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First of all, you know Wonkette believes women. This is not an article about that. Secondly, we know lots of Republican men are gross (and other men too!) and that Florida Man is a particularly terrible example of the species, so we would not be knocked over with a feather to learn that Joshua Cooper, a well-paid GOP consultant from Florida and a close pal of GOP Batboy Governor Rick Scott, did in fact commit this crime against a mannequin:


OF COURSE HE DID THAT CRIME, right? It is Florida Man! He did Ice Penis to a helpless mannequin! See for yourself:

Well, that does look like he is doing Ice Penis, but maybe not. Let's review the evidence:

"It is not at all what it looks like," says Cooper, who spends his spare time as a semiprofessional barbecue chef and insists he was simply throwing away a large slab of ice while cooking in a Memphis competition. Someone took a snapshot at exactly the wrong moment and posted the photo online, Cooper says, making an accidental sexual tableau with the female mannequin.

Pfffffft, "barbecue" and "Memphis," how are those things related to this? OK, actually, they are related. Cooper was clearly at the Memphis In May World Championship Barbecue Cooking Contest, the biggest pork BBQ competition in the world and also the world's largest private party. Yr Wonkette takes a week off work for it every single year. Look, here are a couple pictures:

It is vast and it goes on for days. And each one of those tents is a private BBQ team and you can't get in unless you Know People. That's what we meant when we said "world's largest private party."

Let's go back to Cooper's lame sexcuses for why he did not do Ice Penis:

"That was a photo one of my barbecue teammates took," Cooper tells New Times. "That was our ice luge. It melted, so I was picking it up and throwing it over the fence there. But from the angle he took the picture from, my teammates thought it looked funny and posted it online."

OK, so we are inclined to believe this version of events. As a cook in the pit, Cooper was likely not running around doing Ice Penis to everything he saw. He was very busy making BBQ, and he would have had to be in the zone doing that since his team, The Swinos, were festival winners among LITERALLY ONE MILLION TEAMS that come from all around the world to compete:

As they say in the competitive BBQ cooking world, "You're not going to win first prize if you're too busy doing Ice Penis to cook your meat." So when Josh Cooper left the pit with his melting ice luge to hurl it over the fence (from the picture, we can tell he's at the front of his tent), one of his teammates took a picture. And we are quite sure his teammates are grown-ass men who saw that picture and immediately became 12-year-old boys about it.

The Miami New Times notes that the team slogan for The Swinos is "Getting it moist, and keeping it there." We understand why, to the uninitiated, this naughty slogan might seem to be compelling evidence that this chap Josh Cooper is indeed an Ice Penis Doer. Thing is, half the team names are stupid and sophomoric sex puns about BBQ. Just looking at the list of last year's winners, we see "Pork Me Baby," "Dirk Piggler's Porkographic BBQ," and "Too Sauced To Pork." (Pretty sure we've gotten drunk in that last team's tent.) If yr Wonkette and our friends ever get our shit together and start our own team, the name is already picked out, and we can assure you it is feminist and hilarious and gross.

More excuses from Cooper, about why he did not do Ice Penis:

He says he has three daughters and a young son and clarifies that he does not hump mannequins. [...]

Asked whether he's the sort of person who might joke around with an ice penis in his spare time, he says in a hushed voice: "No, I was just picking up a piece of ice."

WHOA, WHY THE HUSHED VOICE, ALLEGED ICE PENIS-ER? Where we come from, you shout from the top of your lungs that you did not do Ice Penis!

So what do you think, readers? Did Florida GOP Man Josh Cooper do Ice Penis? It's possible! But having spent countless hours of our life at BBQ Fest, our Wonkette ruling is that it's probably just a stupid candid picture that Cooper's dumb friends thought was funny.

Don't say we are never fair to Republicans here at Wonkette.

Of course, if more pictures of Josh Cooper doing ice penis to mannequins surface, that will suggest a pattern, and we will obviously reconsider our position.

This has been a blog post about Ice Penis.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[Miami New Times]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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