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If it's a Friday in Trump's America, shit is on fire!

Roger Stone is the latest Trump person to be arrested and indicted and LOCK HER UPPED, Jared Kushner and half the West Wing are walking around with security clearances they should not have because they are all compromised, and life in airport land is SNAFU, because we've reached the point where air travel safety cannot be guaranteed because of the ongoing government shutdown, which has now lasted 35 days.

Should we check on Mitch McConnell to see if MAYBE he'd like to pull his head out of his turtle asshole and stick it out of his shell and at the very fucking least reopen the government?


Lindsey. Lindsey! Did you tell Big Mitch to tell Trump that the fact that Roger Stone spent the morning in jail with a severe case of the shakes (ALLEGEDLY) means by definition that even if the government is shut down, the Mueller train is still on the tracks? Did you tell Mitch to tell Trump that maybe it would be OK if he doesn't get his crybaby vanity WALL, if that means PLANES DON'T LITERALLY CRASH INTO EACH OTHER IN THE FUCKING SKY KILLING EVERYBODY ON BOARD?

Of course you didn't, Lindsey. You're compromised! And just generally a fucking failed human! (To be "fair," Graham did tell a reporter today that the chances of them voting on a continuing resolution to reopen the government for three whole weeks is a lot more likely today than it was yesterday.)

The Washington Post had an article last night -- or maybe it was last year, we don't know what "time" is at this point -- that makes clear that Mitch McConnell is feeling the heat from his caucus right now, which is starting to crack like a common Humpty Dumpty. SPOILER, Mitch: All the king's horses and all the king's men ain't gonna be able to do SHIT to salvage the GOP if you keep insisting that you're Trump's personal fluffer, rather than the majority leader of the goddamned United States Senate.

The Post article talks about yesterday's Senate GOP luncheon, where everybody beat up on poor Mitch McConnell and took his lunch money and pooped in his fruit salad and told him it was Kit Kats:

"This is your fault," Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis.) told Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) at one point, according to two Republicans who attended the lunch and witnessed the exchange.

"Are you suggesting I'm enjoying this?" McConnell snapped back, according to the people who attended the lunch.

Honestly, nobody really knows what soulless crapsacks whose tombstones will say "He Destroyed America" actually enjoy in life, and it's irresponsible to speculate.

Apparently things were snippy all over the luncheon, as McConnell tried to make clear that the shutdown is neither his idea, nor it is it a good idea. It's a shame he's so helpless to explain to his caucus that forcing government employees to miss over a month of paychecks and shutting down Homeland Security IN THE NAME OF BORDER SECURITY are really not a good look, therefore we need a veto-proof number of y'all dumb pockmark-assed motherfuckers to vote on a clean bill to reopen the government. How could he do that? It's only HIS JOB.

The whole day was a shitshow for McConnell and for his boss daddy Donald Trump. GOP senators reportedly gave Vice President Mike Pence the WHAT-FOR at the luncheon, both senators who are known for occasionally speaking out against Trump and those known for mostly staying inside Trump's butt where it's warm. And even McConnell spoke up that time!

"McConnell talked about how we need to bring this process to a close; we should never have had a shutdown; they don't work; I've said this numerous times; I don't know how many times I've told you there's no education in the second kick of a mule," said a GOP source familiar with the meeting.

(The "first kick of the mule" would be the 2013 shutdown caused by Ted Cruz, the one where everybody who was on the fence about whether they hated Ted Cruz and his foreign-born face decided that yes, they really really really really do. That's what Colorado Democratic Senator Michael Bennet was yelling at Cruz about yesterday.)

Pence's response to that was to tell the Republicans to stay strong and please do not vote for the Democratic bill to reopen the government. This is because Mike Pence, like Mitch McConnell and like Donald Trump, is a shit-mouthed gargoyle bastard.

Six Republicans did vote for that Democratic bill on Thursday, including Lisa Murkowski, Johnny Isakson, Lamar Alexander, Cory Gardner, Mitt Romney, and Susan Collins. In fact, the DEMOCRATIC bill to reopen the government got more votes than the REPUBLICAN bill to give Donald Trump a bunch of dollars for WALL, to pay the ransom and make the president stop holding America hostage. That happened in a Senate controlled by REPUBLICANS. Boy howdy, will Donald Trump ever stop winning?

After yesterday's shitshow, McConnell and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer met, so that's nice, we guess. Trump himself started showing signs of being a loser who caves constantly, when he said he guesses he'll support whatever Chuck 'n' Mitch come up with. He's still insisting, though, that he wants "some sort of pro-rated down payment" for WALL, which is funny because A) what the fuck does President Words Bad even mean? and B) LOL NAH GAH HAPPEN, President LoserFuck.

Guess we'll just see what happens next!

CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE.

Unless he declares NATIONAL EMERGY. He could do that.

But we think it's going to be CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE.

Hey look, it's a picture of Donald Trump:

media1.giphy.com

The end.

[Washington Post / The Hill]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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