What's In Michael Cohen's Boxes? Oh, Just The Last Shreds Of Jay Sekulow's Reputation, Maybe

OK, we were sort of being silly in our headline just now! TYPICAL WONKETTE! We did not mean to give the false impression that, before he went to work for Donald Trump, Jay Sekulow was some sort of respected Washington lawyer retained by real clients for important stuff. LOLOLOL he was not that. He was a religious right yapping hack, the kinda guy who's way more suited for grifting for Jesus than he is for doing ... much of anything else, really! Anyway, he's DUMB. Like capital D-U-FUCKIN'-MBBBBBBBB.

Last week, when Michael Cohen testified for the Congress, he said in his opening statement that lawyers associated with Donald Trump had "reviewed and edited" his earlier lie-statement to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow meeting. Cohen lied because he knew the story they were going with, the story Trump had been signaling the whole time that they were stickin' with, was that negotiations for that project had ended before the Iowa caucuses, when the real truth is that Trump was pursuing the business deal with NO RUSSIA, NO RUSSIA, YOU ARE THE RUSSIA throughout the campaign, while lying to everybody's faces and saying he had no dealings with Russia.

When Democratic members of the House Oversight Committee asked Cohen who specifically exactly in particular he was talking about when he said Trump lawyers "reviewed and edited" his statement, he specifically namechecked Jay Sekulow, and also mentioned Javanka's lawyer (for maybe not too much longer, assuming he doesn't like clients who lie to him) Abbe Lowell.

Well ... y'know how Michael Cohen is back at the House Intelligence Committee right now, because they called him back to bring the receipts for all the shit he told them last week behind closed doors? Been curious what kinda receipts we might be talking about? Been wonderin' if Cohen kept those receipts in boxes, if you are Louisiana Cajun Spiced Idiot GOP Rep. Clay Higgins, and if so, WHAR BOXES?

Michael Cohen on Wednesday provided the House Intelligence Committee with new documents showing edits to the false written statement he delivered to Congress in 2017 about the Trump Organization's pursuit of the Trump Tower Moscow project into the 2016 campaign season, according to multiple sources familiar with the matter.

The documents Cohen provided are intended to further explain his public testimony last week, in which Cohen said that President Donald Trump's then-personal lawyer Jay Sekulow made changes to his statement to the House and Senate Intelligence Committees, and that it was reviewed ahead of time by lawyers like Abbe Lowell, an attorney for Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner, the President's daughter and son-in-law who are both White House advisers. [...]

"There were changes made, additions -- Jay Sekulow, for one," Cohen said last week. "There were several changes that were made including how we were going to handle that message, which was -- the message of course being -- the length of time that the Trump Tower Moscow project stayed and remained alive."

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh shit, J-Sexxxy-Low! How YOU feeling today? Is there a still small voice somewhere back in your little squirrel brain saying, "Gee whiz, I sure wish I was still grifting for Jesus, bilking the unemployed out of their last $20, so I could fly around on private jets and do pro bono legal work in defense of the Pledge of Allegiance, instead of destroying my STERLING REPUTATION in service of a president who commits 50 crimes before breakfast every day"?

We bet that feels pretty shitty, especially after Sekulow denied the claims Cohen made in his testimony. Womp womp!

Of course, we must note that Michael Cohen brought a really big suitcase to Congress, one that could presumably fit a lot of receipts from WHAR BOXES, so we bet he wasn't just carrying the remains of Jay Sekulow's reputation. Cohen is probably ruining untold numbers of Trump-associated lives right now, not to mention ruining Individual-1's life even more, and we simply cannot wait to watch the chips fall.

And hell, receipts don't take up that much space anyhow, so Cohen mighta even brought snax. Awwww, we bet he brought snax for the whole entire House Intelligence Committee, even the dipshit ones with a "GOP" by their names! It's probably part of his whole Turn Over New Leaf/Go And Crime No More outlook on life, bringin' Kit Kats for congressmen and shit.

Anyway, the point is we are just curious ... if you edit somebody's sworn statement to Congress and add some lies to it to protect your client, is that bad? We are just asking, hypothetically!

And here is an answer, hypothetically!

Well, well, well!


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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