What's Shakin', Mitch McConnell? Does Your Life SPARK JOY?

If it's a Friday in Trump's America, shit is on fire!

Roger Stone is the latest Trump person to be arrested and indicted and LOCK HER UPPED, Jared Kushner and half the West Wing are walking around with security clearances they should not have because they are all compromised, and life in airport land is SNAFU, because we've reached the point where air travel safety cannot be guaranteed because of the ongoing government shutdown, which has now lasted 35 days.

Should we check on Mitch McConnell to see if MAYBE he'd like to pull his head out of his turtle asshole and stick it out of his shell and at the very fucking least reopen the government?

Lindsey. Lindsey! Did you tell Big Mitch to tell Trump that the fact that Roger Stone spent the morning in jail with a severe case of the shakes (ALLEGEDLY) means by definition that even if the government is shut down, the Mueller train is still on the tracks? Did you tell Mitch to tell Trump that maybe it would be OK if he doesn't get his crybaby vanity WALL, if that means PLANES DON'T LITERALLY CRASH INTO EACH OTHER IN THE FUCKING SKY KILLING EVERYBODY ON BOARD?

Of course you didn't, Lindsey. You're compromised! And just generally a fucking failed human! (To be "fair," Graham did tell a reporter today that the chances of them voting on a continuing resolution to reopen the government for three whole weeks is a lot more likely today than it was yesterday.)

The Washington Post had an article last night -- or maybe it was last year, we don't know what "time" is at this point -- that makes clear that Mitch McConnell is feeling the heat from his caucus right now, which is starting to crack like a common Humpty Dumpty. SPOILER, Mitch: All the king's horses and all the king's men ain't gonna be able to do SHIT to salvage the GOP if you keep insisting that you're Trump's personal fluffer, rather than the majority leader of the goddamned United States Senate.

The Post article talks about yesterday's Senate GOP luncheon, where everybody beat up on poor Mitch McConnell and took his lunch money and pooped in his fruit salad and told him it was Kit Kats:

"This is your fault," Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis.) told Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) at one point, according to two Republicans who attended the lunch and witnessed the exchange.

"Are you suggesting I'm enjoying this?" McConnell snapped back, according to the people who attended the lunch.

Honestly, nobody really knows what soulless crapsacks whose tombstones will say "He Destroyed America" actually enjoy in life, and it's irresponsible to speculate.

Apparently things were snippy all over the luncheon, as McConnell tried to make clear that the shutdown is neither his idea, nor it is it a good idea. It's a shame he's so helpless to explain to his caucus that forcing government employees to miss over a month of paychecks and shutting down Homeland Security IN THE NAME OF BORDER SECURITY are really not a good look, therefore we need a veto-proof number of y'all dumb pockmark-assed motherfuckers to vote on a clean bill to reopen the government. How could he do that? It's only HIS JOB.

The whole day was a shitshow for McConnell and for his boss daddy Donald Trump. GOP senators reportedly gave Vice President Mike Pence the WHAT-FOR at the luncheon, both senators who are known for occasionally speaking out against Trump and those known for mostly staying inside Trump's butt where it's warm. And even McConnell spoke up that time!

"McConnell talked about how we need to bring this process to a close; we should never have had a shutdown; they don't work; I've said this numerous times; I don't know how many times I've told you there's no education in the second kick of a mule," said a GOP source familiar with the meeting.

(The "first kick of the mule" would be the 2013 shutdown caused by Ted Cruz, the one where everybody who was on the fence about whether they hated Ted Cruz and his foreign-born face decided that yes, they really really really really do. That's what Colorado Democratic Senator Michael Bennet was yelling at Cruz about yesterday.)

Pence's response to that was to tell the Republicans to stay strong and please do not vote for the Democratic bill to reopen the government. This is because Mike Pence, like Mitch McConnell and like Donald Trump, is a shit-mouthed gargoyle bastard.

Six Republicans did vote for that Democratic bill on Thursday, including Lisa Murkowski, Johnny Isakson, Lamar Alexander, Cory Gardner, Mitt Romney, and Susan Collins. In fact, the DEMOCRATIC bill to reopen the government got more votes than the REPUBLICAN bill to give Donald Trump a bunch of dollars for WALL, to pay the ransom and make the president stop holding America hostage. That happened in a Senate controlled by REPUBLICANS. Boy howdy, will Donald Trump ever stop winning?

After yesterday's shitshow, McConnell and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer met, so that's nice, we guess. Trump himself started showing signs of being a loser who caves constantly, when he said he guesses he'll support whatever Chuck 'n' Mitch come up with. He's still insisting, though, that he wants "some sort of pro-rated down payment" for WALL, which is funny because A) what the fuck does President Words Bad even mean? and B) LOL NAH GAH HAPPEN, President LoserFuck.

Guess we'll just see what happens next!


Unless he declares NATIONAL EMERGY. He could do that.

But we think it's going to be CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE.

Hey look, it's a picture of Donald Trump:


The end.

[Washington Post / The Hill]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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