Which Losers Should Pay For This Bailout?

Congressional Democrats will save the economy this Friday by letting Henry Paulson, the new president, do whatever he wants about anything, policy-wise. Mostly thiswill involve giving a trillion dollars to his friends on Wall Street in exchange for some junk mortgages which Paulson will re-sell, to no one, because they're junk mortgages. On the bright side, the dollar will plummet under the weight of all this new debt, meaning inflation will soar, meaning one trillion dollars will be the new 27 cents. Cheap! So who should pay for this, the worst proposal of the Bush Administration since the Iraq war? Let's see if we can tabulate a trillion dollars worth of sucky people's money to take for the big Money Bonfire of 2008.

  • Seize all assets of racist voters. Anyone who declares that he or she will not vote for a president strictly on the basis of high melanin levels, well, that's a fair opinion. Then again, they don't deserve to have money or oxygen. This would encompass -- very generously -- about 20% of the American population, or 60 million people (racist babies included). Take all of their shit and sell it to Warren Buffett for above-market prices. Warren Buffett will then have new playthings such as dildos and tractors. $10 billion.
  • Sell the racist voters to China. The Chinese could use 60 million new people, for fucking purposes -- Chinese people love nothing more than a monolithic lard mass of Type-2 Diabetes doing reverse-cowgirl, and they'd only want more of these mouth breathers for their children. Finally, America has something to export forever -- and they produce themselves! $980 billion.
  • Impeach the current President of the United States for his consistently poor stewardship of the United States. Make him suck Saudi cock for as long as it takes him to earn $10 billion. Give him $6,000 from this sum and tell him to pack his bags, because he's a-goin' to the Gobi Desert, alone! (Laura can go live with Babs and Poppy at Kennefuckport until they all die, in the Flood.) As soon as George Bush is dropped off in the desert, take the $6,000 back, because did he think they'd fly him all the way to the Gobi Desert and not ask for gas money? And there's your trillion.

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