In the summer of 2019, Wonkette wrote a delightful blog post about a guy named John Merrill, Alabama's Republican secretary of state, who was running in the GOP Senate primary against accused teen-toucher Roy Moore that year. Roy Moore was super fuckin' gross, but John Merrill also was ridiculous, as evidenced by the story we wrote of him:

We'd like to introduce you to one of [Moore's] opponents, current Alabama Secretary of State John Merrill, who, unlike Moore, hasn't been accused of touching any kids — to our knowledge, but this is Alabama, so who knows! — but who, like Moore, has some bizarre thoughts about the homosexuals. Specifically he is tired of seeing them on his television, and would like to see more "Gunsmoke" on the TV instead.

Is "Less Buttsex, More Gunsmoke" a winning platform for Alabama? Probably sure why not! It's a very serious state, after all.

We had quotes from Merrill and everything, because we are thorough as balls:

"[T]hat's what we've allowed to happen," Merrill said. "How have we allowed it to happen? There are no more good TV shows on like 'Gunsmoke,' 'Bonanza,' 'The Virginian,' 'Andy Griffith,' 'I Love Lucy.' We don't have those shows anymore."

And:

"We're too interested in homosexual activities. We're too interested in seeing how this family's finding a way to mess on this family or to see how people are trying to date on TV, or having wife-swapping on TV."

He was V. SERIOUS ABOUT THIS. We thought it was funny at the time partially because dude was born in 1963 and was a little baby or not even born when some of those "good shows" were on. We also thought it was funny that he seemed to be under the impression that TV had just been all gay ass-ramming ever since.

And also "wife-swapping."

Anyway, that was the election year that gave us Alabama Democratic Senator Doug Jones, at least for a nice short while.

But as for John Merrill, WHERE IS HE NOW?


Well, spoiler alert. He's just pre-emptively pulled out of this year's Alabama Senate primary, because of how he recently wife-swapped with somebody who isn't his wife, UH OH.

[Cesaire] McPherson provided Al.com with a recording of an October 2020 conversation between her and Merrill, who is a Republican. In the 17-minute recording, Merrill and McPherson discuss various sexual acts they performed during dozens of romantic encounters that McPherson says took place between November 2017 and November 2020. During the conversation, Merrill seems to try to end his relationship with McPherson, who was reluctant to break off the affair. He told her they had met for the last time and that he was seeking help from the Lord to stay away from her.

After being played a portion of the recording Wednesday, Merrill, who is married with two children, told AL.com "there's no excuse" for his extramarital relationship.

Wow! Guess he didn't watch enough "Gunsmoke" that year. Musta ended up so bored he had to go fuck people who weren't his wife!

Merrill also appeared in the pages of Wonkette in 2016 when he literally said with his mouth that he was against automatic voter registration because it would cheapen the work of civil rights heroes like Dr. King and Rosa Parks and John Lewis, who apparently in his mind weren't actually fighting for everyone's right to vote, only people who had the get-up-and-go to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and go register to vote. No really.

These people fought — some of them were beaten, some of them were killed -- because of their desire to ensure that everybody that wanted to had the right to register to vote and participate in the process. I'm not going to cheapen the work that they did. I'm not going to embarrass them by allowing somebody that's too sorry to get up off of their rear end to go register to vote … because they think they deserve the right because they've turned 18.

He seems nice.

The end.

[AL.com]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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