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He gets cranky when he has the sniffles


Is it possible Donald Trump knows he screwed the pooch at Monday's presidential debate? We'd never go so far as to attribute even the least bit of self-awareness to the man, but his post-debate demeanor seems to suggest he was at least vaguely aware that his performance was not a feather in his cap, but might have been, in fact, a big black eye. If he eventually does realize he did badly, of course, it will have been someone else's fault, because while Donald Trump may occasionally have regrets, he does not make mistakes. The reason we ask is this intriguing, audio-free bit of video snagged by MSNBC Monday night as Trump and his crew emerged from the arena at Hofstra University, in which they appear to have a very animated and very unsmiling discussion before Trump left in an armored SUV and a snit.

We've got Trump speaking emphatically, jabbing his finger in the air, as he talks first to his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, then to a schlubby balding aide, then to spokeswoman Hope Hicks, while Melania and Ivanka stand around looking uncomfortable. MSNBC anchor Brian Williams said "We would kill to have audio," and Rachel Maddow added, "I don’t know if something is going wrong here or [...] They’re leaving in an interestingly disorderly way.” Another MSNBC talking head added that maybe it was nothing, and they were all just trying to decide where to get takeout.

Clearly, we need Bad Lip Reading or some of those internet kids who did all those Downfall parodies to add audio or at least subtitles to this.

Our best guess:

Trump (to Jared Kushner): Did you see how I destroyed her out there? I think we can quit campaigning now. Dontcha think?

Kushner: Well, it couldn't hurt to keep having rallies at least...

Trump: Don't give me your negativity. We can just coast from here. Am I right, Melania?

Melania: I think...

Trump: Damn straight, we won. No question about it.

(to schlubby aide): Prepare the dirigible. We're going to hunt manatees in the morning. Bring the big bore guns.

Schlubby aide: Manatees, sir? You know they're endangered...

Trump: Not as endangered as you're gonna be if we're not over the Everglades shooting some sea cows tomorrow, you hear me?

Schlubby aide: Yessir. Right on it sir.

Trump (to Hope Hicks): Did I kill tonight? Of course I did. Manatee hunting!

Hicks: Sir, I...

Ivanka: Daddy, remember those photos of Eric and Donnie with the leopard? That didn't...

Trump: Manatees, baby! Everyone knows they're a pest animal anyway!

(to Kushner): When you bag a manatee, you gotta eat the liver. You wouldn't believe it -- it's like pate.

Yes, Donald Trump was satisfied indeed. What was good for Milo Minderbinder Donald Trump was good for the country. But the Egyptian cotton he'd stuffed onto lollipop sticks was tickling his throat. Maybe he'd just have this glass of water.

And all this cocaine.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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