD, JUST KIDDING THAT IS BARACK. TWENTY-SEVEN DOLLARS, LOVE.
JOE BIDEN: Who can deliver on our good progressive plans? That's a me. Who can elect Dems to the Senate? That's a me too. Who can do legislation? Ima name some RIGHT NOW. I asked three questions and answered them. WHO'S YOUR DADDY, IT JOE.
WONKETTE: Did I forget to show you my candidate shot glasses Shy made for us today? My bad. Buy them by tomorrow to get them by Christmas and/or Yom Kippur! (They are way prettier in person, as usual.)
Goodnight everybody, and God bless, and GiVe Us BilLiOn DoLlArS? Or like five. Either way, we love you, SHEESH. Now GIT OUT!
