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Today is the day, everyone! Devin Nunes is getting everything he ever wanted (that doesn't involve wild romantic nights with dairy cows, allegedly), because he gets to go to a briefing and learn sexxxy secrets about the inception of the FBI's investigation into Trump and Russia, including stuff about WIRE TAPPS (there are no wire tapps) and SECRET DEEP STATE SPIES (there was an informant, almost all FBI investigations have them).


He is doing this to get to the bottom of SPYGATE, which is what Donald Trump is calling this, because he is stupid, and his followers are stupid, therefore that is what they are calling this. Also it is much catchier than "I am an illegitimate president who is only in office because Russia stole the election for me-GATE."

Clapper didn't say that, and also go fuck yourself. He did say the Russians definitely rigged the election for Trump, though, and that if they hadn't, Hillary Clinton woulda won. So, there's that.

(For more on why SPYGATE is one of the stupidest and most insane things Trump has ever pulled out of his tangerine poot slit, read Jonathan Chait, who goes through it in great detail without using words like "tangerine poot slit." No fun, Jonathan Chait!)

Anyway, Nunes is doing this so he can obstruct more justice for Donald Trump, so he can tell Trump what the feds have on him, and also probably leak it to Sean Hannity within seven minutes of learning whatever he learns today. Nunes does shit like that. (Allegedly.)

After a whole lot of rigamarole that involved Democrats being like "We should be involved in this too" (pffffft, where do they even get off?), it was finally decided that there would be TWO meetings. In the first one, Devin Nunes and his therapy dog Trey Gowdy will sit down with Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, FBI Director Chris Wray, and DNI Dan Coats. Also, for some reason White House Chief of Staff John Kelly may be in the room, because WHY THE FUCK WOULD THE PRESIDENT'S CHIEF OF STAFF BE PRESENT FOR A CLASSIFIED BRIEFING ABOUT AN INVESTIGATION INTO THE PRESIDENT HE SERVES? That briefing will happen at noon Eastern time.

The second briefing will be at 2 PM ET, and it will be all those same people, PLUS the rest of the so-called Gang of Eight, which includes the majority and minority leadership from both chambers (McConnell, Schumer, Pelosi, Ryan) and the leadership of the intel committees (Burr, Warner, Schiff and Fucking Devin Nunes). Also for some reason Trey Gowdy gets to go to that briefing too. (Again, therapy dog, and also guy who reads intel Nunes is too dumb to understand for himself.) And maybe John Kelly, because WHY THE FUCK WOULD THE PRESIDENT'S CHIEF OF STAFF BE PRESENT FOR A CLASSIFIED BRIEFING ABOUT AN INVESTIGATION INTO THE PRESIDENT HE SERVES?

Except maybe he won't be there, according to Adam Schiff, who by the way thinks SPYGATE is the wrong name for this, because it should be more like LIEGATE, AM I RIGHT?

Oh, so John Kelly is basically like a party planner right now? Will he set out trays of cold cuts and a bowl of punch and then leave? So he can stand outside and hold a cup up to the door so he can eavesdrop? Oh golly who knows!

We had been hoping Rod Rosenstein and Chris Wray were hatching a plan to entrap Nunes, and by extension Donald Trump, to see how fast he runs off and leaks whatever he learns to Fox News. (Or rather, leaks a misleading version of what he learns to Fox News.) In fact, we had been pleading WITH GOD HERSELF that Rosenstein and Wray have a master plan like that. After all, Rosenstein has been saying DOJ/FBI will under no circumstances be extorted, and Wray has also been making noises about how important it is to protect sources and methods so that the FBI can do its damn work. (Also, they like to protect their sources from getting killed. How silly, right, Devin Nunes???)

Considering the timing of these meetings, we are still cautiously optimistic that there is A Plan, but regardless, we're ready for Fox News to break some bullshit news around 1:45 PM ET, on what Devin Nunes learned in his first briefing, because Nunes just rocket-jizzed it all over Fox News.

Or maybe, IF HE'S THINKIN', Nunes will wait until after the second briefing, to give himself plausible deniability when Fox News starts reporting on highly classified intel and everybody starts shouting "FUCKING DEVIN!"

Haha, our bad, that last option assumes Devin Nunes has the capacity to BE THINKIN' AND STRATEGIZIN'. That was very dumb of us.

In conclusion and in summary, Donald Trump and Devin Nunes are going to damage some more of our American institutions today, and nobody will do anything about it, hahaha lololololol YOLO OR WHATEVER.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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