What's Scarier Than 30-50 Feral Hogs? How About Feral Hogs Stealing Cocaine?

What's Scarier Than 30-50 Feral Hogs? How About Feral Hogs Stealing Cocaine?
Image: Daniele Napolitano, Creative Commons license 4.0

Remember that fine day in August when the daily weirdness of Hell World was disrupted by the weird pro-gun guy who fretted to singer singer/songwriter Jason Isbell that without a trusty semiautomatic bullet hose, he would be unable to protect his children from the "30-50 feral hogs that run into my yard within 3-5 mins while my small kids play?" It was one of the best few hours on Twitter all year.

Which is why it's something of a relief that today, on Impeachment Day One, we're able to tell you that the feral hogs are back, albeit not the same ones, because they're in Italy, not in any American's yard, and we don't have an exact count. Thirty to fifty seems as good a guess as any.

Italian police busted a small drug-smuggling operation in Tuscany after wiretapping some of the gang members. Not long before the arrest, cops overheard the baddies complaining about a rival gang -- with trotters and Tuscan tusks -- that had broken into a buried stash of cocaine.

The animals unearthed and broke into a sealed package of cocaine hidden in the Tuscan forest, near Montepulciano, before scattering the contents through woodland, local media reported.

Two of the gang members are now in jail, while the other two are under house arrest. We can only presume the two in jail are complaining that the food is swill.

The gang came to the attention of police during an investigation into the killing of a 21-year-old Albanian in May last year, [Il Tirreno] reported. The scheme allegedly funneled drugs from a supply channel in Perugia to various provinces, including Siena and Arezzo.

Before their operation was busted up by the pigs (AND the police), the smugglers were moving about two kilograms (an unknowable number of pounds in real measurements -- let's say it was a ton) of cocaine per month and selling it for between $90-$120 per "gram," which is the weight of a single sweet brown cracker. It is unknown whether the cocaine was any good on s'mores, because feral hogs don't like marshmallows, a fact we just made up.

The only way this story could have been any better would be if the piggies had led the cops on a wild chase while driving little Mini Coopers -- the old 1960s models, because that's the only version that counts.

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In conclusion, there is a big wild hog problem in Italy, as there is in the USA. We would say much more about the risks posed by invasive species worldwide, if only we weren't still trying to bring down our blood pressure from hearing just a few minutes of the feral screeching emitted by Jim Jordan this afternoon. Maybe a nice dose of the dulcet, pleasantly modulated voice of Ambassador Bill Taylor, whose voice Yr Editrix described as "a mix of Shadoe Stevens and Ed Begley Jr."

We bet you guys are pretty damned tired after today, too! There's more tomorrow! And forever!

And now it is your open thread!

[Newsweek via Andi Zeisler on Twitter / The Local / Image: Daniele Napolitano, Creative Commons license 4.0]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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